[Ramrod]

On a lighter note:

New Rail Safety Fears


There are new fears over the safety of our railways tonight following the publication of a new report. The report, which is the latest in a long line of such works, is likely to have as little effect as the last one. The authors, however, are still quite excited.

"For years we have been having trouble with damaged or missing railway sleepers," said Dr Douglas Ramsbottom. "At last we have found an explanation: Alan Titchmarsh."

According to Dr Ramsbottom and his team of half-eaten Rich Tea biscuits, "It was alright when Titchmarsh and his cronies used old railway sleepers to make their flowerbeds. But now they've run out they've been taking them off railway lines that are still in use!"

The government has responded to the report with caution, because none of the people writing it are members of the Labour party. A spokesman for the Transport Department said, "Our railways have always had an excellent safety record and accidents are extremely rare. The pillaging of railway sleepers for use in second-rate garden makeover shows has got to stop!"