Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat b*stard!"

---------- Post added at 09:53 ---------- Previous post was at 09:43 ----------

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

---------- Post added at 09:59 ---------- Previous post was at 09:53 ----------

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

She shot herself in the left kneecap. :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating lunch and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."

Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese sandwiches again. If I get a Ham & cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and also jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny, arseless bint wearing oversized sun glasses and a trailer trash trucker baseball cap.

"Hey, don't look at me," said Posh, "David made his own lunch."

---------- Post added at 11:15 ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 ----------

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad

is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is

already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the

good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we

go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for

a few seconds and asks ...........................


"Really !!! So where does Tigger come from?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Kids Eh.......

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Jesus, Moses, and an old guy go golfing. Moses tee's off and hits the ball in a lake. He says "it's OK it's OK" and goes over and parts the waters. he hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2.

Then Jesus tee's off and the ball also goes in the lake. He says "it's ok it's ok," walks across the water, hits the ball again and gets a hole in 2.

Then the old guy tee's off. The ball flies into a rabbits mouth, and just as it goes in an eagle swoops down, picks up the rabbit and flies off. As they pass over the hole the rabbit spits out the ball and the old guy gets a hole in 1.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "I hate it when your dad plays."

:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Oh go away, that was nearly a year ago :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

old joke police need to step back!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Three young female clubbers were amazed to see Alex Ferguson out one night enjoying a pint.
Apparently, one young lady approached Ferguson and said "will you give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Ferguson "Sign here then," she said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Alex signed, just above her knee where she pointed.

Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said "Me too Alex, sign here" she promptly lifts up her top. Ferguson of course being a gent duly obliges.

The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Alex exactly where to sign his name "Sorry," said Ferguson "but only JosÃÃâ€*’© Mourinho signs tw*ts!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at McDonald's restaurant in Florida, USA. They hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a great severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
'post-it' notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That's why I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50lbs? 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Apologies if these have been posted before....

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around
2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would
trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She
was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '****. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for
it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I
lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next
Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour
slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told
them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on
Saturday. The shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A bear walks up to the bar and asks "Can I have a pint of................................................ .................................................. .................................................. ........lager?". The barman replies "Sure, but whay the big pause?".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Until further notice BA has halted all flights from the UK.

BA announced "I aint getting on no plane you crazy fool"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado. They are whirled off to the land of OZ.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and find the Great Wizard.

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says, "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem! says the Wizard. Who ' s next? "

Richard Nixon steps forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up steps Dubya and says,

"I'm told by some of the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard.

"Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"



"IS DOROTHY HERE?" :naughty:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

You forgot the punch line.

"Dunno, I've always had them", replied the bear.

;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and

tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the


cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches


from a large plate glass window.





For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still


shaking driver said,





"I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."





The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't


realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.





The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry. It's my entire fault. Today is


my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years"

IT CAN ONLY BE South.African. HOME AFFAIRS
 

recently met a Chinese man and his name was Sipho Mthetwa, and I asked:

'' How did you ever get a name like Sipho Mthetwa, being a Chinese man?''

Many, many years ago when come to South Africa, I was standing in line at

Home Affairs Document Centre. Man infront was big black man. Lady at
counter look at him and ask, ''What is your name ", he says, ''Sipho
Mthetwa".

Then she look at me and asks, "What is your name?
I say "Sem Ting''.

Please donate
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

At dawn's early light, the telephone rings...

"Hello, Mr Smith? This is Jackson... the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Jackson. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you Sir, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition?"

"Yes Sir...that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Sir."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Sir, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Sir. He had died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Sir!"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Sir! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the..!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Sir."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, funeral. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

A long pause of complete silence...

"Jackson, if you broke that driver, you're a dead man

---------- Post added at 13:00 ---------- Previous post was at 12:58 ----------

A young couple drove their car to Tesco only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the car park. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Who says being a hostage is difficult? Sure I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman who waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies," I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I f***** on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a*** with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

A Dire Warning to all us male beer drinkers
 

Warning...Beer contains Female Hormones

Last month, Scientists at Leicester University released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer & lager.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The findings were that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. :beer:

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary. :D

Re: A Dire Warning to all us male beer drinkers
 

Duck and cover!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I just want to say that peeing, sitting down, makes a lot of sense - when at home, anyway - and I drink wine, which isn't made with hops ;) :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I just got e mailed these awful puns/ jokes ;)

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

.

.



. (Wait for it).



..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

..








"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An Englishman walks into a pharmacy in Stockholm looking for deodorant. (You'll have to do an accent like the Swedish Chef yourself!)

Customer: Do you have any deodorant?
Assistant: Certainly sir - aerosol or ball?
Customer: Well it's for my armpits actually.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed, he's 24 years old now,"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother, cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other, happily.

"He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum, quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed, he's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says. "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Just got this tasteless joke through about Steve Irwin... If you don't like them, don't read them!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Run...........
Run and hide..........
You have offended the unoffensive........
It's been nice knowing you:p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

It's not been that nice ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Now theres a thing .... Mr NugFart appears in the JOKE thread, nice to see you where you belong .... :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

At least I'm not in the funny pictures thread ;)

---------- Post added at 16:32 ---------- Previous post was at 16:28 ----------

No, seriously - I'm not ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit den,'' says the Irishman

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

*groan* that's awful

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Thank you.... ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by hiswife dressed in a very Sexynightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First,of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER Listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

**************************************************

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman wouldn't employ him until he passed a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question:
same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Interesting indeed. The Orish say dirty tree and a turd, whereas the cockey sparrow would say furtay free and fared. Can anyone here talk propa?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I shouldn't, & apologies where due, but the phonetic version of an accent that always cracks me up is 'fern curls' courtesy of our friends from Hull :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

He takes her hand and says "Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea," and then.....he said with a deep sigh

"............let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is walking down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.

Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm a World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the globe', and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps returns to the headphones and listens to some more of the recording. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the globe" and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

OMG! That has got to be the worst joke I've heard in decades :shocked: :(

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Dear oh dear :rolleyes::p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

....if ever there was a case for bringing back capital punishment..... :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Guilty as charged...

Maybe change the thread title to 'Good Jokes Thread'... :erm:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

That reminds me.... I once bought a 45" record by Frank Sinatra.
It had "She's leaving me" on the front side, and "I wonder who's kissing her now" on the back side.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Edingburgh Fringe Quotes...

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child...well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" Andyou murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I wentinto Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic, Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station, Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation- but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to gothrough a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained forthat.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A blind man walks into a supermarket with his guide dog. Standing in the middle of the aisle, he starts swinging his dog around over his head. A startled member of staff approaches the man and asks: 'What are you doing sir?'. The man replies: 'Oh, I'm just having a look around'.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a terrorist attack.'

"Oh no!", the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted..."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark...

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming along one day, he saw the strange cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", was the reply.

Eager to put things right, Justin set off for Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted; "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and let me see you..."

Christian replied; "No way; you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back; "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:rofl: That was definitely one i'm emailing around :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A guy is driving around Belfast when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the man says.

"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff�

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I apologise in advance.............



==================================================

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:rofl: :rofl:

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Must have been a RAM buffer overflow :)

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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Pretty funny 1701 ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Cardiff Times
October 9, 2006

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the welsh soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.















(sorry welsh fans.... i 'm only jokin)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Bad timing after a 3-1 over Cyprus.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

It was posted before the game though. :p:

2 NUNS
 

>There were two nuns...
>
>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was
>known as Sister Logical (SL) .
>
>It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
>thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
>can we do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
>SM: It's not working.
>
>SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
>started to walk faster, too.
>
>SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
>this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
>happened to Sister Logical .
>
>Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
>SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
>
>SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he
>followed me
>
>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
>and
>he started to run as fast as he could.
>
>SM : And?
>
>SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
>
>SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
>SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
>SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
>SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
>man with his pants down .
>
>And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

No matter what the Hymie Rabinowiytz does in bed, his wife never achieves
orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his
beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over
you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the
wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a
strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm
and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming
orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Hahaha, very good... I'd rep you but I need to share some of the love around first :D
__________________________________________________ ______

The Laws of Project Management

• The same work under the same conditions will be estimated differently by ten different estimators or by one estimator at ten different times.
• Any project can be estimated accurately (once it's completed).
• The most valuable and least used word in a project manager's vocabulary is "NO".
• The most valuable and least used phrase in a project manager's vocabulary is "I don't know".
• Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
• You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
• At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
• If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
• The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the “situateeà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�.
• If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.
• It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Too few people on a project can't solve the problems - too many create more problems than they solve.
• A problem shared is a buck passed.
• A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would, anyway, melt when heat is applied.
• A user will tell you anything you ask about, but nothing more.
• A user is somebody who tells you what they want the day you give them what they asked for.
• Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
• What you don't know hurts you.
• The conditions attached to a promise are forgotten, only the promise is remembered.
• There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
• I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
• Estimators do it in groups - bottom up and top down.
• Good estimators aren't modest: if it's huge they say so.
• The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
• Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
• If project content is allowed to change freely the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.
• Change is inevitable - except from vending machines.
• The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
• Difficult projects are easy, impossible projects are difficult, miracles are a little trickier.
• If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
• The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of meeting the date is forgotten.
• If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but nevertheless really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
• What is not on paper has not been said.
• If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
• If you fail to plan you are planning to fail.
• If you don't attack the risks, the risks will attack you.
• A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
• The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
• A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
• If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
• When all's said and done a lot more is said than done.
• If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can leave until the day after.
• Feather and down are padding - changes and contingencies will be real events.
• There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
• The more you plan the luckier you get.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

So bad, they're good....

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I'll get my coat ;)

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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Eh ??

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Well I think its quite funny! I like jokes that arent that obvious.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

---------- Post added at 14:32 ---------- Previous post was at 14:27 ----------

the main proposition of Existentialism is that existence precedes essence, i.e. that a man exists before his existence has value or meaning. Therefore, for JPS to have coffee without something, that something has to exist - there is no cream, so he cannot have the coffee without cream; however, there is milk, so he can (in an existentialist way) have coffee without milk.

I hate having to explain jokes - especially philisophical ones :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A speed cop pulls a guy over for speeding, asks for his licence and says..

"Ah, Mr Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?"

The guy says "No, but I can tell you exactly where I am" lol

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An oldie...

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone ring and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited. The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10-ish."

Sean frowns and replies, "Tennish? But I haven't even got a racket."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

There was a boy who worked in the fresh food section of a supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager.

He walked into the back room and said, "There is some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Wigan, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Wigan?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players up there."

"My wife is from Wigan", exclaimed the manager.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two monkeys in a bath , one said , ooo ooo aaa aaa , the other said put some more cold in then.

Daddy's on the Phone
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The old ones are always the best.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

At a nudist colony for intellectuals, two old men are sitting on a porch. One turns to the other and says: “I say old boy, have you read Marx?” The other says “Yes, it’s these wicker chairs”

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

wah wah wah - itsh the way I tell them!

Good one.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid & the other was eating fireworks.









They charged one & let the other one off.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

*groan*

:p:

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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.


All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.




"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy,

"Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,


THERE'S MORE...

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.


"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


IT'S NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips" And lo they gained 10
pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits



Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that? and Man replied Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... And created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service....

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:rofl:

That was great :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Subject: Brave Men jokes


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??



The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:



"You're next, fatty."



********************************



Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.



Man says: "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a
headache."



Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."



Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."



********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.


He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London.

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you
for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year".



*********************************



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:



2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice,
a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a
250g pack of bacon



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.




She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to
her marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A neutron walked into a bar. Without hesitation the bartender pulled him a beer.

The neutron asked him "How much is that?"

"For you, no charge"



From this website for interesting people - http://www.dullmen.com/home.html

It also has "the dullest website in the world" on it
http://www.geocities.com/dunric/index.html - judge for yourself :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereasFerrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under 6 seconds, but within 60 seconds they had re- sprayed, re- badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella; a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Hahahaaaaa - I love that joke. I was told another version of it by a Welshman years ago. It involved 3 men, who married triplets, trying to enter heaven and encountering St Peter. One man had married Betty, one had married Sherrie and the one who one who had married Fanny wasn't going to stick around to be insulted. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

As Governor of Texas, George Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day.

While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around.

Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?"

Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."

Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

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Has anyone ever successfullly taught themselves to do without lunch?

I know a farmer who said he once taught a horse to do without food alltogether. He said it took a couple of years to teach it.

Unfortunately as soon as he'd taught it successfully to do without food, the horse died. Pity.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Zen Buddist walks up to a hotdog stall & says " Make me One with everything"