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-   General Entertainment (https://www.cableforum.uk/board/forumdisplay.php?f=23)
-   -   Jokes Thread (https://www.cableforum.uk/board/showthread.php?t=45873)

Nikko 24-03-2005 02:07
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Mary had a little bike,
She rode it back to front.
And every time the wheels went round
a spoke went up....

anyway look at the time, night all.

Lew 24-03-2005 10:13
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Mary had a little lambâ₠¬Ã‚¦











†¦and she's now serving 5 years for bestiality.

Graham 24-03-2005 13:42
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to the shops.
It was run down by a lorry,
And now she's having chops!

Ramrod 26-03-2005 18:26
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:
* the Death Slide,
* the Wall of Fear,
* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well,Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
:D

Xaccers 26-03-2005 18:36
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Dr Bob has just finished having sex with a patient, and as they leave his concience pops up, a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

"don't worry about it" says the devil "the sex was great and well worth it"

The angel simply says "Dr Bob, you're a vet"

Techno 27-03-2005 20:10
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
A Blonde Policewoman pulls over a blonde car driver,
"Can I see your licience please ?" she asked.
"Licience?" asked the driver,
"Yes", said the policewoman, "thats the small credit-card shaped thing with your photo on it".
With this, the driver thinks for a few seconds, then reaching into her handback she produces a mirror.
"There you go" she says.
The blonde Policewoman looks in the mirror and eclaims "Oh, so your a Policewoman as well, off you go then".

Earl of Bronze 01-04-2005 17:50
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Joke from yet another email.

What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.


"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.


"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?


"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. " Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.


The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?


If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


Send this to all that will appreciate it!


They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!-

gary_580 04-04-2005 19:26
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
COUNCIL JOB

A guy goes to the local council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in then at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a council job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for
that"

Paul K 04-04-2005 20:21
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
From elsewhere ;)

Quote:
If Operating Systems were beer.
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Windows 98 Beer
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.

Windows 2000 Beer
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.

Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

Linux Beer
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.

AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Gareth 05-04-2005 17:11
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Indecent Exposure (blatantly copied from another forum)

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I've left my baby on the bus!"

banjo 05-04-2005 17:38
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Mary had a little lamb
it was always on the grass
and every where that Mary went
it's nose was up her ar5e

goldoni 06-04-2005 15:06
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

 In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebrate."

Earl of Bronze 13-04-2005 01:45
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
Yet another email.....

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.
(Read this to yourself aloud )


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!


If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.


And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.


When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?



Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives.

Hom3r 13-04-2005 20:59
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
1 Attachment(s)
Read this 12 Pager document

gary_580 13-04-2005 23:15
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 
How do you make a woman go blind?

Put a windscreen in front of her :Sprint:


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