Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Got sent this by (an obviously well-raised) girl ;) Some of it is old but some are new and very funny...

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics



Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

• Weightlifting commentator: †œThis is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
• Dressage commentator: †œThis is a really lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�
• Paul Hamm, Gymnast: †œI owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and farther.ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
• Boxing Analyst: †œSure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
• Softball Announcer: †œIf history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
• Basketball analyst: †œHe dribbles a lot and the opposition doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
• At the rowing medal ceremony: †œAh, isnââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�
• Soccer commentator: †œJulian Dicks is everywhere. Itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s like theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve got eleven Dicks on the field.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
• Tennis Commentator: †œOne of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses themââ‚ ¬Ã‚¦Oh my God, what have I just said?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

There was also the comment about Alberto Juantorena, the famous Cuban runner:

"...as he opens his legs and shows his class..."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal



The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.



1. †œNow doctor, isnââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know about it until the next morning?ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



2. †œThe youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



3. †œWere you present when your picture was taken?ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



4. †œWere you alone or by yourself?â₠¬Â�



5. †œWas it you our your younger brother who was killed in the war?â₠¬Ã‚Â�



6. †œDid he kill you?â₠¬Ã‚Â�



7. †œHow far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



8. †œYou were there until the time you left, is that true?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�



9. †œHow many times have you committed suicide?ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



10. Q: †œSo the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?â₠¬Ã‚Â�

A: †œYes.âà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ �

Q: †œAnd what were you doing at the time?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�



11. Q: †œShe had three children, right?ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

A: †œYes.âà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ �

Q: †œHow many were boys?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

A: †œNone.â € �

Q: †œHow many were girls?ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



12. Q: †œYou say the stairs went down to the basement?â₠¬Â�

A: †œYes.âà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ �

Q: †œAnd these stairs, did they go up also?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�



13. Q: †œMr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t you?â₠¬Ã‚Â�

A: †œI went to Europe, Sir.â₠¬Ã‚Â�

Q: †œAnd you took your new wife?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�



14. Q: †œHow was your first marriage terminated?ââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

A: †œBy death.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

Q: †œAnd by whoââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s death was it terminated?âââ€Å ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�



15. Q: Can you describe the individual?ââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

A: †œHe was about medium height and had a beard.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

Q: †œWas this a male, or a female?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�



16. Q: †œIs your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?â₠¬Â�

A: †œNo, this is how I dress when I go to work.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�



17. Q: †œDoctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

A: †œAll my autopsies are preformed on dead people.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�



18. Q: †œAll your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

A: †œOral.â € �



19. Q: †œDo you recall the time you examined the body?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

A: †œAnd Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Q: †œNo, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



20. Q: †œYou were not shot in the fracas?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

A: †œNo, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



21. Q: †œAre you qualified to give a urine sample?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

A: †œI have been since early childhood.ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�



22. Q: †œDoctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

Q: †œDid you check for blood pressure?â₠¬Â�

A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

Q: †œDid you check for breathing?ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

Q: †œSo, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

Q: †œHow can you be sure, doctor?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

A: †œBecause his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.â₠¬Ã‚Â�

Q: †œBut could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?â↚¬ÂÂ�

A: †œIt is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I'll get my coat ready

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why did the ant stop climbing up the elephant's leg?

It got p***ed off...

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

What the diffetence between a Durex & a coffin?

ONE you come in one you go in.
----------------------------------
What do Durex & coffins have in common?

Both have stiffs in
---------------------------------------
Why did the Durex fly across the room?

It was p***ed off.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A bald dog get onto a bus in Liverpool and goes straight to the back of the bus and sits down.

The bus driver shouts "Hey, wheres your fur mate?"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

woke up this morning thinking i had that bird flu........................i just felt a little peckish

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

http://www.forumup.org/images/smiles...groupsmile.gif

:D :rofl:Nice 1st post!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

thank you very much :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why couldnt the 11yr old boy get into the Pirate Movie?

Because it was rated arrrrr

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The Football Association, which is building the new Wembley Stadium has announced a five-year sponsorship deal with Microsoft. It is believed to be worth £5m.

The new Wembley Stadium opens next year around the same time as Windows Vista. It is, of course, well known for being notoriously late, over budget and subject to much wrangling over the design. The new Wembley Stadium has had its problems too.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when the first one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condoms, and put the cigarette butts in, roll it up and dispose of it later.;
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at the chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'What can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
the pharmacist was truley flabbergasted by this time was almost afraid to ask more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certian, perhaps you could recommend a good size for Camel?':Yikes:


(FYI CAmel is a brand of cigarette)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Politically incorrect but so true!!!



Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, green, and I pink
it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.

:D :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

<scroll down>



















"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why can't these foreigners learn English...?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article...854900,00.html

:D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why don't men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Here are some joke applications (same my have been posted here)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

enjoy

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

American thoughts for the day...

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America???

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The OBGYN Story


For all those who tend to be humiliated at the OB-GYN office... (Gynecologist)

A Melbourne, Florida, radio station paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300!!

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a phone call from his office. I had been rescheduled for 9:30 a.m. that morning.

I had just packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t have any time to spare.

As most women do, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in †œthat areaââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car, and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from there. I was a little surprised when he said †œmy...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, havenââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t we?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� But I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t respond.

The appointment was over. I heaved a sigh of relief, and went home. The rest of the day went normally-some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc.


At 8:30 that evening, my 14 year old daughter was getting ready to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, †œMom, whereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s my washcloth?ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, †œNo! I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it!!â₠¬Ã‚Â�

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

BBC Delivery Blunder



It seems that the BBC are not immune to the occasional blunder, as this recent true story shows.

Someone in London recently sent an urgent video tape via courier which duly arrived in the post room at the BBC Bristol office. Upon arrival of the package, one of the post room staff noticed that the label was peeling off and so decided to replace it with a new one. He peeled it off and stuck it on the fridge next to his desk, ready to copy the address down after lunch.

The next morning the sender of the tape was surprised to find the following message on his voicemail:

"First saved message: message received yesterday at 9.20am."

"Hi Paul, this is Beth. We have an emergency. Apparently you gave the courier a six-foot fridge to be delivered to BBC Bristol instead of the tape we need in the studio today. Could you call me on 0117-xxx-xxxx as soon as you get this message? Bye."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
"Age?" Peter asks.
"24" the little scouser replied.
"Where did you live?"
"Well, um, Liverpool"
"Were you blue or were you red" asked St. Peter.
"Red till I died" replied the scouser.
"Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little *****!"
"But but I have done good things."
"Like what?"
"Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I gave a tenner to the heart foundation!"
"Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God."
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god who is wearing a united shirt.
"Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have come up with a solution" God said.
"What is it?" asked the scouser.
"Well, here is your thirty quid now p*ss off!"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Did you read David Blunketts resignation statement?

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man is driving through the Welsh mountains when he is stopped by a policeman for speeding. †œI was only doing 40 miles per hour, officerââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� he says. †œThatâà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€ žÂ¢s all very well,ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� says the policeman †œbut what if mister fog comes down?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� †œWellâà ƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ �, says the driver sarcastically, †œIf Mister Fog comes down; Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ll take Mister Foot off Mister Accelerator and put it on Mister Brakeââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�
†œNo sirââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�, says the policeman, †œI said what if mist or fog comes down?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange :

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Tired of constant media coverage asking "Is Osama is still alive?" Bin Ladin decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one at the FBI could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. They were equally puzzled as to its meaning so eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.
Within a minute MI6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

LOL

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Thats actually very good!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Alan Davies actually told that one on QI about three weeks ago :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Two Welsh hill farmers were chatting when, in the distance, they saw a walker bend down, cup his hand, scoop up water from a stream and drink it.

†œPeidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddo (donââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t drink the water, the sheep have been pi**ing in it)ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� shouted one of the farmers, but the man took another handful and drank.

†œPeidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddoââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�, shouted the farmer louder, but the man carried on drinking.

So the farmer ran down to the man and said again: †œPeidiwch yfed y dwr. Mae'r defaid wedi pisio ynddoââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

†œI say old boyââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� said the walker †œI canââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t understand a blo*dy word youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re saying. Donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you speak English around here?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

The farmer said †œYes, I was just saying that if you use your other hand as well, youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll get more in, see!ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Q) What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

A) Phillipe Phloppe

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They notice a sign
for a place called Betws-y-Coed and decide to head there for something
to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of
the town's name.

They stop for lunch and as they stand at the counter, one tourist asks
the girl, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for
us?"

The girl nods.

"Would you please pronounce where we are............ very slowly?"








The girl leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrrrrrr
Kinnnnnnnnngggggg."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

LOL Nice one !

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:rofl: :D very good

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Strange, she could hear the doctor but not her farts. :scratch:

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man goes into the doctors and complains that he is always farting. The man lets a few off to show the doctor how bad it it.

The doctor agrees that its bad and then tells the man to lie down on a bed in the room. He then goes to the corner of the room and gets out a six foot long stick with a metal hook on the end of it.

The man gets worried and asks "Geez doctor, what are you going to do?"

"Well" replies the doctor "First of all I'm going to open a few windows"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Well i hope this has not been posted before


A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice," I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium," has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons." Since it has no electrons, Administratium, is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

.....Mummy Mummy, Do they put up Christmas decorations in Vietnam?
Not usually. But I hear they might be hanging glitter this year!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Beat me to it LOL

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Subject: Inner peace
Dear all
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off; a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel. Pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body"
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

That one was done here ;)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

On Friday the 13th, no wonder I missed it.;)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

That really did happen (to my anatomy lecturer-when she was at medical school) but it was a bowl of urine that the fingers were dipped into. The students were asked for their observations.......they gave various descriptions regarding taste, temperature, colour :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The guitarist Jimi Hendrix is a legend, what a lot of people didn't know about him was that he was actually dyslexic.
When Hendrix died in 1970, it was reported by the North American dyslexic society that Hendrix choked on his own vimto.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

They dont hang them, its death by firing squad. So at least he'll get another Hit!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 quid and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,

"Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


* * * * * *

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.

He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.

Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised: "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

* * * * * *

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you"?

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. Jesus is watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus!"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his
daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the
king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
And the prince went away sadly. :-[

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds were the hardest substance in the world and
would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed. :-[

The third prince approached.
He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there"
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not
melt!!!
:-}

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived
happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
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M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?? :erm:

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Chav Nativity........

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're
wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about
to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another
message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees.
You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you
think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's
safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
into Stella.

:rolleyes:

---------- Post added at 23:23 ---------- Previous post was at 23:08 ----------

A Scouser walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE being on benefit, I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,00 0 a
year. Interested"?
The Scouser says, "You're bullshi!!in' me!"
Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"AND..." pried the doctor.

"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

im shocked at your interpretation

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Little Joe, from inner Birmingham, was on a trip to the country to see his uncle John who lived on a farm.

Little Joe was watching some animals in a field and asked uncle John "Why do some cows have horns and some cows have no horns?"

"Well" said uncle John "Some cattle are bred not to have horns, some are born with horns and some have their horns cut off when they are young".

"What about that one?" asked little Joe.

"The reason that one does not have horns" replied the farmer "is because it is a horse".

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?











To goto the second-hand shop.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A 70 yr. old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check.

She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,

"Well that's great......just great.....Some a**hole's got my pen"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has
happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,inspector", says
the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the
smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the
coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal,
30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires
the Inspector. "Thought he was having his photo taken."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

When I die I want to die in my sleep like my grandad, Not this his passengers screaming and shouting in his bus

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

<deleted>

must remember to use the search function before posting

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man on his deathbed and calls his wife over. 'Honey' he says 'When I die, will you please marry that engineer from NTL.'

His wife said 'But I thought you hated that engineer from NTL'.

The man replied 'I do'.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

It has been confimed by the police that George Best was not buried in Northern Ireland. They have also said that having his cremation in Hemel Hemstead may have been a mistake

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The BBC have censored their initial reports into the Hemel fire which showed the arrival of firemen on the scene.
Apparently and old green goddess raced into the site before any other fire engines were ready.
Media crews were amazed to see the crew of geriatrics quickly jump out and tackle the fire immediately around them before getting back onto the aging appliance and retreating to the main road.
When told they were heros and asked what they would do next, John Bromfield, in charge of the appliace replied "get those damn brakes fixed!"

[merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

[Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

At dawn the telephone rings.


"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."



SILENCE...................





"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A bloke joint a silent order of monks, that are only aloud to speak every 7 years.
He goes about his silent duties for the next 7 years.

After 7 seven years he is asked how are things, 'not bad' he replys 'the only thing is that its cold in my room, could I have another blanket.' 'Sure, you only have to ask' came the reply.

After another 7 years he is ask how he is gettiong on 'ok' he says 'but my pillow is too low could I have another.' 'Sure, you only have to ask' came the reply.

7 years later he is asked how are things 'well' he said ' I've been thing about leaving for sometime.'

the cheif monk said 'well you might as well you've done nothing but moan since you've got here.'

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Behind every great man is a great woman...and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The best blonde joke ever.

http://images.chatshow.net/celebs/an...ombe_large.jpg

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

You leave Emporer Palpatine out of this ;)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

If you watch countdown NOW AW is on there and she is wearing the exact same outfit.

SPOOKY

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The best blonde joke ever :)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Or worst link ever.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The best joke ever

PETE BURNS

I'ld get a refund if I was him (shudder)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

If god didn't want people to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
Oxnard,CA-July 07,2004-Research scientists at Oxnard UNC Medical Center have proven that plants, including vegetables, feel pain when subjected to trauma such as being yanked out of the ground, peeled, cooked, and eaten. "Veggies and plants initiate a massive hormone and chemical barrage internally when they suffer any kind of injury," says professor Harry Simeon. "This response is akin to the nerve response and endorphin release when an animal is injured. We cannot ignore the similarities." When Baker asked professor Simeon and his research team what they thought this finding might mean, they responded unanimously, "Nobel prize, baby!"

Other agencies and the sum total of the world's hard-core vegetarians (known as vegans) registered formal complaints against the research. Their team of lawyers has already submitted a motion to have the results of the research destroyed or sealed. Others fear the damage has already been done. A spokesman said, "This is bad for us. Most of our members haven't eaten anything since hearing about the results. Our lawyers are looking into suing Mother Earth for false advertising, but concede that the suit will probably be inconclusive. In the meantime we'll be surviving on vitamin supplements and water."

:D

---------- Post added at 14:34 ---------- Previous post was at 14:27 ----------

There are many correct ways to answer a test question

R.L. Loeffelbein A physics teacher at Washington University in St. Louis was about to give a student a zero for the student's answer to an examination problem. The student claimed he should receive a perfect score, if the system were not so set up against the student. Instructor and student agreed to submit to an impartial arbiter, Dr. Alexander Calandra, who tells the story.

The examination problem was: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."

The student's answer was, "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, and lower the barometer to the ground. Then, bring it back up, measuring the length of the rope and barometer. The lengths of the two together is the height of the building."

I, as arbiter, pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had answered the problem completely and correctly. On the other hand, of course, full credit would contribute to a high grade for the student in his physics course, and a high grade is supposed to certify that the student knows some physics, a fact that his answer had not confirmed. So it was suggested that the student have another try at answering the problem.

He was given six minutes to answer it, with the warning this time that the answer should indicate some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. Asked if he wished to give up, he said no, that he had several answers and he was just trying to think which would be the best. In the next minute he dashed off this answer. "Take the barometer to the top of the building. Lean over the edge of the roof, drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula S=½at2, calculate the height of the building. At this point, I asked my colleague if he gave up and he conceded. The student got nearly full credit.

Recalling that the student had said he had other answers, I asked him what they were. "Well," he said, "you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and length of the building's shadow, then use simple proportion to determine the height of the building. And there is a very basic measurement method you might like. You take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb, you mark off lengths of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks to get the height of the building in barometer units.

"Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of 'g.' The height of the building can, in principle, be calculated from this.

"And," he concluded, "if you don't limit me to physics solutions, you can take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When he answers, you say, 'Mr. Superintendent, I have here a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will give you this barometer.'"

Finally, he admitted that he even knew the correct textbook answer -- measuring the air pressure at the bottom and top of the building and applying the appropriate formula illustrating that pressure reduces as height increases -- but that he was so fed up with college instructors trying to teach him how to think instead of showing the structure of the subject matter, that he had decided to rebel.

For my part, I seriously considered changing my grade to unequivocal full credit.

:D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the Canadian kid." :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Whats ET short for?
.
.
.
.
.
Cause he's got little legs

It made me laugh when I heard it on Saturday

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

It's too long to post here in it's entirety so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
The six circles of hangover hell ....see which one you have reached :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

One for Russ! :D

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "GBP10,000 per call". The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for GBP10,000 you could talk to God.
The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for GBP10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Englishman.
He then travelled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "GBP10,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same telephone.
He arrived in Cardiff, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40p per call."
The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was GBP10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call".

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet to be neutered. "Is it a tom?" asks the vet. "Nay lad, it's in't box" he replies.

A Glaswegian goes into a cake shop and says to the assistant “Excuse me, is that a macaroon or a meringue?” “No” she says “you’re right, it is a macaroon”

---------- Post added at 16:51 ---------- Previous post was at 15:34 ----------

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.


Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!


Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Whats yellow and sponges?























A yellow sponge.

Some jokes about 3
 

Financial Peril
---------------
The following question appeared in the 2005 Industrial Economics examination paper at the London School of Economics:

Question 14a
The population of these unfortunate creatures is decimated around Thanksgiving every year. What are they?

The markers were advised to award full marks if the student mentioned turkeys or Hutchison 3G employees in their answer.

---------- Post added at 00:34 ---------- Previous post was at 00:33 ----------

Frugalis Extremis
-----------------
Two engineers from 3UK needed to attend a 3G conference but the company was broke and could only afford one air ticket.
The engineer boarded the aircraft and, with help from a stewardess, managed to get his large, lumpy suitcase into the overhead locker. "Do you always travel with such heavy luggage?" the stewardess enquired.
"This is the last time," he grumbled. "On the return journey my colleague will carry the suitcase."

---------- Post added at 00:34 ---------- Previous post was at 00:34 ----------

More Retrenchments
------------------
A 3G telco was going downhill and they were forced to act. The CTO received his orders and dutifully carried them out. Then a week later he was told the CEO wanted to see him.
"Please explain," demanded the CEO. "There are as many people in the office today as when I told you to reduce your staff."
"Reduce my staff? When you said we all needed crew cuts I thought . . ."

---------- Post added at 00:35 ---------- Previous post was at 00:34 ----------

IPO Briefing
------------
3 held an information session in the City to spruik enthusiasm amongst institutional investors for the proposed 3UK share float. They hired an auditorium in the same function centre where a wizards' convention was being held and, due to an unfortunate mix-up, a magic microphone was installed in the wrong auditorium. The microphone was unusual in that if anyone spoke a lie into it, that person would disappear.
The Master of Ceremonies greeted the audience. He thanked everyone for attending and introduced the first speaker, the CTO.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Technical Officer. It's no secret that we've had some serious problems with our network and IT systems. But I think we are finally getting on top of them." POOF! He disappeared.
The audience was shocked but the MC was an old pro, he remained calm and professional and introduced the second speaker.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Financial Officer. It's no secret that our business model was deeply flawed and we've been losing an awful lot of money. But I think we've turned the corner and we'll be a viable business soon." POOF! He disappeared.
The audience gasped with alarm but the MC didn't falter. He immediately introduced the final speaker.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Executive Officer. I think . . ." POOF! He disappeared.

---------- Post added at 00:36 ---------- Previous post was at 00:35 ----------

Winnie the Psychic
------------------
I am blessed with the gift of seeing the future. My mother was a psychic, as was her mother, and now my reputation is spreading beyond Nigeria. I'm also good at cooking and anagrams.

Although England is far, far away I sense great anguish over the coming 3UK share float. Will it be successful or will the share price plunge to gloomy depths?

Many minds troubling over this question would be at peace if the answer was already known, so I decided to apply my great powers to the problem. First, I wrote the following words on parchment:
"3UK share float"

Then I tore it up, recited a secret incantation and threw the pieces into the air. The pieces fell to the ground and formed a new message. The message was:
"Fate hurls 3 a KO"

This is the answer you've been seeking.

---------- Post added at 00:37 ---------- Previous post was at 00:36 ----------

Hullo Hullo Hullo
-----------------
3UK's CFO was in the CEO's office discussing the corporate accounts.
The Chief Financial Officer says "Yes, it looks very bad. What do you think we should do?"

The CEO says "I think we should commit suicide".

His secretary sitting outside the office overhears this remark and calls the police. The police arrive promptly and burst into the office. They find one executive drinking battery acid, and the other eating fireworks.

The police charged one and let the other one off.

---------- Post added at 00:38 ---------- Previous post was at 00:37 ----------

Workaholic
----------
3's CEO is in his office practicing his golf putting. He opens his cupboard to get out his new putter and notices an antique oil lamp beneath his golf bag and tennis racquets. After retrieving the lamp he gives it a polish and a genie appears who, as usual, grants him three wishes.

"I wish to be on a tropical island by the seaside," says the CEO. Poof! He finds himself on a beach in the Bahamas.

"Oooh, it's nice and hot here," he says. "I wish I had an ice cold drink." Poof!
He finds a pina colada in his hand.

He says, "For my third wish, I wish I never have to work again." Poof! He finds himself back in the UK in his office.

---------- Post added at 00:39 ---------- Previous post was at 00:38 ----------

Nostradamus
------------

Oh my God. Nostradamus has foretold the end of 3UK at the hands of Richard Branson ...

C3Q22
Six days the attack made before the city:
Battle will be given strong and harsh:
Three will surrender it, and to them pardon:
The rest to fire and to bloody slicing and cutting.

C8Q77
The antichrist very soon annihilates the three,
twenty-seven years his war will last.
The unbelievers are dead, captive, exiled;
with blood, human bodies, water and red hail covering the earth.

---------- Post added at 00:40 ---------- Previous post was at 00:39 ----------

The Leprechaun
--------------
"Sold!" said Canning Fok into the telephone.

The next morning the CEO arrives at work and finds a small elf-like creature standing in his office. Before it has a chance to run away the CEO grabs it by the arm. The CEO thinks to himself "I thought leprechauns only existed in jokes. But I know the routine - I only get one wish so I'd better not waste it".

The CEO muses, "This could be my big break. I might finally be able to improve things around here. But where do I start? The mobile phone network isn't working properly, the billing and I.T. systems are a mess, the business plan is failing, the customers are deserting, losses are mounting and the employees are making up jokes about me. A cruel dilemma: so many things to wish for, but only one wish. There must be a way to fix everything..."

Suddenly the CEO exclaims, "I have it!" He turns to the little creature and says, "I wish I was no longer CEO of a dysfunctional company!"

"Your wish is granted," said the new owner of 3, Richard Branson.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I despise 3 as much as anyone else but they were LAME.....

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Two Cows
----------

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

HUTCHISON WHAMPOA ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
One cow dies.
You claim to have twelve cows.

3 UK ECONOMICS
You have two cows but you sell one to cover operating losses.
You force your remaining cow to produce the milk of four cows.
It drops dead and you're forced to rent one of the Indian cows.

3 ITALY ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You claim they're not cows, they're mobile media elephants.

---------- Post added at 00:42 ---------- Previous post was at 00:41 ----------

Seasons Greetings
-----------------
The following message was emailed by Hutchison Whampoa's Chairman, Li Ka-shing, to all Hong Kong-based staff ...

Seasons Greetings. Normally at this time of year we treat our staff to a spectacular fireworks display over Hong Kong Harbour as an expression of our appreciation for your efforts throughout the year. However, we are living in troubled times and it is important that we remember people who are in greater need than ourselves. So this year we have decided to donate the cost of the fireworks display to a worthy cause.

It is a small amount of money but it will make a tremendous difference to the lives of people overseas who are living in dire circumstances. One day perhaps these unfortunate people may be able to stand on their own feet without assistance but today they desperately need our help.

This year our charitable donation will be going to 3UK.

---------- Post added at 00:44 ---------- Previous post was at 00:42 ----------

H3G UK Christmas Party
----------------------

The following message was emailed by 3UK's CEO to all staff ...

Due to the company's deteriorating finances I regret to inform you that there will be no fireworks at this year's Christmas party. I know many of you were looking forward to the fireworks but the money set aside for their purchase has been used to pay an overdue electricity bill.

Rather than dispense with the traditional Christmas fireworks display I've come up with a cost-effective alternative.

Don't do it now for God's sake! But during the Christmas party click on the URL below, and when the black box appears, click your mouse all over the black box.

http://www.maylin.net/Fireworks.html

I hope you enjoy the fireworks, and I pray that 2006 is kinder for the company than the last three years were (if not, we're screwed).

---------- Post added at 00:45 ---------- Previous post was at 00:44 ----------

You're No Dummy
----------------

Canning Fok is in the CEO's office. The CEO complains to Canning, "I don't get any respect around here. Everybody says I don't make any important decisions, that I just obey instructions issued in Hong Kong. They think I'm a puppet, a ventriloquist's dummy".

Canning says, "Don't be silly, no-one thinks you're a dummy. Come on, lets go and have a drink at the pub".

They enter the pub and sit by the bar. The CEO attracts the barman's attention and says, "Two pints of lager please".

The barman turns to Canning and says "Hey that was neat, I didn't even see your lips move".

---------- Post added at 00:46 ---------- Previous post was at 00:45 ----------

Automation
-----------

A 3G telecommunications company, who I cannot name, was losing millions of pounds every week so they hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could reduce costs without having a negative impact on customer service. The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with unnecessary big expenses like salaries.

How? He would create several complex machines that could take over all of the customer care jobs. For example, when a customer walked into one of the new retail outlets a machine would assess the customer's needs by checking their temperature, blood pressure, and so forth. If, say, the machine deemed that the customer needed a new mobile phone service a conveyor belt would transport him/her to a booth where they would be locked in until an application form had been correctly filled in and the contract signed.

The consultant realized that this would be an unsettling experience for customers at first, so he arranged for a pre-recorded voice to be played throughout the process to guide the customer and to reassure them that everything was working properly.

After the new equipment had been installed everything worked as designed until the first customer had been whisked away and locked in a booth. This was when the voice recording said, "This automated system is perfectly safe. Nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . ."

---------- Post added at 00:47 ---------- Previous post was at 00:46 ----------

The Three Marketeers
---------------------

3UK's CEO was angry. 'The uptake of video calling is essential for our survival,' he reminded the marketing men, 'but so far it has been a complete flop and we're facing disaster. Now go out there and do something about it!'

The marketing men had an idea and went to see the Pope. They said, 'We'll give a million pounds to the Church if you agree to change the Bible. Where it now says "Give us this day our daily bread" we'd like it to say "Give us this day our daily video call."'

The Pope was outraged, 'No. I won't tamper with the Word of God!'
'Okay, ten million pounds but that's our final offer.'

The Pope could resist no longer and accepted.

At the next General Council, the Pope announced, 'I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I've made ten million pounds for the Church. The bad news is we've lost the Hovis account.'

---------- Post added at 00:48 ---------- Previous post was at 00:47 ----------

Blind Optimism
--------------

3 and LG have announced a new video phone specifically designed for blind people. The LG-Z880 has a grid of 3,600 pins instead of the usual screen. The pins rise individually from their normal positions to represent a video image that users can "see" with their fingertips.

According to Srini Krishnahardwani, the 3UK's Strategic Affairs Director, speaking from 3UK's Calcutta offices, "0.12 percent of Britain's population is blind which equates to seventy thousand people. We believe this design will allow blind people to participate in the video-calling phenomenon which we are still hopeful will one day sweep the country."

Sanjeev Chakravarthi, the Technical Solutions Director at 3UK, speaking from his Bangalore office said, "Video calls exemplify the 3G experience and Britain's blind people should not be left out. We have been approached by dozens of blind customers who told us they wanted a phone which would work for them. They want to be able to feel the faces of people calling them on their 3G phones."

3UK's Retail Marketing Director, Rajesh Chattopadhyay, speaking from his Mumbai office said, "The widespread adoption of video calling is vital for 3UK's success. So far the numbers of people making video calls is zero but we are confident this will change when our sighted customers realize that blind people can also participate."

The LG-Z880 will be available next month with a retail price of GBP 199.

---------- Post added at 00:49 ---------- Previous post was at 00:48 ----------

Greatest Asset
--------------

3UK's CEO hires a consultancy firm to find out why employee morale is so low. After studying the problem for six months the consultants reveal their findings to 3UK's senior management, "Your employees feel insecure. They doubt that their loyalty to the company is reciprocated and they believe that at any moment they could be fired on a whim. In short, your employees feel they are undervalued whereas, in our opinion, they are your company's greatest asset."

Upon this revelation the CEO's eyes light up, "Our employees are our greatest asset? I say we sell them."

---------- Post added at 00:49 ---------- Previous post was at 00:49 ----------

Lack of Customer Service
------------------------

Some cannibals get hired as computer programmers at 3UK. The CEO, welcoming them, says "You're in the United Kingdom now. You can earn good money here but you can't eat any of the other employees. If you do, your work visas might be revoked and you'll have to return home".

The cannibals aren't happy about this but they promise not to eat any of the other employees.

A few weeks later the CEO returns and says "You're all working very hard and, best of all, you're cheap. I'm very pleased with all of you. However I've come to tell you that our Chief Operating Officer is no longer with us". Worried that company morale will be damaged further by this revelation he asks, "Do any of you have anything to say regarding this matter?"

None of the cannibals express any concerns so, satisfied, he leaves.

After the CEO is safely out of earshot the leader of the cannibals says to the others, †œI don't believe this!! For weeks we've been eating customer service staff so no-one would notice anything, but then one of you idiots has to ruin everything by eating the C.O.O. !!"

---------- Post added at 00:50 ---------- Previous post was at 00:49 ----------

Stress Leave
------------

The company's chronic financial troubles took their toll on 3's CEO and his doctor recommended a week's rest at a psychiatric hospital. After a few days he was much improved. However the following week the firm was phoned and told that, sadly he had suffered a relapse. 'What happened?' asked his secretary. 'Well,' said the nurse, 'we put him to work in the laundry room sorting the coloured items from the whites.' 'Oh my goodness!' cried the secretary, 'you don't mean you asked him to make decisions?'

---------- Post added at 00:51 ---------- Previous post was at 00:50 ----------

Exodus of Senior Management
-----------------------------

Last month 3UK's CEO, COO and CTO were in a meeting room discussing the company's woes when they found an antique oil lamp. They rubbed it and a Genie came out. The Genie said, "I'll grant each of you just one wish".

"Me first! Me first!" said the COO. "I want to get out of here. I want to work somewhere where the customers aren't complaining all the time. I want to be COO of Vodafone". Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" said CTO. "I want to work somewhere with a good network and where the IT systems work properly. I want to be CTO of O2".
Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the Genie said to the CEO.

The CEO said, "I want those two back in the office after lunch".

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

This version is much longer and better :)

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."



MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them :disturbd: :D

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had actually been
thrown it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.







Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule!

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

How did Luke Skywlaker know what Darth Vader bought him for his birthday?





He felt his presents

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A salesman rings the doorbell of a house. The door is opened by a young boy smoking a cigar, holding a glass of brandy with a copy of Playboy under his arm. “Hello, sonny, is your mother in?” asks the salesman.
The boy flicked the ash off his cigar and said “What do you think?”

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly with two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck".

---------- Post added at 19:47 ---------- Previous post was at 19:41 ----------

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

---------- Post added at 19:51 ---------- Previous post was at 19:47 ----------

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b******!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with the same spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ******* b******!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bloke. Every time I asked to borrow
a spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

---------- Post added at 19:53 ---------- Previous post was at 19:51 ----------

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." :disturbd: