Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Not a joke but it funny.

Theres a cafe in the US that called 'Road Kill Cafe' that will cook all the animals that you've hit.

There moto if 'From your grill to ours.'

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

One for the ladies.......

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a Great
length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£5 ,000 for a male brain, and £200 for
A female brain"
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
Avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more ?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down
the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Another one for the ladies.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad

one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly

neither of them are hurt. ;

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, " So

you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just

look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be

friends and live together in peace for the rest of our

days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you

completely, this must be a sign from God!" ;

The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another

miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of

wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine

and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half

the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back

on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" ;

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the

police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with THEM!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied,"Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked,"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied,"Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad who asked him,"Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied,"No, sir." and tells his father the replies he got.

"Well son" the father replied " Surely it's obvious - potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “You’ve got to help me”, he says “I can’t stop deep-frying things in batter. I get up in the morning and deep-fry my boiled egg. I’ve deep-fried all my clothes and shoes. I’ve even deep-fried my bike and battered the cat! What’s wrong with me?”

“It’s obvious”, replied the psychiatrist, “You're frittering your life away!” :rofl:

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

What do you say to a Chav in a filing cabinet?


Sorted...

[Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone
inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief
they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they
enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want
to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish
will be.

The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again

Re: ugly
 

Thats Nasty!:D

[Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on His face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a
step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' wrecked. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . .
You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Chicken says: "Big deal I only have to cough and the entire planet s**** itself."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. :drunk:

His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance.

"See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it."

"Maybe so," said Murphy........... "But I've got 'em working nights!" :beer:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Subject: Emergency services (KN)



> A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned
> in sick one day.
>
> Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
> dialed the employee's home
> phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
>
> "Hello."
>
> "Is your daddy home?" he asked.
>
> "Yes," whispered the small voice.
>
> "May I talk with him?"
> The child whispered, "No."
>
> Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
> "Is your
> Mommy there?"
>
> "Yes."
> "May I talk with her?"
>
> Again the small voice whispered, "No."
>
> Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
> the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
>
> "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
>
> Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
> the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
>
> "No, he's busy," whispered the child.
>
> "Busy doing what?"
>
> "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
> whispered answer.
>
> Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
> through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
>
> "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
>
> "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
>
> Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
> the helicopter."
>
> Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
> "What are they searching for?"
>
> Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
> giggle......."ME."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Joke Of The Day:
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee: "Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."



Made me smile :shrug: :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the bed watching TV.

1st woman: so what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
.
.
.
.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd both still be alive.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

You'l love this one.....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely .All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious codagain and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

“Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, thee nemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."..................





























"I found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"



:Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

When I was a younger I said I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me.

Now I am one they ain't laughing at me.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,















"I'm just a really bad conductor"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

*groooaaan*

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Gene Pitney won't be getting buried for another few weeks.

The undertaker says it'll take that long to make a coffin from Oak.

Although if the family want to bury him sooner he said he could make one in 24 hours from Balsa.

:tiptoe:

[Merged] Jokes Thread
 

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application

[Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy approached the manager.

"Some old Git wants to buy half a head of lettuce", he said.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added," and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called the boy to his office.

"Although I can't condone the way you referred to that customer earlier,
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We
like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there," the boy
replied.

"Really?" replied the manager "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "What team did she play for?"

The cupboard
 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly.



She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in

there already.



The little boy says, "Dark in here."



The man says, "Yes, it is."



Boy - "I have a football."



Man - "That's nice."



Boy - "Want to buy it?"



Man - "No, thanks."



Boy - "My dad's outside."



Man - "OK, how much?"



Boy - "£2 50"



A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the cupboard together.



Boy - "Dark in here."



Man - "Yes, it is."



Boy - "I have football boots."



The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" !



Boy - "£7 50"



Man - "Sold."



A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and

football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.



The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."



The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"



Boy -"£1,000 ."



The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That

is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church to

make a confession."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession box and he closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here."



The priest says, "Don't start that crap again. You're in my

cupboard now"

Re: Quick wit
 

:rofl:

Re: Quick wit
 

lol
He sure knows how to get out of sticky situations.

Re: Quick wit
 

:rofl: indeed

Re: Quick wit
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Argh - I just got merged with the supermarket joke.

What a surreal experiance

[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
he can, with love and compassion.






After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.






Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into

whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink!"






The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!!

Two arms pop out.






The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.






By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop
out. The bar is in chaos.






The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.






The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


*


*


*


*


(Wait for it)


*


*


*


*


(It's coming)


*


*


*


*


(Ya ready?)


*


*


*


*


(Don't hate me)


*


*


*


*


(Ya gonna hate me)


*


*


*


*


(Take a deep breath)


*


*


*


*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How old is that:D :D :D Still a good un though.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

"Two Birds" Prescott admits affair †“ wife and mistress both 'crushed'

John Prescott has got one over on his cabinet colleagues, David Blunkett and the late Robin Cook, by getting his leg over with one of his secretaries. Tracey Temple, 43, was a diary manager at the ODPM and is now recuperating in hospital after sustaining crush injuries. The alleged politician †“ who loves to have two of everything - admitted to the affair today, just after breakfast and slightly before elevenses: "It's true," said the hulking northerner, "and yes, I'm just as surprised as you are that I managed it."

Prescott, whose name features as the answer in Trivial Pursuit to the question 'who ate all the pies', is believed to have started the affair with Miss Temple at a Christmas party as he waited impatiently for the food to arrive. "He told me he was famished," said the former mistress, "and then he asked me to go and hurry the caterers along. When I did this for him he must have taken a shine to me and it just took off from there. I suppose he just associated me with a large buffet."

Although the affair was reportedly common knowledge, it is believed that only the two protagonists themselves, and a large winching firm employed by Mr Prescott, had any idea what was really going on.

The deputy, back-up, stand-in prime minister is no stranger to controversy. In 2002 he was involved in a fracas with several Greenpeace activists on Brighton beach who mistakenly believed he was a beached whale. The activists began throwing water over Prescott, hoping to keep him cool until he could be returned to the sea. Instead, Two Jags lost his cool and began punching the do-gooders until they ran away.

"I've discussed this with my wife and we just want to be left alone so please don't come to my house," pleaded Prezza, "unless, of course, you're the pizza delivery boy."

:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:rofl:

New twist on a classic there...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What do John Prescott and an MFI flatpack have in common?













A few screws in the wrong place and the whole f****** cabinet falls apart!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:LOL: have a greeny

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Apologies in advance for the following joke, which some will undoubtedly consider in poor taste, but here goes anyway...

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me screwed. Who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies, "Well, you could try Paul McCartney!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Russian oil baron.......


Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.

---------- Post added at 21:05 ---------- Previous post was at 21:02 ----------

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures. :D

---------- Post added at 21:07 ---------- Previous post was at 21:05 ----------

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Great jokes there :D Especially loving the 1st :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Daddy Calling Home
((RING))))
((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
** Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
**Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??


---------- Post added at 14:26 ---------- Previous post was at 13:20 ----------

Strictly speaking this should go in the funny pictures thread but....

https://www.cableforum.co.uk/images/...2006/05/22.jpg

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An extract taken from a Court of Law.......

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure ?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing ?
A: No.
Q: So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?
A: No
Q: How can you be sure, Doctor ?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless ?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:

overtaking in dangerous places;
hovering within one inch of the car in front;
stopping sharply;
speeding in residential areas;
pulling out without indication;
performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets;
under taking on motorways and
taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads.

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Northern medical terms

---------- Post added at 14:29 ---------- Previous post was at 14:21 ----------

The Meaning of Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
lifespan."


The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" and
God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a lifespan of sixty years."


The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And
God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

---------- Post added at 14:41 ---------- Previous post was at 14:29 ----------

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit
the pillows when the old man f *rts and says, "One nil."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
Theoldman replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says,"Penalty- 2-1."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,
"Penalty - 2-2."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten bya woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail.
Realising adefeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, andaccidentally he craps in the bed.
The wife says, What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, change sides"

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

The funniest joke ever is:

"What's red and sits in a corner?"




"A naughty Fire Engine!"

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

nah! it is 'what is brown & sticky?'






"A stick" :)

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

You see that is a a better joke.

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

I lol'd at that one :D

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

... freak

:p:

I laugh at nug's puns.

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

YEah, Nug's puns are bad at times though... Still, funny :D

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

I washed my Cat the other day, Took me Ages to get the Fur off of my Tongue. :D

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

Oh god... They get worse...

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

I took my car in for a service...

...and the vicar said "You can't bring that in here!"

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

Why can't geoffrey drive a tractor??




































Because he's an orange

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

:nutter: Is it only me who doesn't get that?

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

Q: When it goes dark at night, where does the light go?








































A: Have a look in the fridge ;)

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

Hahahhaah :D :D

It's true, but why does it go into the cold? I don't get it...

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

A man calls the hospital. He says, "You got to send help! My wife's going into labour!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! Its her second, she had problems with the first thats why you have to come quick."








oh wait........

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

Dunno, having a rest I suppose :shrug:

Re: Worlds best joke??
 

I might pluck up the courage to ask it one day... :p

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

There's an Aussie radio station, and the presenters asked for people to ring in with words they use everyday, but that aren't in the dictionary.

So he takes the first call.

(read following aloud in aussie accent, ignoring requests from relatives to stop)

Presenter: Hello mate, your our first caller, how are ya?

Caller: Ahh I'm fine mate

Presenter: Well what everyday word have you got for us mate?

Caller: Well, it's gaan

Presenter: Gaan? that's not a word, how'd you use that mate?

Call: Well, like this; alrite mate, gaan f**k yourself

Presenter: that's not nice mate, you're gonna have to go. Right let's get the next caller on.

Hello mate, your our second caller, what word have you got for us?

Caller: Alrite mate, its shmee

Presenter: Shmee?? Now I've never heard that before, how'd you use that??

Caller: Shmee ahain, gaan f**k yourself!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A bloke wakes up from an aneasthetic still got oxygen mask on then a nurse comes round to give him a quick freshen up, he says to her "are my testicals black"
She replies "I'm just hear to wash you"
He says again "are my testicles black"
She says "hold on i'll have a look"
So she pulls back the sheets yanks up his d**k, and cups his balls in her hands and wobbles them about a bit, and says "no they look ok"
At this point he takes off his mask and says "Ok thats all very nice thanks but are my test results back" :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Haha, heard it before and still its good :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says,

"Right Sven, this is for a £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.

I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win ÃÃâ€*’Æâ€℠¢*ÃÃâ€*’â€Ã⠀¦Ã‚¡ÃƒÆ’‚£ 1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger.

Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won ÃÃâ€*’Æâ€℠¢*ÃÃâ€*’â€Ã⠀¦Ã‚¡ÃƒÆ’‚£ 1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder!
But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........



... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I support England in the world cup and hope they do well,but this made me laugh..... :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Shamlessly stolen from Tam Cowan in todays Daily Record.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock moves forward a minute God knows they have done something wrong."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person makes a stupid comment, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Ian Wright's clock. We decided to use it as a fan"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Already posted at
http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...een#post762193

and

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...een#post758039

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BESC (Bombay Electric Supply Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?”
“Yes…… speaking”
BESC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the BESC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files …… HOW ?????”
“Yes …………. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue”
“GOD !!!!!!……… this is too much……….”
“Madam, I am sorry…… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue”
“I know that ……. let me talk to my husband about this tonight. …. he will speak to your company tomorrow ”
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to BESC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at BESC, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? and if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A forwarded Email ;)

TAKE NOTE OF THE LAST SENTENcE)

A Jobless man applied for the position of "office boy"
at Microsoft.
The
HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning
the floor as a
test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail
address and
I'll
send you the application to fill in, as well as date
when you may
start.

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither
an email". "I'm
sorry", said the HR manager. If you don't have an
email, that means
you
do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the
job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what
to do, with only
10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the
supermarket and buy a
10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door
to door round.
In
less than two hours, he succeeded to double his
capital. He repeated
the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and
started to go
everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money
doubled or tripled
every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck,
and then he had
his
own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food
retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to
have a life
insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a
protection
plan.

When the conversation was concluded the broker asked
him his email.
The
man replied, "I don't have an email." The broker
answered curiously,
"You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to
build an empire.
Can you imagine what you could have been if you had
an e mail?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be
an office boy at
Microsoft!"

Moral of the story
M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.
M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you
can be a
millionaire.
M3- If you received this message by email, you are
closer to being an
office boy/girl, than a millionaire...

P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I am
closing my email &
going to sell tomatoes!!!

---------- Post added at 08:42 ---------- Previous post was at 08:35 ----------

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
a. If a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on
longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone.Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Kleenex box. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed
the definition of each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next !"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY


Dear Diary,



For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the


dear) purchased a week of personal training at the


local health club for me. Although I am still in


great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I


decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


Called the club and made my reservation with a


personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified


herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and Model


for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed


pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club


encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out


of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at


the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She


was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair,


dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo


Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the


machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the


treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so


fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in


her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the


skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics


class after my workout today. Very inspiring,


Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,


although my gut was already aching from holding it


in the whole time she was around. This is going to


be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I


finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie


on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,


and then she put weights on it! My legs were a


little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full


mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all


worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for


me.


WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by


laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving


my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a


hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as


I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a


GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient


with me, insisting that my screams bothered other


club members. Her voice is a little too perky that


early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets


this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest


hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me


on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone


invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered


obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help


me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other


**** too.


THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her


vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were

pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help


being a half an hour late; it took me that long to


tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with


dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid


in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then,


as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which


I sank.


FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any


human being has ever hated any other human being in


the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic


little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body


I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat


her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps


I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want


dents in the floor, don't hand me the F***NG


Barbells or anything that weighs more than a


sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on


a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have


been someone softer, like the drama coach or the


choir director?


SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering


machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why


I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me


want to smash the machine with my planner. However,


I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and


ended up catching eleven straight hours of the


Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for


services today so I can go and thank GOD that this


week is over. I will also pray that next year, my


wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is


fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Read ALL the numbers...slowly!! Be careful you don't miss any
1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10


11


12


13


14


15


16


17


18


19


20


21


22


23


24


25


26


27


28


29


30


VERY GOOD !!

Now, tomorrow we'll do A B C

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

:knock:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football
shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter
and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round
the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt
in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would
like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the
head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would
like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the
head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says,
"Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German *******s"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Twofer

1)









A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

The Pope
 

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light) the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.

I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a wink and a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
Remember, he's a German Pope.)

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

So bust him," says the Chief.

I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?”

And God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”

And God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God ... can I have a penny?”

And God said, “Sure ... In a minute.”

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A reporter is interviewing sir paul mcCartney about his divorce and asks him
" Well Paul, When the divorce is over do you ever think you`ll go down on one knee again?"
Sir paul relies " I would but i`d prefer it if you called her Heather"

:D

---------- Post added at 18:26 ---------- Previous post was at 18:24 ----------

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair,
he had his first meeting with a demon. The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead,
remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The Devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The Devil said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

---------- Post added at 18:27 ---------- Previous post was at 18:26 ----------

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
I'll give you a £100 if you let me have you!" But the girl said "NO!"
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for £200, then pick up the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.


She replied, "The ******* used one pence coins!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Ronaldo (to Burger King waiter): “Two Whoppers please”
Waiter: “OK, ‘you’re not fat’ and ‘you’ve still got it’!!! ”

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

deleted

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The
shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting
Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to
make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to
enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to
the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is
taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked
a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin
with mice. On arrival the tried to blow up the airport because of
Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed
them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to
then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is
placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.


A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000 ,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for
law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man walked into the ladies department of a M&S and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the assistant. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

































Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're ****ed.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

IN-FLIGHT SERVICE

A passenger boards his plane and is promptly shown to his seat, where
he is given a drink and some snacks.

As he settles down for the flight, he hears this voice saying to him,
"Man, you're looking GOOD today!" Startled, but not displeased the man
looks around to see who said it - howver, the seats beside him are
empty and the stewardess was nowhere to be seen - so thinking it was
meant for somebody else, he settles back down and starts reading the
in-flight magazine.

A few minutes later, he hears the voice again, "Wow, did anyone ever
tell you you could pass for a movie star!" The man is again surprised,
and looks round again, but cannot see anybody who would have said it,
so settles back into reading his magazine, muttering to himself "Must
be somebody else."

"No, I mean you handsome," the voice says to him. Now the man is
worried, and calls the stewardess over.

"I'm sorry Miss," he explains, "But I need a stiff drink - I keep
hearing this voice telling me how good I look."

"Ah," she says, "that'll be the complimentary peanuts."

:disturbd:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An old one (so old that the company doesn't exist any more!) but a good one...

Stewardess: "Thank you for flying TransWorld Airways. Would you like some of our TWA coffee?"

Passenger: "No, but I'd love some of your TWA tea...." :naughty:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor and complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking at himself in the mirror. "I'm not suprised," replies the doctor. "You're a c***!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Very good, love the avatar btw :tu:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

This is creepy. I have tried this lots of times & it's always right.

http://milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Alan.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Good stuff! :D

Make me feel like a woman ....
 

(not me btw) powerpoint or a viewer needed

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Not having a pop at you Zingle mate... But this Powerpoint jokes p**s me off... Why not just type the damn thing as text?!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

But you'd miss out on that lovely young lady...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I didnt compose it feel free to type it out dude I dont mind ;) :PP:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Got sent this earlier today...
:rofl:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a
thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you
and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on
his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you
leave each day and blows him back up!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An English teacher says to her pupils "there are two words I do not allow in my classroom. One is gross and the other is cool" From the back of the room, a voice calls out "so what are the two words?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread