[Alan E]

Good story.........

I was up to my usual DIY tricks at the weekend , and pulled off a mighty
blunder even for my standards !


We're going on holiday next weekend ( driving to Scarborough) so I thought
I'd give the car a jolly good servicing a week in advance so that we'd have
a week of system test before going live !





Anyway, after the plugs /air filter and oil filter I started on the fuel
filter, which is right underneath the car near the petrol tank. I knew that
without the fuel pump running the only petrol that could leak out would be
whatever was in the filter, and whatever was in the fuel line up to the
injection manifold. The filter itself is probably the biggest I've seen on
any car, about the size of a 1L bottle of pop.





Can you see where this story is heading ?


I BET you're wrong !





So , the fuel pump and the filter were mounted in this cage affair with
several bolts holding it on, so I undid everything and after about 5
minutes managed to get access to the banjo bolts attaching the fuel line to
either end of the filter. I carefully put my fag out , then undid the
nearest bolt and WHOOSH , petrol sprayed out with a mighty force, straight
into my face and eyes. The burning sensation was instant, and in my haste
to get away from the pain I tried to sit up......forgetting I was lying
down under a large and very solid car........and promptly made a large dent
in the petrol tank......and a matching lump on my forehead.





After a couple of minutes my vision returned and I could see that the
pressure in the fuel line had subsided, as it was just dripping now, so I
got under the car and removed both bolts and whipped the old one off. I
then set about hooking up the new one, fitting it in it's cage, and
re-bolting the cage to the chassis.....a process that must've taken 10
minutes tops.





I bet you didn't know that 10 minutes is just about the right amount of
time required for petrol to dissolve bitumen to a thick liquid, then
evaporate away making the bitumen solidify again ??? neither did I ,
until I tried to get out from under the car and discovered the back of my
head was welded solid to the road ! It sounds funny now, but at the time I
got into quite a panic...... I tried rolling my head, but it was too
painful and I could hear the hair tearing.... In the end I just had to try
and lift my head straight off the ground, as it was least painful method,
and suddenly ...........DING ...... another big dent in the petrol tank,
and a large chunk of road stuck to the back of my head.





By now I was looking like the elephant man, and was in a rather bad mood,
so imagine my despair when I turned the ignition on activating the fuel
pump, and looked under the car to see gallons of petrol spraying out from
both ends of the newly fitted filter. The banjo bolts had copper washers
either side, and the new filter did not come with any, so I just stuck the
old ones on, which was obviously a bad idea.





Anyway five garages later I managed to get the right size copper washers
and completed the task in a new record time of 4 hours 50 minutes !





So......to sum up.......if you ever find yourself with a large area of road
stuck to your head, don't do as I did , and try pouring petrol on your head
to dissolve it, as although the magic elves were very entertaining for a
while, the resulting headache , and burning eyes were not.


After watching me dancing around the street pouring petrol on my head for
about 10 minutes, my wise old neighbour Dave decided enough was enough ,
and suggested I try some vasoline instead. After a quick vote amongst the
elves it was agreed.... So I proceeded to slap an entire tub of vasoline
all over the back of my head.





It was about this time that my parents in law walked in, to see me slouched
in the chair, glowing bloodshot eyes, two enormous eggs on my head,
accompanied by a large chunk of tarmac , and topped off with a kingsize
dollop of vasoline.





It was a very amusing moment.