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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. Iâ₠™m so glad we moved here. I love the snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea Iâ₠™ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry; weâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says weâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll have so much snow by the end of winter that Iâ₠™ll never want to see snow again. I donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t think thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s possible. Bob is such a nice man. Iâ₠™m glad heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8â₠ last night. The temperature dropped to -20°. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but Iâ₠™ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t huff and puff so much.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifeâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thatâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s silly. We arenâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t in Alaska, after all.
December 16:Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think, was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shouldÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve bought a wood stove, but wonââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t admit it to her. God I hate it when sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s right. I canââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t believe Iâ₠™m freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricityââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s back on, but had another 14â₠¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re too busy playing hockey. I think theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s**t fell today, and itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s so cold it probably wonââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p**s. By the time I got undressed, ****ed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s too busy. I think the a*****e is lying.
December 23: Only 2â₠ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she... nuts??? Why didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s damn well lying.
December 24: 6â₠ÂÂÂ. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, Iâ₠™ll drag him through the snow by his b***s. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Iâ₠™ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplough.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. S**t I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s an idiot. If I have to watch †œItÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€Š¾Ã‚¢s a Wonderful Lifeââ‚ ¬Ã‚ one more time, Iâ₠™m going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. Sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -50° and the pipes froze,
December 28: Warmed up to above -30°. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. Thatâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that b*****d think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplough driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9â₠ predicted.
December 31: Set fire to whatâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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