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A Chip walks into a bar and says, Ill have a pint of lager please barman, the barman says "Sorry we dont serve food in here" lol

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That joke is as good as:

An old man walked into a bar.
Funeral's Tuesday.

And yet, i still laughed.

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One straight from Chris Addison's Twitter feed.

"Good news: My company branched out into manufacturing blenders. Bad news: It's gone into liquidation. I said.. Is this on? [taps microphone]"

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2 fish in a tank, one says to the other i hope u can drive this thing lol

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said,'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and football and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

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That rings so many bells there.

Don't think I ought to share it with the wife though...

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FIFA President Sepp Blatter confirmed today that the world football organisation is conducting trials to improve player discipline by introducing a naughty corner where referees could order a player to stand for up to ten minutes. :dunce:

Under the scheme yellow-carded players must go at once to the nearest corner and stand in the quadrant facing the flag. Asked whether the player might be subjected to abuse by opposing fans, Blatter said that this shouldn’t happen, as it was very important that everyone pretend he is not on the pitch, by not speaking to him, to show how upset his friends are about his behaviour. :erm:

Keith Hackett, refereeing supremo for the English FA, commented that it was an innovative idea which made perfect sense, commenting ‘I always wondered what those little arcs in the corner were for’. :dozey:

Si thee :Sprint:

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Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,
'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife 'So I just switched the heads.'

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Why can't you borrow money from a Leprechaun ?



Because they're always a little short :o:

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It happens to us all in the end, sigh .......................!

An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

*

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'

**

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

***

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

****

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
Is she a good cook?'
'No, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

*****

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

******

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

*******

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

********

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Si thee :Sprint:

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<Removed>

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tell it me in PM dude im intrigued now lol

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That means I've got to type it all out again :)

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lol no worries then