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Originally Posted by keep it simple
...or is it something to do with the difference between the raw incoming signal and the decoded signal which i guess comes out of the stb?
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Yes that is exactly what the problem is!
The signal that you STB decodes is digital. None of your TVs will understand this signal but, fortunately, the STB will convert it to one that they can - this is what comes out of the RF-output.
There is no need to worry about the gender of an RF connector - they both do the same function - you just need to ensure that it mates correctly!
Here is a picture of the back of my STB with the connectors labelled.
MGP's suggestion will allow you to watch the STB upstairs but you will no longer be able to watch the terrestrial channels or the video upstairs and you will not be able to watch terrestrial downstairs while recording some other cable channel.