Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Stolen from today's BBC Newsnight E-Mail:
Today's offering was sent by Newsnight viewer Nick Webb:

-------

A brand new store has just opened in London - and it sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:

"You may visit this store only once. There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you can't go back down except to leave the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good
looking.

"Great," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

"Fantastic" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

--------

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why do the police use a strainer?





It helps them catch the tea leafs.

(if you don't "get it", ask a cockney geezer)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:clap::clap::clap:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two ladies talking in Heaven...........

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.....:dozey:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

not really a joke - but not worth a thread on it's own

badly placed ads

http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

My uncle who lives in Canada sent me this:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two old men feel they are close to their last days and decide to have a final night on the town. After drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam looks at the old geezers and whispers to her manager; “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they're walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”

“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”

“She never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch, why the hell would you say that?” asks his friend.

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite... She broke wind and flew out of the window.” :erm:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Dont you just hate all those lesbian websites.....theres always one going down....

:rolleyes:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

On that theme -

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?

A computer that won't go down on you.........

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

And sticking with the current theme:)

Why do nuns walk in pairs???....
So that one nun can make sure that the other nun dont get none.

Two nuns sitting on a park bench when a streaker run past....
One nun had a stroke but the other nun could`nt reach.