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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man.Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "kay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet. |
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Heh, bit rude but funny :D
To continue with the ruder jokes, here's another one... A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Flu and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher." Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious". |
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A Scotsman went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a wellie over his crotch.
The host asked what he was doing and got the reply: "Och, I'm just buggering aboot" :D |
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Please remember the Family Forum audience. A few posts are getting close to the wire.
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Holiday Jokes Pt 2 I FOUND THEM
Did you know that on a pack of Anthony Worrell Thompson sausages it has on the back †œP**** with a forkââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ. A farmer in Devon is standing by his field when a yank pulls up in a car and enquires to how big his farm his, †œ1000 acresÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â said the farm, the yanks repliesââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ it takes me two days to drive across my ranchÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â the farmer replied †œI once had a car like thatââ‚ ¬Ã‚ Theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve just launched Viagra Eye drops, they make you look hard. And John, Jock & Paddy are working on the 50th floor of a building, at lunch the John says if I get Cheese & Onion sandwiches tomorrow Iâ₠™m jumping, the next day he has Cheese & Onion sandwiches and jumps 50 floors to his death. At lunch the next day Jock says if I get Haggis sandwiches tomorrow Iâ₠™m jumping, the next day he has Haggis sandwiches and jumps 50 floors to his death. At lunch the following day Paddy says if I get Potato sandwiches tomorrow Iâ₠™m jumping, the next day he has Potato sandwiches and jumps 50 floors to his death. There fellow workers are talking and saying †œI understand why John & Jock jumped, but Paddy made his own sandwiches. A friend of mine is in hospital suffering from premature ejaculation, his condition is Touch and Go. They got a Chippendales for the over 60â₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s there called the Chipolatas. My granddad was playing bowls and put down a lovely ball. He asked how close is it †œYouâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€ ¾Ã‚¢re a foot in front" the ref shouted back to him, †œWhat did he call meâ₠¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ said my granddad. Iâ₠™m a trainee magician I canââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t take a Rabbit out of a hat, but I can pull a hair out of my bum. JUDGE: (To defendant) Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence DEFENDANT: F*** all JUDGE: (To clerk) What Did he say CLERK: F*** all my Lord JUDGE: Funny Iâ₠™m sure I saw his lips move. |
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A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys :D
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No idea if this has been posted
Communication Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly." That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone .I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his Backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind him and said ... "B-Jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!! |
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this is a rarity........ you telling a funny joke:rofl: |
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(welsh joke):disturbd:
what's the difference between a buffalo and a byson ? A) you can't wash your hands in a buffalo |
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What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head! |
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Don't know if this has been poted before
Keeping watching till the end |
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DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. Iâ₠™m so glad we moved here. I love the snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea Iâ₠™ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry; weâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says weâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll have so much snow by the end of winter that Iâ₠™ll never want to see snow again. I donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t think thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s possible. Bob is such a nice man. Iâ₠™m glad heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s our neighbour. December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8â₠ last night. The temperature dropped to -20°. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but Iâ₠™ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t huff and puff so much. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifeââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s silly. We arenââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t in Alaska, after all. December 16:Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think, was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shouldÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve bought a wood stove, but wonââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t admit it to her. God I hate it when sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s right. I canââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t believe Iâ₠™m freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricityââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s back on, but had another 14â₠¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re too busy playing hockey. I think theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s**t fell today, and itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s so cold it probably wonââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p**s. By the time I got undressed, ****ed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s too busy. I think the a*****e is lying. December 23: Only 2â₠ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she... nuts??? Why didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s damn well lying. December 24: 6â₠ÂÂÂ. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, Iâ₠™ll drag him through the snow by his b***s. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Iâ₠™ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplough. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. S**t I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s an idiot. If I have to watch †œItÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€Š¾Ã‚¢s a Wonderful Lifeââ‚ ¬Ã‚ one more time, Iâ₠™m going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. Sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -50° and the pipes froze, December 28: Warmed up to above -30°. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. Thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that b*****d think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplough driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9â₠ predicted. December 31: Set fire to whatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s left of the house. No more shovelling. January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? |
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wonder who gets the lucky job of cleaning that room then?
work experience boy? :p: |
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I know it's old, but...
My doctor told me my arm was broken in 3 places. I won't be going to those places again... |
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I just got this e-mail
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As so on as she finished her speech,....................................... all the men started clapping their hands....... SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY AND ALSO SEND TO THE FEW MEN WHO'VE GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR AND APPRECIATION OF THE FEMALE SPECIES |
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The Irish daughter, Colleen, had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex,and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. ...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Colleen, what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - you scared me half to death, Girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!" __________________ The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, Iâ₠™m Pastor Fluff." The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish." |
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Ok people i want to wind my wife up, so i need some mother in law jokes please ;)
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Six men attacked my mother-in-law in front of me. My wifeaid "Aren't you going to run for help?" I said "No, six of them should be able to manage...". |
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Fact: My mother-in-law is so huge, she needs planning permission every time she goes to sit down.
Fact: I took my mother-in-law to the beauticians for a face-lift. It cost me £500, and that was just for the estimate. |
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not very PC but just for Marky http://www.motherinlawstories.com/mo...jokes_page.htm :D :D :D
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My mother in law so big sunbathing, the coastguard had to ask her permission to let the tide in.
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Paging Bernard Manning...!
__________________ In the mean time: Bill Gates joins the US Army and is on the firing range. He shoots practically a whole magazine of bullets and doesn't hit the target once. The Sergeant comes up to him and says "What do you think you're doing? You've missed with every shot!" Bill Gates picks up the gun, places his finger over the muzzle and pulls the trigger, blowing the end of his finger off and says: "Well the bullets are coming out of here ok, the problem must be at your end!" :disturbd: |
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My mother-in-law is so fat...
...she needs a boomerang to put her belt on... ...smaller fat people orbit around here... ...she earns a fortune at the beach, selling shade... |
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A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity". "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". In Saying this, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un-f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes home. "In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?" |
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:rofl:
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My other half asked "what on the TV"
"DUST" i replied I sleep on the sofa now |
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This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges
his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gyneacologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" |
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My wife is that ugly, she was once getting changed and forgot to close the curtains
the neigbours closed theres :disturbd: |
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It's not a mother-in-law joke, but...
I was queuing outside a club one night and it started to rain heavily, so I ran back to the car and found an old jacket in the boot, which I wear when I fix the car. It was grubby, but I thought I could just leave it in the cloakroom anyway. So, I get to the door and it appears the week before they had some trouble, and they were searching people. No problem for me, or so I thought. Anyway, in one pocket they found a can of WD40, and in another, a set of jump leads. The doorman looked at me and said: "OK, you can come in... But don't start anything"... I never said it was a good joke!! |
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I wonder what would happen if e.t and mr T had a baby you know I think it would sound a little something like this I pitty the fool who doesn’t phone home.
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Whats the difference between a rabbit running a race and a rabbit telling jokes?...............
One's a fit bunny the others a bit funny! :D Why does a rabbit have a shiny nose?............... Because the powder puff is at the other end! :) Why are rabbits good at maths?....... Because they multiply very quickly! :doh: |
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How do you confuse a idiot?
Seven |
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What did the skunk say when the wind changed?................... It's all coming back to ne now.................;) |
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edit--take a look at her profile pic ;) :D |
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OK, time to divert attention, so I'll post another bad joke:
A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to helping other monks in copying old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscripts. The new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would not be picked up. In fact the error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, †ÂÂÂWe have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He finds him banging his head against the wall and wailing, †ÂÂÂWe forgot the R, we forgot the R.â₠¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, †œWhat is wrong father?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ With a choking voice the old abbot replies,ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂThe word was †˜celebrateâ ۉâ₠žÂ¢.âââ₠¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ |
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I had nothing to do with the "seven" joke!:Yikes: |
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My diversion tactics failed then :( Yes I'm still confused and don't understand the seven joke :( :shrug:
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Some of Life's Important Questions
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? 2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? 3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection? 6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him? 8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? 10 What is the speed of darkness? 11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics? 12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? 13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? 14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? 16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? 17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation? 18 Can you cry under water? 19 What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ? 23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours? 24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway |
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27. How can two single people have an affaire with each other?
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13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? = -8.88 c
is this a quiz? |
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What do you call a skunk with
a banana in one ear, a sponge finger in the other ear and a jelly on it's head?.................. A trifle smelly! :rofl: |
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Why can't you get aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots eat 'em all... (Paracetamol - geddit?)
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OK, here is a really corny joke for anyone that wants a good old cringe.
The top salesman in England for Kawasaki was visiting a customer one day when he had a terrible attack of flatulence. On it's own this was bad enough, but every time the poor chap released a botty burp, the noise that emanated was a loud "HONDA!!!" Over the following weeks it got worse, in spite of him visiting many doctors and specialists. It seems no end of diets, pills, treatment for nerves etc would help, and to make matters worse he would float his air biscuits in the most embarassing of surroundings, but most notably in front of customers. As a last resort he opted for traditional Chinese medicine. The wizened old doctor gave him a good look over, but paid particular attention to his teeth. Eventually, he sent the chap to a dentist, where he had treatment for a badly infected gum. Bemused, the man went home, and after a few days the problem had miraculously disappeared. Amazing!! He tried everything: beans, curry, pickled egges, but from now on the noise was nothing like the name of his company's rival. Full of gratitude, but also curiosity, he returned to the Chinese doctor and asked what had prompted him to recommend a dentist. The old man looked at him and said: "Everyone knows... (Adopt bad Chinese accent) ...abcess makes the fart go HONDA!!" |
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Interesting how this stuff gets past the moderator, and other stuff does not. Its like asking why is Harrow outside London Heathrow is so full of Chinese. Because when they get off the plane and hop in a taxi the first thing they say to the driver is "Harrow!" |
Re: BEST COMEBACK EVAR
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines! |
Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
I heard a good comeback line about a guy who answered the door to the TV licence people. He wouldn't let them in, and kept on denying he had a TV anyway. The licence inspector then pointed out that the man had a TV aerial on his chimney, to which the guy replied: "Yes, and I've got a pint of milk in the fridge, but it doesn't mean I've got a cow in the back garden!"
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Local Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was really good. Then the three men turned to the Local Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Local Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break,do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for compensation, and went home for the rest of the month on sick leave. |
Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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-------------------------------- How do you confuse and Irish man 1. Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner. or 2. Show him a shovel & a spade and tell him to take his pick. |
Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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By the way do you Anglos actually know the difference between a shovel and a spade? |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
I always thought one had a long shaped handle and a heart shaped "digging" part and the other has a shorter handle with a D shaped end and a flattened rectangular "digging" part.
However if you google (images) for shovel or spade you will get both sorts :shrug: |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Isn't it that a shovel has a big blade with curved edges so that when shovelling I.E. coal, it helps keep it on & can shovel more & that a spade has a more rectangular thicker flat blade for digging holes?
And a pick has and irishman on the end of it :) |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 & Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. ______________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support- Homeless. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate additional software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. The downside is that it also comes with a sub-program called Spend It 12.9 that can not be deleted. Watch this program VERY carefully, or you will have to refer to your manual again under2nd Job - Mobile Home - Collecting Cans. Be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. Recommend Flowers 2.1, Vacations 8.4 and Diamonds 5.0 WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 or Babysitter 17.0 These applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and your personal hard drive. Best of luck, Tech Support _________________ |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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... That's a stick with a broom head on one end and an idiot on the other :D |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
What type of key opens any lock
[gets coat ready] A Pie Key (Pikey) __________________ What goes in dry, comes out wet, and satifies two people. A Tea Bag |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
You know what really makes me sick?
About 11 pints and a greasy kebab... |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts. RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements. WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint. MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you. EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness. DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. CAR thieves. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed over the fence into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then an eagle swooped down, grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, †œI hate playing with your Dad.â₠¬Ã‚ |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
( American in a blackpool taxi)
american> what is that? driver> that is the pleasure beach, over 50 years in construction and still building it american> got one in the states twice the size, took only 3 years to build american> what is that? driver> that is the south pier, it was built over 50yrs ago and took years to complete american> got one in the states, took 3 weeks to build and its 3 times bigger american> (looking at blackpool tower) what is that? driver> i'll be buggered if i know it wasnt there this morning :rolleyes: |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Why do woman wear white at their wedding?
Well they need to match the Fridge & Dishwasher:Sprint: __________________ This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too ....) Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. Title. ¨ Mr. ¨ Mrs. ¨ Ms. ¨ Miss ¨ Lt. ¨ Gen. ¨ Comrade ¨ Classified ¨ Other First Name:............................................. ....... Initial:....... Last Name:............................................. ........ Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:............................................. ..... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? ¨ F-14 Tomcat ¨ F-15 Eagle ¨ F-16 Falcon ¨ F-117A Stealth ¨ Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20....... /......./...... 4. Serial Number:..................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: ¨ Received as gift / aid package ¨ Catalogue / showroom ¨ Independent arms broker ¨ Mail order ¨ Discount store ¨ Government surplus ¨ Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: ¨ Heard loud noise, looked up ¨ Store display ¨ Espionage ¨ Recommended by friend / relative / ally ¨ Political lobbying by manufacturer ¨ Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: ¨ Style / appearance ¨ Speed / manoeuvrability ¨ Price / value ¨ Comfort / convenience ¨ Kickback / bribe ¨ Recommended by salesperson ¨ McDonnell Douglas reputation ¨ Advanced Weapons Systems ¨ Backroom politics ¨ Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: ¨ North America ¨ Iraq ¨ Iran ¨ Aircraft carrier ¨ Iraq ¨ Europe ¨ Iraq ¨ Middle East (not Iraq) ¨ Iraq ¨ Africa ¨ Iraq ¨ Asia / Far East ¨ Iraq ¨ Misc. Third World countries ¨ Iraq ¨ Classified ¨ Iraq 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: ¨ Colour TV ¨ VCR ¨ ICBM ¨ Killer Satellite ¨ CD Player ¨ Air-to-Air Missiles ¨ Space Shuttle ¨ Home Computer ¨ Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:) ¨ Communist / Socialist ¨ Terrorist ¨ Crazed ¨ Neutral ¨ Democratic ¨ Dictatorship ¨ Corrupt ¨ Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? ¨ Deficit spending ¨ Cash ¨ Suitcases of cocaine ¨ Oil revenues ¨ Personal cheque ¨ Credit card ¨ Ransom money ¨ Traveller's cheque 12. Your occupation: ¨ Homemaker ¨ Sales / marketing ¨ Revolutionary ¨ Clerical ¨ Mercenary ¨ Tyrant ¨ Middle management ¨ Eccentric billionaire ¨ Defence Minister / General ¨ Retired ¨ Student 13. To help us better understand our customers; please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: ¨ Golf ¨ Boating / sailing ¨ Sabotage ¨ Running / jogging ¨ Propaganda / misinformation ¨ Destabilisation / overthrow ¨ Default on loans ¨ Gardening ¨ Crafts ¨ Black market / smuggling ¨ Collectibles / collections ¨ Watching sports on TV ¨ Wines ¨ Interrogation / torture ¨ Household pets ¨ Crushing rebellions ¨ Espionage / reconnaissance ¨ Fashion clothing ¨ Border disputes ¨ Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
The Early Days of Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: Tech Support: Fire help. Me Groog Lorto: Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. Tech Support: You have tinder? Lorto: Ugh Tech Support: You have flint and stone? Lorto: Ugh Tech Support: You hit them together? Lorto: Ugh Tech Support: What happen? Lorto: Fire not work. Tinder not catch fire. Tech Support: (sigh) Make spark? Lorto: Plenty spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. Tech Support: (sigh) You change rock? Lorto: I change nothing Tech Support: You sure? Lorto: Me make one change. Tinder hot yesterday, so today me soak in stream so not burn Lorto hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire. *Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave* *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM* |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!" 9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. 13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. 17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan. 18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. __________________ Little Known Christmas Fact Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?" And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a
London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up. "You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment." They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without a trace. The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy Angus!" |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Murphy was on a quiz show and the quiz master says
For £1000 pounds Murphy please complete the following song title - "Ole Mcdonald had a ****" Murphy replied "farm" The quiz msater said for £10000 pounds spell it Murphy panicked and said "E I E I O" Murphy opened a pub on the moon but it failed as it had no atmosphere. There were an Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman trying to score a free ticket entry to the Olympics. The Englishman seen a wooden pole lying on the ground and picked it up and walked up to the gate and said "Bentley, England, Pole Vault" and got in The Scotsman seen a man hole cover lying on the ground and picked it up and walked up to the gate and said "Mcgregor, Scotland, Discuss" and got in The Irishman seen a roll of barbed wire lying on the ground and picked it up and walked up to the gate and said "Murphy, Ireland, Fencing" :D Murphy turns to Flanagan and says "I have bad news and good news" So Flanagan says "Whats the bad news" and Murph says "The English have landed on the moon" and Flanagan says "Ok so what is the goodnews" so Murph says "All of them" :D Down on their luck Casey and Murphy are walking through the streets of London and they see a sign in a restaurant window saying "If we cannot serve a meal you ask for we will pay you £100" Casey says to Murphy "Come on lets give it a try" and erring on the side of caution Murphy says "What if they serve us what we order" and Casey replies "Well we can always wash dishes to pay for the meal" They enter the Restaurant and order Elephant Kidneys on toast and 5 minutes later the waiter arrives back at the table and hands over £100 and says "Your in luck we just ran out of bread" :D Finally - Murphy gets called into his sons school and is told by the headmaster "Your son is in a class of his own" Murphy says "Superb I did not know he was doing so well" The Headmaster replies "He is not he smells" :D |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
OK, before any ladies read this, I really DO like blondes, honest!
There is a blonde convention, and 30,000 of them are in a stadium. One lucky blonde is plucked from the crowd to win a million pounds. The compere says: "OK, what is 5 plus 7?" The blonde thinks a wile, and says "23?". The compere looks down, and the crowd all yell "Give her another chance!" So, feeling pity, the compere says "OK, what is 4 plus 5?" Again, she thinks a while, and says "Is it 7?" Again, he looks down, and 30,000 blondes in the stadium all shout "Give her another chance!" Feeling immense pity, but also great smugness, the compere says"OK, last chance, for a million pounds... what is 2 plus 2?" The blonde thinks a while, then says "Is it... 4?" And 30,000 blondes in the stadium all shouted "Give her another chance...!" I'll get my coat... |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy." "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid ! not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens - that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either." |
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Want a Joke head to Currys in Rochdale.
Thats a bloody joke. |
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Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkeson for the first time.
Kate says "so what do you do" he replies "i do top gear" "Really" she says "how much" Di dum tish Thank you i'm here all week Ill' get mi coat |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,00 0 a year". The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!" The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!" __________________ Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered. It later turned out to be a tax disc. |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!" |
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Poor taste 'joke' removed.
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Whats the punchline? |
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Actually, the removed joke as nominated as one of the best ever short jokes. Don't know why its more offensive than any other joke. For example, is making jokes about Kate Moss and crack offensive to people who have lost loved ones to drugs?
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
This is something that actually happened recently in the vets.
I arrived at the vets to collect a kitten that was in for castration. There was a young couple already at the receptionist counter so I had to wait. The young man asked if their cat was ready for collection and was told that it was. He then asked what was it they had done to complete the operation. His partner looked at him smiled and went to sit down. The young lady receptionist went rather red and said we had to remove his balls sir and they call it castration. The bloke winced and walked of to join his partner. I saw the receptionists embarrassment and said can always trust a man to ask the awkward questions. |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel :
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: (yeah right) :erm: I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state." I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time." A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that! A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express." A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!" |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
2 statues in a park, one male and the other female and they have been giving visitors pleasure over a number of decades.
one day god decides one day that they deserve to be rewarded and that the reward would be one hour of life that evening - when the park closes and the last of the public have left, the two statues come alive. sure enough they come alive and they hold hands and run to the nearest bush. the park is quiet and the only noise to be heard is the moans and groans of the two behind the bushes! some 30 mins later they reappear looking flushed and excited. The female looks at the clock standing at the gates and says "we still have 30 mins left, do you want to do it again?" the male replies "yes but this time you hold the damn pigeons down and I will s*** on them!" |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Q. WHAT do you call a orang-utan with no head, arms or legs?
A. A Coconut |
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