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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Not sure if this one has been posted or not
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there
is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into regular workout routine.
Dear Diary . .
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife
(the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football
team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress . .
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to
find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today.
Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was
around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air --
then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and
enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine
--which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or
anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a vasectomy
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