Re: Jokes Thread
 

A lady passes away 3 years after her husband. After entering the pearly gates she see her husband and runs over to him with her arms wide open. He says "what do you want, the contract was to death"

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Seeing as it’s the "jokes" thread, your post fits right in…

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I bought some lamb, it said on the pack "reared in Wales"

I thought that is racial stereotyping.

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I was in the bank earlier when this little old lady approached me and asked me to help check her balance, so naturally I pushed her over

She didn't even thank me either

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[DELETED]

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Don't you just hate it when you forget the punchline :D

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Or lose the plot… ;)

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Larry goes out bear hunting one day.

He sees a brown bear and he shoots at it - Bang! It's dead.

Suddenly, there's a tap on his shoulder - he turns around, there's this big black bear standing there.

"That bear was my cousin. I'll give you a choice. I can kill you or I can sodomize you."

Larry thinks and thinks - finally, reluctantly, he decides he doesn't want to die; so, the black bear enthusiastically sodomizes him and then leaves.

A year later, when his wounds are healed, Larry goes back into the woods seeking revenge.

He tracks down the black bear, takes aim and shoots - Bang! It's dead.

Immediately, there's a tap on his shoulder, he turns around - there's this big grizzly bear standing there.

"That bear was my cousin. I'll give you a choice. I can kill you or I can sodomize you."

Larry thinks and thinks - reluctantly, he decides he doesn't want to die. So the grizzly bear enthusiastically sodomizes him and then leaves.

A year later, when his wounds are healed, the man goes back into the woods seeking revenge.

He tracks down the grizzly bear, takes aim and shoots - Bang! It's dead.

Immediately, there's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there's a humongus polar bear standing there.

"Let's face it, Larry. You're not here for the hunting, are you?"

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Be extra careful driving on the roads with Christmas round the corner a lot of men will be out drinking and getting their wives to drive

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2 flies on a blokes ass, which ones into drugs.....

The one on the crack!!

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I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered "They're right behind you"

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On that note…

3 conspiracy theorists walk into a pub

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

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And now the weather:

It'll be hailing in Hayling, soaking in Woking and in Lissing Down, take an umbrella.

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That sounds like "The Two Ronnies", citations are good.