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Old 17-10-2024, 08:57   #87
peanut
NUTS !!
 
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Re: Disability vouchers instead of cash

I feel a little compelled to expand on my post above due to the nature of the post itself. A couple of sentences doesn’t quite say much or give any kind of explanation.

As I said, I agree with Taf, but agreeing doesn’t mean I just agree, there is no one size fits all. I fully understand his point, it doesn’t mean it is right or wrong. What is right or wrong? Who decides?

Firstly if anyone is struggling is to get help by whatever means possible. I am only speaking on my own behalf here and maybe give an insight to how or why suicide is an option. But coming from someone who lives a life who prides themselves with logic and common sense I have to say when it comes to suicide there is no logic, nor common sense as it doesn’t apply. With mental health / health issues contradiction seems to be a huge part where all logic etc goes out of the window.

I feel like I live a double life. On one hand I can be happy, even though I don't experience pleasure. I can laugh at jokes, and I can say without doubt I’m a glass half full type of person. I am a total optimist and try to see the best in everything. Yet on the other hand I wake up every day knowing that I don’t want to live, and I go to bed thinking the same. To the point I do actually ‘crave’ ending my life. Anyone would say that’s extreme and I don’t expect anyone to understand it either. It is something I will have to live with and will not go away.

I said I will not be a burden to my wife. I know I already am to quite an extent. Maybe I should have expanded to say financially, but even then that’s not 100% the true either. It’s more about feeling of being more of a burden than I already am and to a point where I decide enough is enough. But again that’s not the whole reason either.

To live with suicidal ideation is also a coping mechanism. It gives control over something that is or can be too hard to understand, live with or comprehend. It also gives me choice. Therefore it can allow me to choose and push onwards knowing I do have that choice. It helps.

I does rile me when people say suicide is a selfish act. It can be, I’m not questioning everyone or their own reasons again if you feel this way seek help where you can. Why can’t it also seen as the most selfless act someone can do? Could it be selfish of those that don’t understand? Those left behind do have to pick up to pieces so to speak, and some do have to live with no understanding to why. I do feel it is a sad part of it and one that is cruel and hard for those left behind to live with. I would not wish this on anyone. I’ve chosen to speak up about it and be honest in the way I feel so there are no doubts or stones unturned even though it is hard and unpleasant in so many ways.

Sometimes you hear why didn’t so and so speak up or talk to me… If only that’s true but it isn’t. The hardest thing to do is to talk to someone. If you can then great, it can help, but to most it wouldn’t matter anyway. But more often the case is who will actually listen. Who asks how I am, who cares? It’s not like it matters anyway. If you ask and I say I’m fine when you know I’m not that tends to be acceptable and I agree it’s not easy or right but just the way things are. There are so many different factors. The fear of not being understood, or just the fear of a person to just say yeah I know what it’s like I feel like that sometimes is so way off the mark, you already know the person just can’t comprehend or help. So you end up with the fear of any answers so you will avoid going there. Or to cause upset, one way or another. Again, not that talking will change anything anyway to some. Again it's just not that straight forward.

For the benefit of doubt. I’ve had plenty of therapy and counseling. To the point where I’ve been told I do not have a mental health issue, because of everything I’ve been through, going through and will go through so what I’m ‘feeling’ is ‘normal’ and if I didn’t feel the way I do then I would have a mental health issue. = Crazy but that’s how it is. In the end I did manage to get a diagnosis but it was a hard fought battle. To the extent to how and what I feel is 'acceptable'.

I don’t expect anyone to understand fully. I just wanted to expand the subject in a way that I hope it helps a little maybe.

Blimey, we'll that's my longest post, lol. And sorry if I ranted on a bit too.
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