Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Madonna's recently opened a new chain of curryhouses called.....

..Poppadom Preach.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:


1. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

2. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

3. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

4. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

5. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

6. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

7. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

8. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

9. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

10. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

11. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

12. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

13. Parallel fines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

14. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

15. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

16. A circle is a fine which meets its other end without ending.

17. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

18. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

19. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

20. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of longhaired sheep.

21. If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

22. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

23. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

24. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than ft can hold.

25. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

26. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

27. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

28. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

29. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

30. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

31. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

32. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

33. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

34. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill R.

35. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

36. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

37. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

38. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until R drops in your throat.

39. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

40. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

41. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

42. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

43. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

44. When you smell an odourless gas, It is probably carbon monoxide.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sicknotes

These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.
15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Breaking news: The Pakistanis have given up playing cricket. They taken up Bob Slaying instead :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Very poor taste.
I see CF has stuck with it's tradition of allowing insults against Pakistani's.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

enjoy

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Heard this on the cricket of all places

A frog walks into a bank, he walks up to a cashier, he can see her name badge, it says Miss Paddywack, the frog introduces himself as Kermit Jagger and asks for a £30 000 loan, Miss Paddywack tells the frog that the bank don't normally lend money to frogs, Kermit tells her that his father is none other than mega rich pop star Mick Jagger, Miss Pandywack decides to patronize the frog by saying that he'd have to see the manager and it wont be considered without collateral, Kermit says he has collateral and produces a lovely ornate pyramid, which whilst very nice certainly isn't worth £30 000, however Miss Paddywack is flustered she goes into the managers office and tells him about the frog wanting to secure a loan against an ornament

The bank manager said: Its a nic nak paddywack give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone :rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and Mick Jagger?

One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" while the other says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe"!

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

It's not funny but ok.

a hillbillys shaggin his sister n she starts laughin ..he says whats funny... she says you **** like dad...he says yeh thats what mam said

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Stop telling tales about the good people of Sunderland.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why are tornados like a marriage?

To begin with there is a lot of blowing and sucking and in the end you lose your house :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this new girl passes them
going to the toilet.
Guy says "I think she's nice"
Guy's mate "well nip over and give her the patter"
Guy "the patter?"
Guy's mate "aye, the patter"
Guy "I don't know any patter, I've never found it easy to talk to
girls"
Guy's Mate "For f*ck's sake its easy all you have to say is "hello"
and she will say hello",
then you say "It's a nice day isn't it",
then she will say "Yes it is",
then you say " But not half as nice as you!",
then she will say "Oh thank you" then the patter will just flow."
Guy's Mate "Look there she coming back out, go on give it a go"
So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head
He walks up and says "Hello"
She says "Hello"
He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"
She says "Yes it is"
He says "but not half as nice as you"
She says "Oh thank you"
Few seconds of uneasy silence..............


Then he says.................


"Been for a sh*te then?"


:rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:gpoint: I thought that was Newcastle?

-------------------------

Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, " Do these chickens get any bigger?"

He replied, "No, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.

The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

And finally #5,

**Snappy answer of the year**

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-**** bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?� The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, Decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."


"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes ..

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes............


"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I had just been to church, and was having a coffee afterwards in the church hall with two friends of mine, and the vicar came over for a chat. He had presided over a funeral the day before, and it was still on his mind.

He asked us: “When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?�

Andrew said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.�

Jonathan commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.�

I said: “I'd like them to say, ‘Look, he's moving!’Ãà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How to repair DEAD hard drive!

If the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem it is really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive if you know what to do.
You will require #00 steel wool, paint thinner or gasoline, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.

First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.

Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with the paint thinner or gasoline. Bend the read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #00 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those irritating "bad sectors" that most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any dirt you neglected to remove.

Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

And for the sake of people with comprehension issues like Paul H, please note that this is in the jokes section and is not meant as serious instruction...... but then again....... ;)

---------- Post added at 21:50 ---------- Previous post was at 21:48 ----------

I'll get my coat

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I wonder when Zingle last tried that :D

---------- Post added at 22:11 ---------- Previous post was at 22:11 ----------

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Irish Petrol Pump Attendant on a golf tour in Ireland,

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Old but still makes me laugh :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Apple Product Announcement

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.

This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

On getting older...


1.) Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two
years older than me. “So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She
responded,” Hardly worth going home, is it?

2.) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."

3.) The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

4.) I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.

5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided
to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.” Wal-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week "

7.) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9.) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

11.) Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

12.) --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were female, one was a male. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the male gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The females applauded.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Not sure if this one has been posted or not
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there
is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into regular workout routine.


Dear Diary . .
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife
(the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football
team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress . .


Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to
find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today.
Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was
around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air --
then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and
enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine
--which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or
anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a vasectomy

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Married Couple's Pledge:

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the Golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Norfolk."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

---------- Post added at 22:07 ---------- Previous post was at 21:57 ----------

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Directions

Follow these steps [in order of course]

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Click on maps

3. Click on get directions

4. Go from "New York" to "Paris, France"

5. Scroll down in the directions to number 24 :confused:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

hmm, that might take a while :rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Been posted before here & here.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Oh :dunce:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Married ten times.


What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

BTW girls, I collect stamps too :-)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Folkestone & Dover in the early hours of Saturday .Its epicentre was in Folkestone. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Folkestone - oh, s*d it... they won't be able to read it anyway.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A filing cabinet has fallen off a lorry and is blocking 2 lanes of the m25. Reports say there's stationary traffic

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:banghead:



:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A lorry load of horse hair was spilt on the M25. Police are combing the area for clues.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A giant hole appeared on the motorway over night - police are looking into it

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A little old man goes to the doctor for a complete medical check-up.
After the examination the doctor says, "I'm afraid there are two
problems with your health - which do you want to hear first?"

"Give me the worst first."

"I'm afraid you've got cancer - it's pretty bad and it's spreading
rapidly. There's no treatment available. I'm afraid you don't have
very long to live."

"So, what's the other problem?"

"You've also got Alzheimer's disease."

"Could be worse," the old man says, obviously relieved. "Could be
cancer!"

Terrible really :shocked:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Blimey its Raist, hows it hanging mate :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

To the left mate, to the left ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

If he is going to post jokes like that, he can go back to lurking ;)

- only kidding :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

This is without doubt the best 3D illusion picture I've ever seen...

If you sort of de-focus your eyes & stare, eventually you should see a giraffe...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sorry another long one!

A Retirement Story from Jim

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledgehammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I took my girlfriend into an Ann Summers shop the other day and splashed out on a pair of knickers, so I had to buy them.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:LOL:

I was waiting for that one to come around...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why do midgets laugh when they run in the park?
















the grass tickles their nuts.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Bacon Tree--

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Eees a Ham Bush!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

paddy says to mick: 'here mick,can you help me with this jigsaw,its sposed to b a tiger', mick says to paddy: 'put the frosties back in the box paddy'.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting
in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

---------- Post added at 22:08 ---------- Previous post was at 22:05 ----------

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received the
most calls ever on a singles ad:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in
the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing
trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society
about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I met a man yesterday with one arm who said he was he was going to change a light bulb.

I asked if that would be difficult for him?

"Shouldn’t be a problem" replied the man "as I have the receipt".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?�
Officer: “Ma'am, you were speeding.�
Woman: “Oh, I see.�
Officer: “Can I see your license please?�
Woman: “I'd give it to you but I don't have one.�
Officer: “Don't have one?�
Woman: “Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.�
Officer: “I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.�
Woman: “I can't do that.�
Officer: “Why not?�
Woman: “I stole this car.�
Officer: “Stole it?�
Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.�
Officer: “You what?�
Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.�

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: “Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!� The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: “Is there a problem sir?�
Officer 2: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.�
Woman: “Murdered the owner?�
Officer 2: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.�

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma'am?�
Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.�

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.�

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: “Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.�
Woman: “Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.�

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' Drizzle.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should
be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to explain,"
Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you
really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies
are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh
.equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

" Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Subject:Tech Support Request


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Yours,

Desperate
------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:

C:\I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

------------------

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

An additional problem is that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Yours,
Confused

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

This morning on the way to work I ran into the back of a car at some lights.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

They used to laugh at me when I was growing up and I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!

Bob Monkhouse

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Another Bob M joke -
I want to die in my sleep, like my father.

Not like his passengers, wailing and screaming........

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A third Bob M joke, talking about old age.

I'm still having sex at 73. And I live at number 85.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???

A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!...... BUCKLE up and pass it on..

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An oldie but a goldie.

Pastors, Priests and Ministers - look away now:

The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for £10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair." :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night whilst the neighbour's dog barks through the night in the garden next door.

Paddy says, "I've had enough of this!" as he storms out of the house at 1am in the morning.

5 minutes later he comes back upstairs looking rather pleased with himself. "What have you done?", his wife asks.

"Put the dog in our garden... see how they like it"

----

I don't know why, but I found that funny. :erm:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Wyoming cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man elect one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog. "http://www.smileyhut.com/laughing/hysterical.gif

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving
around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess
how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the
gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no
discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd
was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K.,
I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde
carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by
far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the
shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If
I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

1
One day three Indian VM call center operatives were on a plane over to the UK to take part in further training courses.

Whilst at 33,00 feet the plane developed serious engine troubles and suddenly began plummeting towards earth.Upon watching the pilot & co pilot bale out with the only two paracutes the 3 reps prceeded to scream in terror at each other until one suddenly comes up with the bright idea of pleading with Allah to save them all.

So,the first rep jumped out of the plane and shouted "Allah please save me"
and a big black hand swooped him up and put him gently down to earth

The second rep jumped out and shouted "Allah please save me" and sure enough a big black hand swooped him up and put him gently down to earth.

The third rep jumped out the plane and shouted "Allah please save me".....?????......10,000 feet,5000 feet....."Allaaaah pleeeease save me"????

1000 feet and again he screams"Allaaaaaah pleeeeeease save me" and with just inches to spare the big black hand and swooped him up and put him gently down to earth.

"Oh thank god for that" he says ....nd a big black foot stood on him:disturbd:

2
My wife says i`m rubbish at sex....so i says to her "i never hear your moaning"
She says "THATS the bloody problem":Yikes:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Only problems with the first joke is:-
- Most Indians are Hindu, so do not worship Allah.
- Most Indians are brown, not black (re big black hand and foot).

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching
a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of
brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little Chinese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he
slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:














(It's a beauty)


















(Wait for it)
















(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

























"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Groan lol

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

YOUNGEST SON ASKED HIS FATHER: "Daddy what is the difference between "potential" and "reality"?
Dad:"I will show you", Dad turned to his wife and
ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 Million Dollars?"
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"
Then Dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Will Smith for 2 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will that's my fantasy"
So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him:"Son, will you sleep with Denzel Washington for 1 Million dollars?"
Elder Son replied: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what Icould do with 1 Million dollars, I would never hesitate!"
So the Father turns to his younger son and says: "You see son, POTENTIALLY we are sitting on 4 Million dollars, But in REALITY we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Police have revealed the one of the men arrested at Glasgow airport on Saturday was a Poetry student at Paisley University.

He's currently in the serious burns unit...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

And on that note, this joke is doing the rounds in Glasgow; it's about John Smeaton, one of the baggage handlers who wellied the flaming terrorist (in so many ways) -

Glasgow Baggage Handler John Smeaton:

Once a cobra bit John Smeaton's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

John Smeaton uses his abs to smooth diamonds

John Smeaton does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge John Smeaton

Everynight before the bogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for John Smeaton.

John Smeaton doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

It was once believed that John actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by John himself to lure more terrorists to him

Smeaton went tae the same school as Charles Bronson and stole his dinner money everyday.

John Smeaton isn't afraid of the dark...the dark is afraid of John Smeaton.

John Smeaton once killed a lion with his bare hands.

John Smeaton can make a woman climax just by looking at her and shouting ALLAH!

Anthropologists are studying John Smeaton to try to find the origins of the lack of "flight" in his "fight or flight" response

Smeaton used to racially abuse Bruce Lee to his face, and forced him to cook him Chicken choi mein every night free of charge.

Alex Salmond has abandoned any future plans for wind farms in Scotland.He is just going to use Johnny's arms to power the whole of Scotland and sell the surplus energy to the East Coast of America.

There was a Comet headin straight for Earth one year ago, it was too big for Nasa to destroy wi Nuclear bombs.. so they phoned Smeaton to jump up on springs and punch eff oot it.

John once challenged Chuck Norris to a square go. Mr Norris kindly refused the advance.

John Smeaton can strangle you with a cordless phone.

John Smeaton won a game of connect 4 in 2 moves.

John Smeaton can delete the recycle bin

If you wake up tomorrow, it'll be because John Smeaton allowed you to

Smeaton once held down eight Tigers and gang raped them.

John Smeaton dosent sleep, he waits.

When John Smeaton does push ups, he's actually pushing the ground down.

The Argies surrendered Port Stanley when the heard that John Smeaton had been born.

John Smeaton is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a effing Jeep.

John Smeaton drowned a fish.

Death once had a near-John Smeaton experience.

John Smeaton died 5 years ago, Death never had the balls to tell him

John Smeaton once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How very observant of you.:rolleyes:

I wondered how long it would take someone

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

... and his name is Singed Inajeep!


........:o:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

...to realise that Allah is actually black.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains.

Stop messing about and hand me the detonators

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

4x4 for sale...
slight overheating problem...
goes like a bomb


ik

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Liverpool airport was put on a high security alert late last night. A suspicious vehicle was found with 4 wheels, tax, MOT and insurance. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Naa...i just wondered how long it would be before someone was observant enough to point out the Indian problem,i did change the joke from it`s original Pakistani origins just to add the VM angle so i half expected to be shown the error of my ways:)


Anyway......moving on:sleep:
Whats pink & wrinkled and hangs out your underpants in the morning??

Your mother.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Paddy ( Irish joke BTW) is in bed late at night, the neighbours dog is barking so loud it is keeping him and his missus awake. After an hour or so he jumps out of bed, "I'm going to fix that bloody animal once and for all". He comes back to bed and five minutes later the dog is barking as loud as ever. "I thought you had sorted it" said his wife, " to be sure I did, I brought it into our garden , lets see how they like it" :D

Jim.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I knew someone who did circumcisions on elephants.

He said the money was poor but the tips were huge..... :disturbd:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I thought this sounded familiar....

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34328604-post767.html

;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included 20 Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.


At a reception, he found himself standing with a huge group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks,but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages.
"Americans learn only English!"

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in
these conferences, rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

"Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your @#$%& and go as a toffee apple."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Jim and Karen were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.
Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Karen's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Karen the news she said, "Karen, I have good
news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you
have
a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."
Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man parks deliberately within a disabled area of a supermarket. As he moves away from his car a jobs worth in a uniform shouts at him and barks "EXCUSE ME SIR BUT DO YOU REALISE THAT PARKING SPACE IS FOR DISABLE PEOPLE"? The man replies calmly and says "yes I do" whereupon the jobs worth retorts "WELL YOU DON'T LOOK DISABLED TO ME - SIR..!" The man (again) calmly replies "but I can assure you I am" With this the jobs worth (getting agitated by the minute) again barks at the man "WHAT'S YOU DISABLEMENT THEN - SIR....!" :mad:

With this,the man then replies "TOURETTE'S YOU ******* ****** NOW **** OFF AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS - ****...!

Hope I don't end up in the hits (anag) for this one ;)

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said:
"Stop. Don’t do it."
"Why shouldn’t I?" he asked.
"Well, there’s so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said: "Yes."
I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic ****," and pushed him off.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather fetching blonde (standing behind him) has just raised her hand and mouthed hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a good-looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Excuse me but, do you know me?" :confused:

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" :shocked:

Suddenly (breaking out in a cold sweat) his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Goodness!" he says "I think I remember now, you're that stripper on my stag night that I bo**ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my b#m?"
\
/
\
/
\
/
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher" :Yikes:

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An old one:

Four people are on a train. An Englishman, a Welshman, a young lady and an old lady.

All of a sudden, the train goes into to a tunnel, and the lights go out. Everyone hears a slap, and the train comes out of the tunnel.

The Old lady looks and the Englishman and thinks he slapped the young lady. The young lady looks at the Welshman and thinks he slapped the old lady.

The Englishman looks at the Welshman and thinks "I hope we go into a tunnel again, so I can slap him again".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."










Two atoms are walking down the street when they run into each other. The first says to the second, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

There were two chippings sitting quietly in a pub having a drink when in walks this stranger. One chipping leans over to the other and says "You see that green chipping that's just walked up to the bar?". "Yes" replies the other. "Well, he's really hard, he is. You don't want to go messing with him.". "Why's that?" asked the second chipping. "Cos he's a cycle-path"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Three Englishmen are in a pub and spot a Scotsman at the bar. The first one says he's going to p*ss him off. So he walks over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really? Hmm, I didnae ken that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walks back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn" says his friend. So this second Englishman walks over and taps the Scotsman on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Jings, I didnae ken that either! Cheers pal." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman goes back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakeable!"

But the the third Englishman says "No, no, no, I'll really p*ss him off, you just watch."

So he wanders over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:D

Englishman,Irishman & Jock are captured by the Souix Indians.

Big chief ****ting bull pinches the Englishmans skin.."good skin,make 2 canoes"Then asked if he has any last requests to which the Englishman asks for a glass port.......before being skinned alive for the 2 canoes.

Chief then pinches the Paddy and declares "very good skin,make 3 cannoes".Paddy requests a guiness before being skinned for alive for the 3 canoes

Chief then pinches Jocks skin and astounded,decares "very very good skin,make 4 cannoes, any last requests"??
Jock requests a Macallans 25 Yr old malt & a fork....Bemused the chief grants the request only to watch Jock throw back the malt then proceed to stab himself all over with the fork shouting " yer nae gettin ony bloody canoes oot o me ya numpty"

:sleep:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Three (7 year old) children (two boys and a girl) where walking along the street when they came upon a Rolls Royce parked alongside a row of terraced houses.

First boy: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a footballer and buy a car like that" :cool:

Second boy: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a football manager and also buy a car like that" :cool:

Girl: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a prostitute then I can buy a car like that" :cool:

Two Boys: What's a prostitute? :confused: :confused:

Girl: Don't know, ask my sister - it's her car.:blush:


Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.


Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again. This also resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be.
The BUPA team won by a mile.

Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing."

To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one "Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year BUPA won by two miles.

Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to senior management.