Jokes Thread
 

:)

Remember that study a while back where they found that how a woman desires a man is based on her stage of the menstral cycle? Well the doctors found something else:

They found that when a woman is ovulating, she likes a man with rugged facial features. When the woman is menstruating, she prefers the man to be doused in petrol, on fire, and with a pair of scissors sticking out of his temple.

(shameless ripped from Nuts this week :))

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

oldie alert


Whats the hottest part of the Sun??






PAGE 3

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

see attached

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

And another funny email....... :D


The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

http://www.darwinawards.com/

enuff said

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.
19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a new generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, and of course ibepokin.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

It must have been a hard decision

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

An American arrives in Heathrow airport, picks up his suitcase and then asks a local gent "Where are the taxis at?"

The snobbish english gent advises "You should not end a sentence with a preposition".

"Okay" replies the Yank "Where are the taxis at, asshole?"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Trust you to rise to that one.;)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on...." :disturbd:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and
his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you
get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what
a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I
don't know her name-they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child abuser.

Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up
there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
where the lady lived and found her out in the! yard
calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come
back.

He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?) YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!! THEY ARE.


"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt!"

WOMEN ARE GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

What team does Michael Jackson Support?

Kiddaminster :D :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Married 40 years, they decided to take separate holidays.
He goes to California, She goes to Miami.
After the first week they phone.
She †œHow you doing?ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
He †œGreat, I met a young starlet and she is taking me round Hollywood and showing me a really great time. How about you?â₠¬Ã‚Â�
She †œWell I met a handsome young Lifeguard who is squiring me round town. I am having a really good timeâ₠¬Ã‚Â�.
He †œWell I bet Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m having a better time than you!ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�
She †ÂÂÂÂ� No, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m having a much better time than you, and I can prove it mathematically


- -- because 20 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 20!ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,

he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need

water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a

tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that

hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later

the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said,

"I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that

hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without

a tie"
__________________
BRITIS HOSPITALITY

AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore

the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and

occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat

with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds

himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs,

no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.



He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds

a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings

and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.



As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who

says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really

HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."



"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back

"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has

ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,


and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the



cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.



As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really

decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"



"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

sent to me today had to laugh but apologise to all Americans.

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke!


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave c ars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psyc hic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Short story



A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The short story had to contain the following three things:



(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery.



There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is the A+ short story:



Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.



Well I thought it was funny, ok I'll get me coat. :(

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread
:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
It followed her to the shops
and gamboled in the road one day,
it ended up as chops.
__________________

Mary had a little lamb.....












The midwife fainted!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little bear,
And it ws very kind,
And everywhere that Mary went,
You could see here bear behind.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

2 Nuns were sitting on park bench when a streaker ran past;
one of them had a stroke, the other wasn't quite quick enough :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
The midwife's eyes were wide,
But when MacDonald had a farm
The midwife nearly died!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
But she really wanted a horse,
She got Anthony Worrell-Thompson in
And had it with some mint sauce.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,

she put it in a bucket,

and every time the lamb got out,

the bulldog tried to.......................put it bacK again. :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
And it was full of frolics
Until one day it jumped the fence,
And knocked off half its......................tail ;)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Two nuns, Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical, went out of their convent for a nice long walk. It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.

Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to attack us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only thing to do is run faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the other way. He can't follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried what had happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrived.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: [/i]Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down ... (And you thought it would be dirty! Shame on you! Say two "Hail Marys"...)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece
To see if they'd...








... Fall off!

:angel: :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb
It was forever grunting
She tied it to five bar gate
And kicked its little crutch in (polite version)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was pink as pink
It got up on the draining board
And piddled in the sink

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon,
10,000 volts went up its a*se
and turned its wool to nylon

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little bike,
She rode it back to front.
And every time the wheels went round
a spoke went up....

anyway look at the time, night all.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lambâ₠¬Ã‚¦











†¦and she's now serving 5 years for bestiality.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to the shops.
It was run down by a lorry,
And now she's having chops!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:
* the Death Slide,
* the Wall of Fear,
* the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
* every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well,Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Dr Bob has just finished having sex with a patient, and as they leave his concience pops up, a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.

"don't worry about it" says the devil "the sex was great and well worth it"

The angel simply says "Dr Bob, you're a vet"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A Blonde Policewoman pulls over a blonde car driver,
"Can I see your licience please ?" she asked.
"Licience?" asked the driver,
"Yes", said the policewoman, "thats the small credit-card shaped thing with your photo on it".
With this, the driver thinks for a few seconds, then reaching into her handback she produces a mirror.
"There you go" she says.
The blonde Policewoman looks in the mirror and eclaims "Oh, so your a Policewoman as well, off you go then".

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Joke from yet another email.

What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.


"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.


"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?


"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. " Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.


The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?


If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


Send this to all that will appreciate it!


They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!-

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

COUNCIL JOB

A guy goes to the local council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in then at 10:00 A.M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a council job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for
that"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

From elsewhere ;)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Indecent Exposure (blatantly copied from another forum)

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I've left my baby on the bus!"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Mary had a little lamb
it was always on the grass
and every where that Mary went
it's nose was up her ar5e

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A new young monk arrives at the monastery and as with all new monks he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebrate."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Yet another email.....

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.
(Read this to yourself aloud )


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!


If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.


And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.


When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?



Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Read this 12 Pager document

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

How do you make a woman go blind?

Put a windscreen in front of her :Sprint:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000. 00 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A guy goes for a wee in the gents and is standing next to a bloke who may or may not be called Mbegane Ndulu.
Having a look round as you do at these times, he notices the size of the other guys equipment and asks how it got to be so big.
Mbegane says that when he was a kid, his mum tied a rock to it using a bit of string and the weight made it grow bigger.
After a bit of thought, the first guy reckons it's worth a try.
3 weeks go by and as they do in jokes like this, the 2 men happened to meet in the same bog.....
Mbegane asks how it's going and the other guy says...
Well, it's halfway working.
It's gone black.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Hot off the press. Its been reported what the Queen gave Camilla for her wedding present.

A Mercedes and a weekend holiday in Paris.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

My mate got a new car radio yesterday, it's voice activated. You just shout out what you want to hear and it plays it.

I borrowed his car to try it out. I shouted 'rock' and it played Bon Jovi, I shouted 'Reggae' and it played Bob Marley, then I shouted 'easy listening' and it played Tony Christie.

I was then driving along when some children run out in front of the car, I shouted 'f**king kids' and it played Michael Jackson :eek:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A bloke walked into the local newspaper office looking a bit sad.

"My wife has just died and I wanted to put an announcement in the paper,

how much does it cost ?"

"It`s a pound a word" replied the girl behind the desk.

The old boy fumbled in his pocket and pulled out six quid, "it`s all I`ve
got, can I borrow your pen please ?"

He walked away to a counter and came back with his £6 and a scribbled note.

Wife died Wednesday night in sleep.

Feeling sorry for him the girl went away to ask her manager if she could
allow him 5 words for a pound. Feeling compassionate the manager agreed.



All of a sudden the old chap seemed to perk up a bit and went away to
scribble again returning a few minutes later with a new note :



Wait for it ....






Hankies at the ready....





Wife died Wednesday night in sleep. Metro 1.3L hatchback for sale, full
service history, lovely paintwork, alloy wheels, stereo, over-mats, seat
covers, electric front windows and recent oil change. £1,250 ono !

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

What is Oval in shape, brown and half eaten???









The pope's easter egg..

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo sh*t. Someone has stolen tent."
__________________

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

My concience tells me that I'm going to have to stop shagg*ng dwarves with learning difficulties................


























...............................it's not big and it's not clever! :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Good one!

England are planning to send a manned spacecraft to the Sun. When reporters suggested that the craft would burn up in the heat of the sun, the chief scientist replied that they were going to send the spacecraft at night.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "is my time up?"

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair colour.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

SCROLL DOWN....




































God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
__________________

knock! knock!
who's there?
michael jackson!
michael jackson who?
you're on the jury!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

'Live-blogging' a first (and definitely last) date.
This past weekend I somehow scored a date with this chick who is WAY out of my league, so I thought I would document it by †œlive bloggingââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� the entire thing. The plan is to bring my laptop along, and give you (and her) the juice as it happens. I know what youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re thinking: †œWhy didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t I think of that?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� or more likely: †œYou are a retard.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� Well, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m doing it anyway.
Just for the record before I start, nothing about this seems like a bad idea at all and Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m 100% sure it wonââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t backfire in any way. Letââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s do it.

7:30 p.m. - I thought I told her Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d pick her up at 7:00, but I decide to be †œfashionably late.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� What I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realize was that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d taken †œfashionably lateââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� to a new level, as I was supposed to pick her up at 6:00. LAST Friday.

7:37 p.m. - She says sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s in the middle of doing †œpilates,ÃÂà ‚¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ƚÂÂ� but I donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t see any airplanes anywhere. She is a liar. After a few minutes of persuasion, I finally convince her to bury the hatchet and come out even though sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s still a little ****ed. (Hopefully at the end of the night Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ll get to †œbury the hatchetââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� too.)

7:45 p.m. - Alright weââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re in the car on the way to the restaurant. I put in Meatloafââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s Bat out of Hell. This is my dating litmus test. If a chick doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t appreciate rock perfection, she doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t deserve to appreciate my superior wang. Unless sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s at least a D-cup or really, really smoking hot. Actually, the only criteria I have is that sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s female, and Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m even a little lenient on that.

7:57 p.m. - We just got to the restaurant, a nice little Italian place a friend told me about called Olive Garden. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s supposed to be pretty good. They gave me one of those little light-up buzzers and then I sat down three feet from them. I guess in case I decide to do a couple of warm-up laps around the parking lot, theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ll know where to find me.

8:04 p.m. - She just now asked me why I brought my computer along. As if it wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t odd enough that earlier I was typing and driving at the same time. I told her that I had $1000 on the Clippers and I needed to see how they were doing. †œYouâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€à …¾Ã‚¢re funny,ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� she said.

8:33 p.m. - Got our table. I usually like to flirt with the waitresses a little to keep my dates on their toes, but tonight a tubby guy named Tony will be taking care of us. I tell him he has pretty eyes anyway.

8:40 p.m. †“ I try to make conversation, but having any intelligent interaction with this girl is like playing †œFind the Talentââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� with Ashlee Simpson and Carrot Top. (Sheââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s dumb.)

9:05 p.m. †“ Our food just arrived. She ordered some kind of salad. I donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t know if youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ve been to Olive Garden before, but ordering a salad there is like a skinny guy with long hair asking for anal penetration in jail. Itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s GOING to happen regardless, except in jail Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m pretty sure †œsalad⠀ Â� has an entirely different meaning.

9:43 p.m. - Dinnerââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s over. She just excused herself to †œgo throw up.ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� Now Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m not usually a big pro-bulimia guy, but at least sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s honest about it I guess. Waitââ‚ ¬Ã‚¦ I just paid for her meal and sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s just going to puke it up? How disrespectful is that? Should I make her pay for it? Thereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s no way Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m flushing my momââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s hard-earned money down the toilet like that. Literally.

9:50 p.m. - We just left the restaurant. I couldnââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t bring myself to make her pay for her meal. Not to worry, I have a plan to make this little overly-self-conscious regurgitation engineer get her †œjust desserts.ââ‚ ¬ÂÂÂÂ�

9:53 p.m. - For some reason I tell her she can pick the movie. My suggestion: anything but Fever Pitch. Her choice: Fever Pitch. She says: †œJimmy Fallon is funny. And cute.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� I say: †œAnd dealing with a couple extra chromosomes.âââ€à …¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� She doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t get it.

10:10 p.m. †“ Arrived at the movie theater, only for me to realize that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d †œaccidentally left my wallet at the restaurant.âââ€Å ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� She says sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll take care of it. After tickets, popcorn, a couple of drinks and my mandatory Sour Patch Kids, her grand total came to just over $40 (which is $10 more than I paid for our meals if youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re scoring at home, or even if youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re alone). I rule.

11:45 p.m. - The movie is over, THANK GOD. She says: †œDid you LOVE it?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� I say: †œI can think of a few things I would have rather done with my time.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� Like unscrewing a couple burnt-out light bulbs and smashing them into my eye sockets.

(In hindsight, I guess you could get the same effect with normal light bulbs, not just burnt-out ones. Whatever.)

11:57 p.m. - On the way home from the movie, in a last ditch effort to cop a cheap feel, I try Frank Costanzaââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s †œstop shortââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� move, but it goes horribly wrong when I miscalculate the arm angle and she catches the business end of my elbow with her nose. Weââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re on the way to the hospital now. She isnââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t happy. Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m trying to figure out how to get blood out of my new shirt.

12:11 a.m. - I tend to get a little squeamish when dealing with the sick and injured, so I dropped her off at the emergency room. Also, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m pretty sure at this point in the evening my odds of getting any action are about as good as Michael Jackson ever fathering a human child.

(I think that was the first joke ever that included Michael Jackson and a child in which Michael Jackson did not have sex with said child. MJ likes little boys. There.)

12:28 a.m. - I am now sitting in the hospital parking lot stealing their wireless internet to look at porn. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s amazing what theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re doing with science these days.

2:01 a.m. - I wake up from a deep sleep to her knocking on the window wearing one of those plastic facemasks that basketball players wear when they break their nose. I donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t know if I should be more embarrassed about the fact that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m on a date with Bill Laimbeer or that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d fallen asleep mid-pump, with my pants around my ankles and my penis in my hand.

2:11 a.m. †“ This has got to be the most awkward car ride of my entire life. Except maybe the time my mom had to come pick me up at school because Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d fallen asleep in the reading loft mid-pump, with my pants around my ankles and my penis in my hand.

2:20 a.m. - I drop her off at her house. She says: †œThanks for like the worst date Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ve ever had, jackass. Donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t call me, EVER.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� I say: †œYouâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€à …¾Ã‚¢re fat.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:tu: Made me chuckle :)

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun answered, "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter then asked the second nun, "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?" 2nd nun answered, "An apple." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter asked her, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why I Fired My Secretary
Author: Digital Dave
Date: 26-Apr-2005
Modifed: 26-Apr-2005

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Well, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's stop by my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the
deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:LOL:

Nice one.....
__________________

In fact, I could use that at work (with a little tweaking of course ;) )..

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy!"


Doc - "What?"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."


Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man - "Not really"


Doc - "What about stress at work?"


Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."


Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salaryand I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"


Man - "Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got."

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."


Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."


Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"


Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

On his way home from work a bloke comes to a halt in traffic and thinks to himself, 'wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing's moving'.
He notices a policeman walking back and forth between the lines of cars, and so he winds down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Man Utd fan. He's really depressed about losing the Premiership to ****nal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning f**k all after gobbing-off all season, and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.
He says his family hate him, his mates are all laughing at him and he's never had a job, so I'm walking around taking a collection." "Oh really?" says the bloke. "How much have you collected so far?"
"Only about half a litre," replies the copper, "but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Fantastic!!

:LOL:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
free puppies...part german shepherd part stupid dog
German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
Free. found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... Been out awhile.. Better be reward.
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
83 toyota hunchback -- $2000
soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents
full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
for sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby
bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
harrisburg postal employees gun club
georgia peaches california grown 89 cents lb.
nice parachute: never opened - used once slightly stained
free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
american flag 60 stars - pole included $100
tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs $175.
our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% italian leather.
joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember
gas cloud clears out taco bell.
open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A couple from essex decided to go to Torremolinos to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Luton and flew
to Alicante on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Manchester, a widow had just returned Home
from her husband's funeral. He was a vicar of many years who
was called to his maker following a sudden heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Chinese Detective
 

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man hired a chinese detective
a few days later he received this report

Most honorable sir
you leave the house
he come to house
i watch
he and she leave the house
i follow
he and she get on train
i follow
he and she go in hotel
i climb tree
look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip she
she strip he
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out of tree
no see
no fee
__________________

Re: Chinese Detective
 

:LOL:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Not my joke honest!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls$$t and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular click for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response .....

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

good one, but afraid that's already been posted here
http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...&postcount=170

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman. :Sprint:
__________________

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her. :D
__________________

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning. :rofl:




(I just know I'm going to suffer for these jokes! :disturbd: :D )
__________________

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?" :erm:

How to Impress
 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring food & Beer.
__________________

10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired and are each assigned a section of the road.
The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1mile.
On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5 miles.
On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5 miles.
The manager decides to talk to the blonde to see what happened....
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
The blonde replied ''I'd be painting more, but the bucket's getting farther and farther away!'''

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

You're a dead man Paul :D
__________________

A dyslexic man walks into a rab........................
__________________

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
:D
__________________

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
:D
__________________

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before..................... :angel:
__________________

20 lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word 'pants'


1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

3. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.

4. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

5. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

6. These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

7. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

8. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

9. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

10. I used to bulls-eye Womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. Governor Tarkin. I should have recognised your foul pants when I was brought on board

12. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark!

13. That blast came from those pants! That thing's operational!

14. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

15. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

16. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

17. Yeah, well short pants are better then no pants at all, Chewie.

18. Attention. This is Lando Calrissian. The Empire has taken control of my pants. I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

19. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

20. You came in those pants? You're braver then I thought.



:rofl:
__________________

25 Proverbs to a Healthier Life

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
:tu: :D
__________________

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and
said:

"Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and
set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful
and happy doing do."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautÃÃâ€*’©ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f_cking think so!"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Sven Goran Ericsson, David Beckham and Millionaire

The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericsson is appearing on "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"

He has reached the million pound question and Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this one is for a million pounds, and remember you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

Here's your question : What type of animal lives in a Sett?"
Is it,
A) a badger
B) a ferret
C) a mole OR
D) a cuckoo?

Remember that he's from Sweden and some unusual English words may not be known to him. Sven ponders for a while, and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not sure. I'll have to go 50:50. "Right, Sven, we'll take away two wrong answers and you are left with BADGER and CUCKOO.

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure. I'll phone a friend" "Who are you going to call, Sven?", asks Chris.

"Hmmmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham", says Sven.

So Chris telephones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here and with your help he could win a million pounds. The next voice you ill
hear will be Sven's".

"Hello, David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss", says David without any hesitation.

"Are you sure, son?" asks Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger."

"Is that your final answer, Sven?" asks Chris.

"Yes!" says Sven.

"That's the correct answer, you've won the million pounds!!"

Wild celebrations ensue in the studio .....

Next morning at football training, Sven calls David across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"

"Oh ..., I didn't, boss." replies David, "but everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Topical joke, for me anyway.;)



A couple decide to use the code word "washing machine" when they want sex.

At bedtime he says "washing machine", she replies, "not tonight, I'm tired". 10 minutes later she feels guilty so turns over to him and says "washing machine", he replies, "too late, it was only a small load so I did it by hand".

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Drug dealers

V

Software developers

Refer to their clients as "users".


Refer to their clients as "users".
-
"The first one's free!"


"Download a free trial version..."
-
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).


Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
-
Strange jargon:
"Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".


Strange jargon:
"SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
-
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.


Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
-
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.


Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
-
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.


Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing).
-
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.


DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
-
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.


Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!




:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?" :D
__________________

Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man. :D
__________________

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Men have only two faults:

Everything they say.....

Everything they do.....
__________________

There are 10 types of people in this world:

Those that understand binary.....

Those that don't.....
__________________

There are 3 types of people in this world:

Those that can count.....

Those that can't.....

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Long, naff joke alert

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A Classic........

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Men Beware! This is very frightening!!!! Men, be more alert and cautious
when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a new drug that is in
liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at
parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking
news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the
street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost
any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men
are rendered literally helpless against such tactics. Please! Forward this
to everyone you know...There are just too many innocent men out there to
leave unaware of the great vulnerability they may have to this insidious
liquid. :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

There was an Englishman, Ishrisman, Welshman and a Scotsman, the Englishman said to the other 3, I'll bet you a hundred pounds each you can't name 3 fish begining with and ending with a K, they thought long and hard, eventually they gave up and asked what they were. The Englishman replied ..... Killer SharK , I'll give you that one, said the Welshman, whats the other 2, they asked ? Laughing, the Englishman said, Kwik Save HaddocK, I'll give you that one said the Irishman, whats the last one they asked ? still laughing, the Englishman said KilmarnocK,the Scotsman leaped to his feet, thats not a fish, he said, what do you mean said the Englishman .................................................. ....................... It's a Plaice,

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized
up by God...


"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure to send you to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly
Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case,
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"


Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"


God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help
you make a decision."


"Fine, but where should I go first?"


God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."


Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a
beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of
beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill
was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY
want to see Heaven!"


"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds,
with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.


"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.


Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how
he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned
and tortured by demons.


"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.


Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"


God says, "That was the screen saver".

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

One-liners:

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.


:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Conversion Factors for your Digestion:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
19. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Driving to work this morning on the
motorway, I looked over to my right and
there was a woman in her brand new
Mercedes doing 85 miles per hour.


With her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her makeup!


I looked away for a couple seconds and when
I looked back she was halfway over in my
lane, still working on that damn makeup!!


Well, I'm a man, but this sight scared me so badly,
I dropped my electric razor, which knocked the doughnut
out my other hand, then while trying to straighten
out the car using my knee, it knocked my mobile phone
away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned my crotch, ruined the
damn phone and disconnected a very important call!!


LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!! :rolleyes: :)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came
in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and
another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have
lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what
it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what
the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is
there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

This is what she pointed to... :D
__________________

On a personal note........I experienced a similar occurrence.............

Last summer I wondered down to the local Quickfit tyre place and asked if I could have an old tyre to hang from a branch in the garden for my kids to swing on. The manager said yes so off I went and chose one from the big pile of old tyres at the back. I then asked him how much he wanted for the old tyre. He replied 'nothing, they charge us a pound for every one they have to take away'
I thanked him and as I turned to leave a little blonde thing (who was having her tyres changed) squeaked to the manager 'why can't I have those on my car then' :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,00 0"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking £950,00 0"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really
is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


I can just imagine a man doing that :LOL:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

What do you call a chav in a box,


INNIT :D

what do you call an eskimo chav????


innuinnit!!!!! :rofl:
__________________

what do you call a fat goth?


vampire the buffet slayer :D
__________________

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Chav male, 6ft 5in
tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big
Chavster. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow
job?" he whispers. At this, the Chav leaps up with fire
in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool,
he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves
him badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing
had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to
you?" "I'm not sure" the Chav replies. "Something about a job."

:rofl:
__________________

What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?!" :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:rofl: Just posted that one on Chat and they loved it :tu: