A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!'”
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A man was being examined by his doctor when the doctor stopped, stared the man in the eyes and very seriously intoned, "You are going to have to quit masturbating!"
The man looked back at the doctor and said, "Why, will I grow hair on my palms?"
The doctor replied, "No... that's just a myth, but it IS interfering with the examination, so please stop!"
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A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One day, she was talking to her preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.
The females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!