Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Did you hear about Gareth Gates?

He went into a shop for a Mars bar and came out with 10 packets of M&Ms.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I don't get it:confused:

---------- Post added at 11:32 ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 ----------

Why are goths environmentally friendly?

they use candles

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They all died straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

i almost cried when reading that :(

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sam Ting every Monday.

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was
enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and
banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked
into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he
could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the
store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned
with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a
coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the
counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his
purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...evleebody ask me that . It name of owner.

" Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country.
I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of
me Jewish from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your
name?"

He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

10 signs you might be trailer trash:

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. :erm:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I had to think about this one :erm: but when it got there i laughed so hard hahahahaa:rofl::rofl: :LOL:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I had to look him up on Wikipedia before I got it.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What about the man who couldn't remember the difference between incest and arson.

Set fire to his sister. :rolleyes:

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Thats weird.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

My dad (who likes a drop of wine, as do I) sent me this:

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Another from my dad (where does he get them?):

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man went to a dentist one day for his regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist then advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure. :erm:

When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful, nevertheless the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. ;)

The patient then went on to indicate that he had two experiences (in recent times) that had made him immune to pain, so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth and to the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince. :shocked:

The dentist (quite astonished) remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences (you say you had) that made you immune to pain must have been something special, I'm intrigued would you care to tell me about them"? :erm:

The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had the overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. So I ducked behind a bush, squatted down and I can't believe I didn't see it, but my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a (spring loaded) rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". :cry:

The dentist (imagining the scene and turning pale) exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating - how very unfortunate, but that was the first experience what was the second". :o:

The man replied "when I ran out of chain" :dozey:

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A bit old but what the heck :D

One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed.
Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.
Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression.
One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question. After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok,"
she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Martin Keown?" :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Another from my uncle:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread