Quote:
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Originally Posted by heyyo
My poem it's called "Water"
Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein.
Expansion deluges in vein
Innovation barrages our loin
Senses mingle with the wind
Tongues entangle the message
Water strangles the passage
Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein
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Given that the subject of the poem is "Water", a fluid and constantly moving element, I think that the flow of your work is good.
I like the lack of punctuation, it serves to remind the reader that this is one continual passage - where the normal rules of constraint don't apply, in the way that water can only be stopped by powerful interventions.
If I'm being picky.....
The last verse should (if thus was your intention) perfectly mirror the first - you need to include a full stop after "therein" or remove it from the first verse. Personally I would include one there.
I would also either; remove the third line of the second verse, or split it into two verses and add another line. The balance of the piece seems to be slightly out - if you really want to leave that line in I would consider removing all of the spacings between the lines so that the whole piece is one long verse.
The thing to remember with poetry, of any sort, is that it is a personal expression. Often people attempt to make it "perfect", it should never be thought of that way.
Your poetry comes from within you and reflects your heart and mind, even reflections on the stillest body of water have ripples.