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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
After seeing this thread Link
I have just heard the installer was pulled up before his manager and asked to give his account on one of the worse installs the manager had ever seen. The installer said he was aware of much worse installs than this one. The manager said if you can show me a worse one than this I will let you keep your job. The manager was taken around the corner where indeed there was an install much, much worse than the one seen. The manager was dumfounded and asked the installer did he know who did it. Yes said the installer it was me! :D |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!" |
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Please be kind and explain ---------- Post added at 20:30 ---------- Previous post was at 20:28 ---------- Doh just got it thanks to windows calc |
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With the death of Pavarotti the Three Tenors will from now on be called twenty quid!
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Jim. |
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31 in octogon = 25 in decimals. The octogon numbering system goes like this:- 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 30 31 whereas decimals is 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 QED. |
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A lady (returning from holiday in Spain) is sitting in the aircraft (awaiting departure), when a man walks into the cabin along with a Cocker Spaniel dog and sits down next to her.
Lady: Excuse me but I thought animals were not allowed to travel with passengers in the cabin? :erm: Man: That's correct, but this dog is classed as ground crew and allowed to travel with it's handler. :) Lady: So what does it do then? :erm: Man: It's a sniffer dog, trained to search and locate contraband, etc. :) Lady: Really - any chance of a demonstration then? :erm: Man: Yeah ok - can't so any harm. :) The dog is released and promptly runs off for a search. Five minutes later it returns, sits down and places a paw on the man's leg. Lady: What does that mean then? :erm: Man: Looks like he's found someone with a load of tobacco, but that's not a problem. :) Lady: Can he do that again then? :erm: The dog is released again and promptly runs off for a search. Ten minutes later it returns, sits down and places two paws on the man's leg. Lady: What does that mean then? :erm: Man: Looks like he's found someone with a load of drugs, we'll deal with that at the end of the flight. :) Lady: I'm impressed - one more? :erm: Man: Okay last time. :) Again the dog is released and (as before) promptly runs off for a search. Twenty minutes later it returns, pooes in the isle and starts shaking. Lady: Good heavens is that supposed to happen, or does it mean something? :erm: Man: Very serious I'm afraid - looks like he's found a bomb. :o: :Yikes: :Yikes: :Yikes: :Yikes: :Yikes: |
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Even though it is the gambling capital of the World Las Vegas has more churches than casinos but is finding a problem with more and more of the collections made each Sunday are in gaming chips from the Casinos.
With the churches unable to spend time going round each casino to exchange the chips they have come up with a solution. They gather all the chips and once a month send them to a Monastery in order to be sorted, exchanged and the resultant money returned to each church. This sorting and exchanging is done by the chip monks. *Gets coat. Apologises profusely. Promises never to make a joke as poor again* |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to £121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." |
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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. |
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CHECK FOR ALZHEIMERS
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person (over 40 years of age) in most cases cannot do it! :erm: 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6. This is a cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is sucker cat. 9. This is busy cat. 10. This is for cat. 11. This is at cat. 12. This is least cat. 13. This is forty cat. 14. This is seconds cat. 15. This is flat cat. Finally to complete the test, go back and very quickly read the third word in each line from the top down to the bottom. Good score...? :D Si thee |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
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