Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man and woman went to a restaurant and the lady wanted the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip from the tank for her main course.
The waiter took the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip to the kitchen and gave it to the french chef jervaisse.
As he raised the cleaver to chop off its head, it looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and said "please dont kill me" and he couldn't.
So he called over the german washer up Hans and told him to kill the squid.
As Hans raised the cleaver to chop off its head the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and said
"please dont kill me" and Hans couldn't do it either.

The moral of the story is that Hans that do dishes can be as soft as jervaisse with a mild green hairy lipped squid!!!!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Scouse vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Portslade, Crawley, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales?.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I bought the wife a new bag and belt for her birthday...

The hoover works perfectly now.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two monkeys in the shower together.
One goes 'ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, aah, aah, aah, aah'.
The other says 'well add some cold water then!'
:erm:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The official from Nescafé manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafé official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafé is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." :shocked:

"Well," says the Nescafé man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafé guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafé respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the Catholic church if you will change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good
news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're dropping the Hovis account." :dozey:

Sigh...........................!

Ohh they get worse, see below!


Paddy was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.:erm:"

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! :shocked:

Doc: "Why, that's amazing, you followed my instructions?"

Paddy nodded...

Paddy: "I'll tell you doh, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on every tird day."

Doc: "From hunger?"

Paddy: "No, from skippin'.....!


Sigh...................!

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Apologies if this has been posted before - sent over from a friend in the US.

SCHOOL 1967 vs 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack .
1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey parents sue school and have teacher arrested.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that passing English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

------------------------------

I wasn't sure if this belomged in Jokes or Current Affairs?!?!?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Master Card Wedding

You got to love this guy.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning.

While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card

"PRICELESS" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends:
$32,000...

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000...

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui :
$8,500...

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man:
Priceless...

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - - What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

If its a true story, then why is it in the jokes section?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

9 times out of ten, these type of "true stories" turn out to be urban legends.

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp


.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

THE BATHTUB TEST

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. :dozey:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.":erm:

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.":)

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want the bed nearest the window?" :shocked:

Si thee :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Council tax assessors want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

The two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. ............

Honestly - who'd live near Buckingham Palace?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. :Yikes:

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" :Yikes:

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" :mad:

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,... You could make the BEAR a Christian?" :disturbd:

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.


The sounds of the forest resumed.


The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke:

"For this food I am about to receive may the lord make me truly thankful." :D


Si thee :rolleyes:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Nelson and Hardy going into battle


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal- aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."

---------- Post added at 10:26 ---------- Previous post was at 10:19 ----------

A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all same!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

THIS ONE IS TRUE!
I work shifts and one of the blokes gives this old chap (John) a free haircut whenever he needs it.
Anyway, one night shift John asked Ged for his usual haircut and Ged did the business.
There was no mirror handy so John had to wait until he was getting washed and changed to go home before he could check out his haircut - only to find that he had been given a mohican, not a pretty site on a white haired 60+ man!
John sees the joke and agrees to have it sorted when he comes back in the next night.
When he gets home his wife goes ballistic - "Who did it? What's his phone number? I'm going to ring him right now"
To which John replies "It won't do you any good dear, he doesn't do womens hair"

Well I thought it was funny

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens, which he kept In the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered tht his prized cockrel was missing. :mad:

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked his congregation,

"Has anybody got a cock?" - All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what meant. Has any body seen a cock?" - All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?".............. - Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, Has anybody seen MY cock?" - Sixteen altar boys, two priests, a goat and four sheep stood up. :shocked:

Obviously not his day ;)

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken, leaning against the headboard, smoking with a smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit annoyed, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says.............."Well, I guess we finally answered that question" :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:D very good, lol

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

"Apparently" this is a true story. :erm:

During the late 60's, scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens (at high velocity) towards the windshields of airliners and military jets. The concept was to simulate collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

The gun was set up and the first test performed, when fired, the engineers stood in horror as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. :omg:The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce (along with the designs of the windshield) the results of the disastrous experiment, and begged the British scientists for suggestions. :D

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:



"DEFROST THE CHICKEN FIRST" :dozey:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Mmmmm....

http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the
checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't
know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked
up the intercom and said...








(you'll love this one...................)






















'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An elephant never forgets?

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. :shocked: Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. :shocked:

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped it's trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant. :rolleyes:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Quiz show extracts.......( I pmsl at some of these)

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango. 'T' for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread .. .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm .. .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: What's the Prince of Wales's Christian name?
A: Err . . .
Q: Here's a clue: he was married to Diana.
A: Err . . .
Q: It begins with a 'C'.
A: No idea.

MAGIC FM
Graham Dene: What was the name of Tony Blair's chief spin-doctor who resigned last year?
Contestant: Iain Duncan Smith.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . . .. er . . . three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

STEVE PENK BREAKFAST SHOW (VIRGIN RADIO)
Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant: America? Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

THE VAULT
Gabby Logan: What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant: Kentish Town?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton

DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)
DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant: Wales.

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing . .. what?
Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, cool.gif English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgic.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm .. .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
:rofl:

---------- Post added at 20:48 ---------- Previous post was at 20:46 ----------

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why The English Wore Red Coats

A couple of hundred years ago, Britain and France were at war. During one
battle, the French captured an English colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to
question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked,
"Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the
reason English officers wear red coats is that if they are shot
the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear
brown pants.....

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I thought that was a condition that caused everyone except the sufferer to fall asleep. :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Kerry sheep farmer is walking across his fields when he comes upon an English hiker lying down on his belly beside a river/stream. He has one hand on the bank and with the other hand he is scooping water up and drinking it. The farmer says:

Na bi ag ol an uisce seo as an abhainn seo, ta siad a lan .... (stop drinking that water it is full of sheep shoite)

And the English man says " I say old boy, could you repeat that in the Queens English"

And the old farmer said: "Ah I was just saying there that if you cup both hands together you will be able to swallow a lot more"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

LMAO...very good

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A little chiwowah dog had escaped from it's owner and was enjoying it's new found freedom toddling along and doing all of the unmentionable things that dogs do when out and about. During it's travels, it suddenly stopped to have a scratch outside the door of a public house when suddenly the door burst open and an absolutely parallytic man staggered out and promptly threw up - all over the little dog. :sick:

The dog (in shock) sat frozen to the spot, whilst the man took a deap breath and focused on the unfortunate animal sat in front of him (amongst the diced carrots , peas and potato remnants) :eh:. The man looked around, scratched his head and said:

"Bl**dy hell, I don't remember eating that"!

Sigh......................!

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Someone offered me four legs of venison for fifty quid last night

Do you think thats two dear ?


<<<< leaving quite quickly indeed

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Reminds me of an 'incident' in Manchester many years ago. Mrs A and I attended a party in Longsight and she had rather too much red wine. In the morning she was looking rather peeky but we went on to the 8th Day as planned to get some muesli. We parked on the road round the back but, immediately she got out of the van, Mrs A started throwing up in the gutter. All pink and runny it was too - yeuch! Then, at the side of her blurry vision she noticed that a small dog had come over and was starting to lick at it. Then she noticed the long extendible lead and then the smart looking but horrified woman at the other end. She couldn't help herself but carry on throwing up, splatting the dog. A great moment :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Doing the maths I would say that it is one deer,;)

Jim.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Its unusual to see jokes that I have not seen before. And thats the funniest joke that I've seen in ages. Do you know its source?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I know this is jokes thread, but I thought this was funny
The link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/e...es/6945767.stm

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London , especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired" "They only know how to say ..... Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?" :shocked: "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will also teach yours to praise and worship instead." "Oh thank you" the woman responded. :)

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house, and (as the priest said) there they were his two male parrots clutching rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims "drop the beads Frank, looks like our prayers have finally been answered!!" :shocked:

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

During the US President's (daily) morning executive staff meeting, Donald Rumsfeld (secretary for defense) briefed President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the colour ran from Bush's face, he then collapsed onto his desk - holding his head in his hands. :shocked:

He sat like that for several minutes, visibly shaken, and whimpering. Finally after composing himself, the president sat up, and asked Rumsfeld:

"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" :doh:

Sigh......................!

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

red wine reduction with a little rosemary I think :D


(no, no idea where it came from)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband Jake maintaining a steady vigil by her side.

As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face,splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's alright.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.

"Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said.

"You do?" she asked.

"Yes, I do. Why do you think I poisoned you, you ****?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A young boy, was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, special learning centers, everything they could think of to help him improve.

Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths!

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

The little boy looked at her and shook his head: "No Mummy."

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around..."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

"Aye, this is a nice bar," the Scotsman says, "but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Si, dat's a nice-a bar, but where I-a come from, dere's a better one.
In-a Roma, dere's-a dis place, Vincenzo's. You buy a drinka, Vincenzo buys you a drinka. You buy anudda drinka, Vincenzo buys you anudda drinka."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they boi you yer first drink, dey boi you yer second drink, den dey boi you yer tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you out de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" the other two exclaim. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No", the Irishman says, "but it happened to me sister".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupidconvention." Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting " Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2? Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"


:erm:

Location: Middlesbrough

I'll go now.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that d*mn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

18 goes into 54
 

Re: 18 goes into 54
 

:LOL: lol i like it :D

Re: 18 goes into 54
 

LMFAO nice 1 :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Get your tax returns in one time. :D

http://tinyurl.com/2junko

Jim.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock." the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, ****s sake, you ****ing ****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

"Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing."

"What are the symptoms?"

"They're those yellow people on TV."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A lawyer goes through a stop sign and is seen and pulled over by a Police car.
The lawyer thinks he is smarter than a humble beat copper and decides he have some fun at the cops expense.
The cops asks for his driving licence and the lawyer replies
"What for?"
The cop says "You failed to come to a complete stop at that stop sign there"
The lawyer replies "I slowed down and nothing was coming"
The cop says "You didn't come to a complete stop, do you have your driving licence?"
The lawyer replies "Whats the difference?"
The cop says "The law states you have to come to a complete stop at a stop sign"
The lawyer replies "If you can show me the difference between stop and slow down I'll give you my licence. If you can't you won't give me a ticket, is that fair?"

The cop thinks about this and says "That does sound fair, please step out of the vehicle sir"
The lawyer steps out and as he does this the cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the living daylights out of him and says "Now sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

1) Whats pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants in the morning.......???




Your mother of course:)

2) Two Scottie dogs(dugs) walking down(doon) the road and one says to the other

"I`m awa"

So the other pi**ed on him

:rolleyes:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Not a joke, but a punny actual shop title.

This lunchtime, I was perambulating along Trongate in the Glasgow City Centre, when I spied a children's clothes shop with a cracking name........


Weans World.:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What about the dyslexic madam then, decided to open the biggest, poshest, most esclusive warehouse in Manchester. :rolleyes:

Sigh..........

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Biker and God

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish�.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
Ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports
Required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when
she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy".

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Last time I was in Canada we were in Wasaga Beach, there was a Beauty/Nail Salon called....

"Get Nailed on the Beach"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Kansas, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The vet thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Kansas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Kansas?"

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kansas." :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

that was good :). thanks for the post :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Probably been done, but what the heck....

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

Probably the best bloke joke ever
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A ventriloquist visiting Wales , walks into a small village and sees a
Local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welsh
Bloke "Good Day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Welsh Bloke: "The dog doesn't talk, are you stupid?"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welsh Bloke: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
Villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
Takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welsh Bloke: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welsh Bloke: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Welsh Bloke: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
Regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect
Me from the elements."
Welsh Bloke: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welsh Bloke: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

By a remarkable coincidence, and with great pizzaz, Japanese motor engineers, have today, announced a new motor caravan - the Nissan Dorma.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going
to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those
results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,




JESUS SAVES

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Q. What's pink and hard?

A. A pig with a flick-knife.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

"Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load! "Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your
load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says

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I do miss my more moderate climate back home in Bonnie Scotland:)

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Why do geeks think Halloween and Christmas occur on the same day?

Because 31oct = 25dec...

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Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan....:D

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How many letters are there in the alphabet at christmas time?

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25......




Noel.... :p:

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wife gets naked and asks hubby,"what turns you on more,my pretty face or my sexy body?"hubby looks her up and down and replies;"huh,thats easy.....,your sense of humour!":D

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After seeing this thread Link

I have just heard the installer was pulled up before his manager and asked to give his account on one of the worse installs the manager had ever seen.

The installer said he was aware of much worse installs than this one. The manager said if you can show me a worse one than this I will let you keep your job.

The manager was taken around the corner where indeed there was an install much, much worse than the one seen. The manager was dumfounded and asked the installer did he know who did it. Yes said the installer it was me! :D

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Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

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I'm sorry but I don't get it?

Please be kind and explain

---------- Post added at 20:30 ---------- Previous post was at 20:28 ----------

Doh just got it thanks to windows calc

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With the death of Pavarotti the Three Tenors will from now on be called twenty quid!

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They are going to be joined by Elton John and become the Two Tenors & the Nine Bob Note. :)

Jim.

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31 in octogon = 25 in decimals.

The octogon numbering system goes like this:-

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 30 31
whereas decimals is
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

QED.

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Still infinitely preferable to 50cent. :D

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Ermm...

I think you mean 'octal':
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Octal

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A lady (returning from holiday in Spain) is sitting in the aircraft (awaiting departure), when a man walks into the cabin along with a Cocker Spaniel dog and sits down next to her.

Lady: Excuse me but I thought animals were not allowed to travel with passengers in the cabin? :erm:

Man: That's correct, but this dog is classed as ground crew and allowed to travel with it's handler. :)

Lady: So what does it do then? :erm:

Man: It's a sniffer dog, trained to search and locate contraband, etc. :)

Lady: Really - any chance of a demonstration then? :erm:

Man: Yeah ok - can't so any harm. :)

The dog is released and promptly runs off for a search. Five minutes later it returns, sits down and places a paw on the man's leg.

Lady: What does that mean then? :erm:

Man: Looks like he's found someone with a load of tobacco, but that's not a problem. :)

Lady: Can he do that again then? :erm:

The dog is released again and promptly runs off for a search. Ten minutes later it returns, sits down and places two paws on the man's leg.

Lady: What does that mean then? :erm:

Man: Looks like he's found someone with a load of drugs, we'll deal with that at the end of the flight. :)

Lady: I'm impressed - one more? :erm:

Man: Okay last time. :)

Again the dog is released and (as before) promptly runs off for a search. Twenty minutes later it returns, pooes in the isle and starts shaking.

Lady: Good heavens is that supposed to happen, or does it mean something? :erm:

Man: Very serious I'm afraid - looks like he's found a bomb. :o:

:Yikes: :Yikes: :Yikes: :Yikes: :Yikes:

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Even though it is the gambling capital of the World Las Vegas has more churches than casinos but is finding a problem with more and more of the collections made each Sunday are in gaming chips from the Casinos.

With the churches unable to spend time going round each casino to exchange the chips they have come up with a solution.

They gather all the chips and once a month send them to a Monastery in order to be sorted, exchanged and the resultant money returned to each church.

This sorting and exchanging is done by the chip monks.

*Gets coat. Apologises profusely. Promises never to make a joke as poor again*

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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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CHECK FOR ALZHEIMERS

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person (over 40 years of age) in most cases cannot do it! :erm:

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is a cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is sucker cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is at cat.
12. This is least cat.
13. This is forty cat.
14. This is seconds cat.
15. This is flat cat.

Finally to complete the test, go back and very quickly read the third word in each line from the top down to the bottom.

Good score...? :D

Si thee

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:p:

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Party pooper...:D

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Englishman & Welshman are walking through the country one day.....

The Englishman spys a heard of sheep in yonder field and says to the Welshman...."here,watch this" .....the Englishman then hops the fence,grabs a poor sheep by the back legs,sticks them in his wellies and proceeds to give the sheep a good ole seeing to.

The Welshman looks on in Amazement before finally asking the Englishman if he minded him having a go too.

"Dont be silly" the Englishman said......"be my guest"

So the Welshman dropped his trousers and bent over in front of the Englishman........."be gentle" he says.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital (wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose), drifting in and out of conciousness after a prolonged surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. but that's not what I said, I asked:

A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

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Wife comes into bedroom, wearing saucy underwear, and says to her husband "do you want supersex ?" Husband replies "soup please luv" :D

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A very loud, fat, sweaty and unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco’s with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. :erm:

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco’s. Nice children you've got there, are they twins?" :)

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?" :mad:

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe that someone could have actually sh***ed you twice!" :dozey:

Si thee

Shot in the Dark
 

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

;)

Re: Shot in the Dark
 

Ha ha, I've heard that before.

Re: Shot in the Dark
 

hehe, i got some really good ones but they are with pictures.

Re: Shot in the Dark
 

Poor dog lol...

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Supermans flying around bored out of his skull so he starts around looking for something to do. He's cruising over Wonder Woman's house and sees that her bedroom window is open. He swoops down and has a look in the window only to see Wonder Woman lying there butt naked and squirming around,looking real hot.

Superman is quickly turned on watching her so he decides what the hell, I can fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows whats hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam thank you mam and he's out of there again.

Wonder Woman knowing that something had happened said, "What was that?"

The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore.":shocked:

Re: Shot in the Dark
 

Has anyone stopped to wonder what he was doing playing with himself infront of the dog! ewww.

The version I knew was 3 brothers, two passed it going to the toilet, the third farted and killed the cat. Poor kitty.

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Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. At the examining room he told the doctor, "now you mustn't laugh!" :erm: "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." :dozey: "Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. :eek:

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem? :erm:

"It's swollen," Dan replied.

Sigh.............! :rolleyes:

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A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

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This one is for everyone who...

a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"



She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

Re: Shot in the Dark
 

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Bob. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I
recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi, Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling
him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and
says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."