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-   -   Jokes Thread (https://www.cableforum.uk/board/showthread.php?t=45873)

punky 11-03-2005 13:29

Jokes Thread
 
:)

Remember that study a while back where they found that how a woman desires a man is based on her stage of the menstral cycle? Well the doctors found something else:

They found that when a woman is ovulating, she likes a man with rugged facial features. When the woman is menstruating, she prefers the man to be doused in petrol, on fire, and with a pair of scissors sticking out of his temple.

(shameless ripped from Nuts this week :))

Hom3r 11-03-2005 13:33

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
oldie alert


Whats the hottest part of the Sun??






PAGE 3

Hom3r 11-03-2005 23:11

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
4 Attachment(s)
see attached

Earl of Bronze 12-03-2005 01:04

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
And another funny email....... :D


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Hom3r 12-03-2005 21:50

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
http://www.darwinawards.com/

enuff said

Halcyon 13-03-2005 17:32

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society

MetaWraith 13-03-2005 23:49

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a new generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, and of course ibepokin.

Nikko 13-03-2005 23:56

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by MetaWraith
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a new generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, and of course ibepokin.

It must have been a hard decision

Orior 17-03-2005 19:25

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
An American arrives in Heathrow airport, picks up his suitcase and then asks a local gent "Where are the taxis at?"

The snobbish english gent advises "You should not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Okay" replies the Yank "Where are the taxis at, asshole?"

iadom 17-03-2005 19:34

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikko
It must have been a hard decision

Trust you to rise to that one.;)

goldoni 17-03-2005 21:03

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on...." :disturbd:

Florence 17-03-2005 21:36

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and
his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you
get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what
a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I
don't know her name-they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child abuser.

Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up
there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
where the lady lived and found her out in the! yard
calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come
back.

He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?) YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! THEY ARE.


"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt!"

WOMEN ARE GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

MadGamer 17-03-2005 22:43

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
What team does Michael Jackson Support?

Kiddaminster :D :rofl:

pooroldjoe 19-03-2005 19:21

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Married 40 years, they decided to take separate holidays.
He goes to California, She goes to Miami.
After the first week they phone.
She †œHow you doing?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â
He †œGreat, I met a young starlet and she is taking me round Hollywood and showing me a really great time. How about you?â₠¬Ã‚
She †œWell I met a handsome young Lifeguard who is squiring me round town. I am having a really good timeâ₠¬Ã‚.
He †œWell I bet Iâ₠™m having a better time than you!â₠¬Ã‚
She † No, Iâ₠™m having a much better time than you, and I can prove it mathematically


- -- because 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20!ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚

iadom 21-03-2005 17:37

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,

he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need

water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a

tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that

hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later

the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said,

"I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that

hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without

a tie"
__________________
BRITIS HOSPITALITY

AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore

the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and

occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat

with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds

himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs,

no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.



He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds

a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings

and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.



As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who

says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really

HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."



"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back

"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has

ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,


and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the



cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.



As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really

decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"



"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."


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