Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

2 chavs in a car without any music. Whos driving?
The police.

What do chavs use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter. :D
__________________

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To punch someone for absolutely no reason whatsoever. :D

(I think I've hit the motherlode of chav jokes) :D
__________________

What's the difference between a battery and a chav?

A battery has a positive side

What's the difference between a chavette and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own
:D
__________________

Judge: What gear were you in at the moment of crashing your Nova?

Chav defendant: Reeboks and a Burbery cap.
__________________

Chavette is doing the washing up when her 4 year old daughter comes up to her
"Mummy, I wondered why your hands are so soft"
"'Kin ell Storm" says the chavette. "It's 'cos I'm twelve, innit" :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Didn't wanna quote the lot there rammy but 'kin good fun :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, " OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block. "

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!)

Scroll Down







The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The Best Break up Letter Ever....

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letterââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¦.

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky.....

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky...

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

If you don't know where you want to go, we'll make sure you get taken." -- Japanese translation of Microsoft's slogan

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

"Data, data everywhere, but not one drop that helps you think."

"Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:rofl:

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,

S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left other 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

†¢ On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
†¢ On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
†¢ On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
†¢ Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
†¢ In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
†¢ On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
†¢ On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman


:disturbd:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I have to add that, while very funny, I didn't see that in the Times last year (but it's possible that I was on holiday when it was printed) :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/b/berman.htm

It's still very funny though :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

If the word "service" means "contribution to the welfare of others" then what do these terms mean?

Inland Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Awarded an OBE for Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations


I was confused until I overheard a farmer talking about having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

.....and then I understood

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A few quick ones to bump this thread a bit...
----------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 20 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
----------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
----------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
----------------------------------------------------------
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
----------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
----------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent
----------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her class,"What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n'Mary.
----------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in the Algarve in Portugal. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He in turn swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister".
----------------------------------------------------------

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline
pilots and control towers around the world.


Tower: Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Delta 351: Give us another hint! We have digital watches!



TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?
Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
I'm f ... ing bored!
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!
Unknown aircraft: I said I was f ... ing bored, not f ... ing
stupid!



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.
United 239: Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the
Little Fokker in sight.



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last
known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if, you are able. If you are not able. take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.



There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running a bit peaked.
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B~52 that had one engine shut down.
Ah, the fighter pilot remarked, The dreaded seven-engine approach.



Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned and returned
to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant,What exactly, was the problem?
The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the flight attendant. It took us a while to find a new pilot.



A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?
Ground (in English): If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
Because you lost the bl**dy war.


Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7
Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702.
Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers.

:notme:

There are more if wanted

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Angua, you have a PM :)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Next lot:D

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC~8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC~8 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206. "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One~Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."



While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am, l' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:





"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The following is an actual exchange between CF posters...

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...ad.php?t=25957

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I did a search for Air traffic control to see if anyone has done these before and nothing came up

Sorry

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Here's one ripped from computer stupidities...

I'm a Senior Tier 2 DSL tech for an ISP. External DSL "modems" (not really a modem, but actually a router) have lights which can often help diagnose specific situations. When a Speed Stream 5260 modem has a hardware failure, all four lights on it go red, and the only recourse is to replace it.

One day, I got a call from a customer who wanted to know if his DSL modem was cool enough to use. (Well, the 5260 IS kind of cute, so I thought it was a cool one to use.) I asked for clarification from the customer and was told that all four lights had gone red and that the modem had become too hot to touch. Obviously a major hardware failure had occurred, and there was a risk of fire, there, too. He said he called in previously to tier 1 support and was told to put the modem in the refrigerator to cool down.

I thought, "No, no tech would be stupid enough to tell him that!" But sure enough, the account notes I pulled up read, "Told customer to cool off modem in refrigerator and try it later."

That tech is no longer with us -- big surprise -- but I've wondered how in the world he got hired in the first place.

(could this tech now work for NTL ? :naughty: :angel: )

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
Half the people in the world are below average
Save the whales: collect the whole set . :rofl:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Many a true word is spoken in jest...! :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

<Part 1 removed as unsuitable>
__________________

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?



As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.



1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.



2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t (appeal) to handle the Muslin, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s 91.8 million homes. One presumes thereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s at least one good child in each.



3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children. Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we all accept). We are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 ½ million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.



This means that Santaââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.



4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that †œflying reindeerââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the nominal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh ~ to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.



5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraftââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s re-entering the earthââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 2 50-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,31 5,01 5 pounds of force.



In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s dead now.
__________________

<Part 3 removed as unsuitable>
__________________



I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.



The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.



This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.



The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand.



I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall.



I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.



I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.



Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.



Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother?



I want some repairââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.



The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.



The person next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.



Will you please send me someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.



Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.



Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.



Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.



I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.



This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2.
__________________


Lets kill the bunny NOW.

Two sections removed (Paul) - Lets keep the jokes within the T&C's please, and suitable for a family forum. :)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A white van driver was with his girl making passionate love in his van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back ...all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.


Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring.....





...........




..........









............











"You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
:blush:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Not a joke but, this is strange and interesting.
This is a car advertisement from Great Britain.
When they finished filming the ad, the film
editor noticed something moving along the side of the car,
like a ghostly white mist.

They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier
in that exact same spot. The ad was never put on TV because
of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.

Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the
middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing
in front of the car then following it along the road.

http://www.gdiu.ws/cgi-bin/ghostly/video.cgi?idx=185

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Careful, Graham will be after you.;)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Anyone who still falls for this one gets all they deserve! :Yikes:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

The Surrealist Compliment Generator :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Bizzarre:erm:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A little rude in places.....but quite funny :)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Correct

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Gosh! That site inspires me to say "Your skin emanates such a porcelain sheen that I am tempted to stamp WC under your bosom and across your armpits."
:eek: :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

"You blink thrice warned that I can but think of the eyebrows of Richard Nixon covering a hostess of furry twinkies. " :D :D :D :D :D

****ing ****ing meself here!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
__________________

Greenie for that Mate!:D :D :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

"
Cry for the stiffness of the earlobe. The turtles are fallen and the rain stands still. How long must I suffer with your undergarments? "


:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

You have not yet reached the height of your depravity. :disturbd:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Your entrance is ever a segue to endless lands of derision. :erm:


Though I may never see you again, I wish you the warmest clam chowder, the finest of embalmings, and the best in stainless steel cadaver pans that money can buy. :D

Madam, what a handsome moustashe you wear! :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

You cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.

Your beautiful bulgarian bricks stack like the thousand eyes of Estonian potatos, peering amid fuzzy dreams of corrugated cardboard.

:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. "

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......



"Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

found this news report



At an urgently convened meeting of Great Britain's COBRA emergency planning committee, the British Government have introduced a devastating weapon as their contribution to The War on Terror.

In response to the outcry at yesterday's Police gunning of a tinted gentleman on his way to an urgent picnic in Hyde Park, Police, Security Services, senior Government officials and Ministers alongwith several representatives of Le Corps de Royal Variety Performance met in a secret bunker to thrash out a new approach.

Proceedings began with a two minute silence in memory of the passing of Variety Theatre. Luminaries of End of The Pier shows including Keith Harris, Bernie Clifton, The Chuckle Brothers and esteemed art critic, Dame Brian Sewell rubbed shoulders with chief Government advisers Bono, Sir Bob Geldof and Orville as heads were banged together in an urgent effort to, Make Terrorism History.

Various suggestions were considered with The Chuckle Brothers generously offering themselves to man Tube Stations with their signature outsize ladders performing their "To Me - To You" routine, thus thwarting any efforts of crazed suicide bombers to rush, unhindered, onto the trains.

Bernie Clifton pointed out that his speciality act of riding an out of control Rhea would similarly disrupt the rapid transit of terrorists. The added height gained by sitting atop his bird would provide an overview of the crowds and any rucksack clad, sandwich box carrying killer could be spotted with ease and reported to the appropriate authorities.

Perhaps not surprisingly Keith Harris and Orville were completely unable to offer any useful contribution, although, Bono did point out that their rendition of "I wish I could Fly" might have been an ideal theme tune for the now deceased 9/11 terrorists and regardless of that aside, the duo had inspired him in the early stages of his own musical career.

It was at this point, with heads and chins almost scratched away to nothing, that Dame Brian Sewell saved the day. His suggestion, that what Great Britain needed at this time of crisis, was a return to good old British Values, where people could pay their taxes and walk the streets without fear of being offended by tacky displays of flowers by roadsides to commemorate some dead people and pavements cluttered with boards of pinned up photographs of The Missing with completely tasteless frames and mounts. "No - what we need is The King Of Comedy - Sir Ken Dodd and his Diddymen", lisped the somewhat effette, proponent of good taste and all round genius.

An urgent call was put out to the Jam Butty Mines of Knotty Ash and quicker than you could say, Ooooh How tickled I am, in burst Ken Dodd and his troupe of Diddymen fully equipped with their Tickling Sticks. Agreement was reached that The Diddymen will provide intensive training to The Metropolitan Police in the use of tickling sticks. Officers will be positioned on guard at Bus Stops and Tube Stations around London to tickle all prospective passengers.

Skillful use of said specialist equipment will result in travellers writhing hysterically and the Diddymen themselves, what with their limited stature will be able to look up under the flailing arms of the amused ticklees to check for any signs of wires or hidden explosives. Those found to be prospective bombers can then be shot immediately and will die laughing.

Prime Minister Blair visibly sighed with relief at this ingenious plan to put an end to London's recent troubles and immediately conferred a long overdue Knighthood on Sir Ken.

The scheme will be funded from proceeds of a new charity recording of 'Happiness" by Bono, Sir Bob and Sir Ken with Prime Minister Blair on backing guitar and Home Secretary Charles Clarke, on the spoons. Should these sterling efforts fail and further bomb attacks lead to any fatalities Sir Bob Geldof has kindly agreed to raise victims from the dead.

Sir Ken Dodd is 96 and still has someone else's teeth.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A little boy and his father went into the Chemist.

The boy spots the condom display behind the counter and starts asking his Father questions:

Boy: "Dad, why do those ones come in packs of three?"
Father: "Well son, those are for School Boys. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
Boy: "So why do those ones come in packs of six then?"
Father: "The ones that come in packs of six are for college boys. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."
Boy: "Oh.....so what about those ones then? Why do they come in packs of twelve?"

At this the Father turns to his son, and with a tear in his eye he says: "Son, those ones are for married men. One for January, One for February.........."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

That reminds me.

A father and son were out for a walk together when they came across two dogs mating, the boy asks "dad what are they doing?" Dad replies "they are making puppies".


A couple of nights later the son disturbs his parents mid coitus, and asks "dad what are you doing?" Dad answers "we are making a baby".

Son promtly says................."turn mum over I'd rather have puppies".....[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]
:notme:





A Veeeerrrryyyyy old joke (from my teens)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Where does Kylie Monogue get her kebabs from?


Jasons Donner Van

I'll get me coat...........

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:notme:Hope this has not been done elsewhere?

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank says: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? :afire:


:omg:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Sorry Anqua..........before your time so you weren't to know :)
........but I did pmsl again though :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Here are some of the joke I heared on my hols but cannot remember the others

I bought my niece a jigsaw for her birthday, she plugged it in and cut off the fingers.

What happened when Moses went to mount olive? Popeye kicked his head in.

What goes click click is it done yet? Stevie Wonder doing the Rubikââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Cube.

The other day I was with a group of people and one of the was obviously wearing a wig, I stood up and said to him †˜Look mate everybody here knows youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re wearing a wig, why donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you take it off as it makes you look sillyââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ then the bugger gave me 6 months.


This salesman knock on a door, which is opened by a 7 year old boy holding a large glass of brandy in one hand, and a lighted Cuba cigar in the other, he says to him †˜Are mummy or daddy home?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ to which the boy replies †˜Does it look like it?ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢

The other day I was walking my 5 year old through the park and he saw dogs going at it. My little boy asks me what are they doing? I reply †˜Well they are um well they making puppiesââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ which he was happy with, latter that night he walked in to my bedroom were me and the missus were going at it. He asked what were we doing I said that we were making babies, he said can you turn her over I want a puppy.


One morning I said to the wife that the milkman has made love to all but one woman in our street, she said it must that stuck up cow at number 31.


I used to work at Specsavers, I made no money but loads of contacts.


I had been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and she said that we were invited to meet her parents, and that her bedroom was very far from her parents bedroom and that we wouldnââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t be heard. So the day before I went to the chemist to get a packet of three, but the chemist said that they only come in packets of 5, 10, 12, I ask how come, he said that the 5-pack were for the Italians, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday. The 10-pack were for the British Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday and three times on Sunday. And the 12-pack was for the French Jan, Febââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¦. I asked him for two 12 packs, as Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m seeing my girlfriend this weekend. Anyway traffic was a nightmare and I got there 1 hour late, I was meet at the door by my girlfriend who was spitting nails, and she said go in to the dining room as they are about to serve. I went into the dining room and her father asked if I would do grace I said †˜ may the lord make us thankful for the food we were going to eat, and thanks for the baby animals, trees, babiesââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ my girlfriend said †˜I know you were religiousââ‚ ¬â„¢ I replied †˜I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know your dad was a chemist.

This old girl goes into the Butchers and asks for 6 rump steaks, the butcher asks †˜What the special occasion?ââ‚ ¬â„¢ She said †˜Itâà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÃ ‚¢s my birthday can you guess how old I am.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ The butcher said †˜I reckon youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re about 65ââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the old girl says †˜Iââ ‚¬â„Ã⠀šÃ‚¢m 80 years oldââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the Butcher says †˜Happy Birthday have the steaks on me.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ She goes next door to the Baker and asks for Vol-u-vont, fairy cakes, the Baker asks †˜What the special occasion.ââ‚ ¬â„¢ She said †˜Itâà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÃ ‚¢s my birthday can you guess how old I am.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ The Baker said †˜I reckon youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re about 66ââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the old girl says †˜Iââ ‚¬â„Ã⠀šÃ‚¢m 80 years oldââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the Baker says †˜Happy Birthday have the goods on me.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ She leave the Bakers weighed down with bags and goes to the bus stop and a 70 year old bloke asks †˜ youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ve been busy, what the occasion?ââ‚ ¬â„¢ She said †˜Itâà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÃ ‚¢s my birthday can you guess how old I am.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ The bloke says I canââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t I have my own special why to tell how old a woman isââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢. †˜Go on then.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ Said the old girl, so he puts his hand inside here blouse and into her bra, 45-minutes late he says †˜I reckon youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re 80 years old.ââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ †˜the old girls says how did you work that out?. To which the bloke replies †˜ I was standing behind you at the Butchersââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

Women would rule the world!
__________________

You like that one then? :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

a bit rude, but I'm drunk, so if anyone's offended feel free to get a Mod to delete it.


A bloke is in a queue at the super market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies, "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. "Christ!" he says, "you are that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum?"

No she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher...

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

And another.....

90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better ... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly." :rofl:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

After his death, Osama bin Laden was allowed a short visit Heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.

Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

----------------------------------------

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" †“ the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" †“ says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
---------------------------------------

Three strangers at the Great Falls airport are awaiting their flights.

One is a Native American on his way to Helena for a statewide Indian Pow-Wow.

Another a ranch hand on his way to Billings Montana for a stock show.

The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived, and on his way to study engineering at Montana Tech.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon the westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim, and believes his people are justified in their 'holy' war.

The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside blows and blows and the old windsock flaps but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly he speaks:" Once, my people were many, now we are few."

The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson Cowboy Hat says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet boy." :erm:
__________________

Everybody has this Islam paradise thing backward. It's not 72 virgins. When you die you get one 72-year-old virgin. Nobody wants her -- she's returned and the next guy gets her

:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

There was a mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Baby balloon was a poor sleeper and mummy and daddy balloon had allowed him to share their bed at night. Baby balloon was growing a little old for this now so mummy and daddy balloon wanted him to sleep through the night in his own bed. Baby balloon didn't like this idea. In the middle of the night he kept getting up, wandering into his parents room and climbing in. Mummy and daddy balloon were at the end of their tether.

The balloon family went on holiday and there seemed to be a change in baby balloon. Maybe it was the different rooms and novelty of different beds but baby balloon slept through the night in his own room. Success thought mummy and daddy balloon, and they were inflated with pride that their son was at last showing signs of growing up.

It was not to be. They returned home. Mummy and daddy balloon applied a little pressure on their son explaining that as he had slept on his own while on holiday they expected him to stay in his own room now they were back home. Baby balloon agreed with this.

Come the middle of the night baby balloon awoke and went to his parents bedroom. There were mummy and daddy, snuggled together so tightly that baby balloon just couldn't squeeze himself in between. Not to be defeated, he thought he'd try and slip between his parents from the bottom of the bed. Again, no joy there just was not enough of a gap. Ah ha he thought. He fiddled with his nozzle and let a bit of air out. Then he fiddled with his parent's nozzles and let air out of each of them. Great he squeezed in between and settled down for a good nights sleep.

Next morning mummy and daddy balloon were most upset to awake and had that deflated feeling finding their son in bed. At the breakfast table daddy balloon decided enough was enough. Daddy balloon said to baby balloon.

"you are too old to sleep with us. Mummy and Daddy balloon need some privacy. We are very dissappointed as we thought you understood this and had agreed to grow up and sleep by your self. You have let mummy down, you have let daddy down. Worst of all, you have let yourself down."

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Rob, I don't think you've understood the purpose of this thread yet, have you? You're supposed to post funny jokes here! :rolleyes:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

rob my mate told that one the other week at a party

lucky it was last orders he cleared the room:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I'll get my coat. :sulk:

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I would.......... :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

*Points towards the coat rack

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Love this:- http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/2007

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego, -- when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, -- holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of his brakes the truck driver pulled his truck off the road, got out, and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over, -- so we went to the movies

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

are you saying that blondes are thick because i dont think so my wife is blonde and she married me

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

You forgot the " ;) :D " smileys m8!
:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

oops ;) :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

link :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

sounds like marvin the paranoid andriod :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Sounds like the female version of HAL.

While on the rag.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

hol:D red drawf

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I really felt for that poor server and have petitioned the owner to pull the plug cleanly on its behalf.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Good story.........

I was up to my usual DIY tricks at the weekend , and pulled off a mighty
blunder even for my standards !


We're going on holiday next weekend ( driving to Scarborough) so I thought
I'd give the car a jolly good servicing a week in advance so that we'd have
a week of system test before going live !





Anyway, after the plugs /air filter and oil filter I started on the fuel
filter, which is right underneath the car near the petrol tank. I knew that
without the fuel pump running the only petrol that could leak out would be
whatever was in the filter, and whatever was in the fuel line up to the
injection manifold. The filter itself is probably the biggest I've seen on
any car, about the size of a 1L bottle of pop.





Can you see where this story is heading ?


I BET you're wrong !





So , the fuel pump and the filter were mounted in this cage affair with
several bolts holding it on, so I undid everything and after about 5
minutes managed to get access to the banjo bolts attaching the fuel line to
either end of the filter. I carefully put my fag out , then undid the
nearest bolt and WHOOSH , petrol sprayed out with a mighty force, straight
into my face and eyes. The burning sensation was instant, and in my haste
to get away from the pain I tried to sit up......forgetting I was lying
down under a large and very solid car........and promptly made a large dent
in the petrol tank......and a matching lump on my forehead.





After a couple of minutes my vision returned and I could see that the
pressure in the fuel line had subsided, as it was just dripping now, so I
got under the car and removed both bolts and whipped the old one off. I
then set about hooking up the new one, fitting it in it's cage, and
re-bolting the cage to the chassis.....a process that must've taken 10
minutes tops.





I bet you didn't know that 10 minutes is just about the right amount of
time required for petrol to dissolve bitumen to a thick liquid, then
evaporate away making the bitumen solidify again ??? neither did I ,
until I tried to get out from under the car and discovered the back of my
head was welded solid to the road ! It sounds funny now, but at the time I
got into quite a panic...... I tried rolling my head, but it was too
painful and I could hear the hair tearing.... In the end I just had to try
and lift my head straight off the ground, as it was least painful method,
and suddenly ...........DING ...... another big dent in the petrol tank,
and a large chunk of road stuck to the back of my head.





By now I was looking like the elephant man, and was in a rather bad mood,
so imagine my despair when I turned the ignition on activating the fuel
pump, and looked under the car to see gallons of petrol spraying out from
both ends of the newly fitted filter. The banjo bolts had copper washers
either side, and the new filter did not come with any, so I just stuck the
old ones on, which was obviously a bad idea.





Anyway five garages later I managed to get the right size copper washers
and completed the task in a new record time of 4 hours 50 minutes !





So......to sum up.......if you ever find yourself with a large area of road
stuck to your head, don't do as I did , and try pouring petrol on your head
to dissolve it, as although the magic elves were very entertaining for a
while, the resulting headache , and burning eyes were not.


After watching me dancing around the street pouring petrol on my head for
about 10 minutes, my wise old neighbour Dave decided enough was enough ,
and suggested I try some vasoline instead. After a quick vote amongst the
elves it was agreed.... So I proceeded to slap an entire tub of vasoline
all over the back of my head.





It was about this time that my parents in law walked in, to see me slouched
in the chair, glowing bloodshot eyes, two enormous eggs on my head,
accompanied by a large chunk of tarmac , and topped off with a kingsize
dollop of vasoline.





It was a very amusing moment.

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Is this about you mate?

Best Blonde Jokes
 

Heres Some of my fav blonde jokes .....

1.
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"



2.
What do blondes and cow patties have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.


3.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"


4.
Two women jump off a bridge, one was blonde and the other brunette. Who hits the ground first?

The brunette, she just fell but the blonde had to stop to ask for directions

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. We should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration and security.

:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Notice in Butchers shop

"Can parents please refrain from seating their children on the meat slicer while waiting, as we've been getting a little behind with our orders recently"


************************************************** *******

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundrette
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT .

In a London shop:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

What do Esses girls use for protection?







A Bus shelter

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Romantic poetry for gamers:

Roses are red
violets are blue
all of my base
are belong to you


:rofl:
__________________

Time for prayers:

Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too ****ed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

:D
__________________

Jesus Saves.................... passes to moses, SCOOOOORE! :rofl:
__________________

The most secure computer in the world is one not connected to the internet.
.............Thats why I recommend ntl broadband. :rofl:
__________________

In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship. :D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Yes please, justice would be done indeed:D:D:D:D:D

Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

I'll second that :rofl:

Scottish Drinking
 

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
_________________

Golden blonde joke
 

Dug this one from my email archives of jokes.

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25

Re: Golden blonde joke
 

have you got your coat on :rolleyes:

Re: Golden blonde joke
 

Might want to merge the majority of posts in the Humour section then as there are a lot of single joke posts in there.

Re: Scottish Drinking
 

Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

In the single European Market, we must learn to adapt to our fellow Europeans and their products, including Germany and their cars. In this short, but informative guide, I will attempt to translate the rather complicated German Descriptions, into more sensible English Ones.



Indicators.................. Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Bonnet.................. Pullknob und Knucklechopper

Exhaust.................. Spitzenpoppenbangentuben

Speedometer.................. Der Egobooster und Linenshooter

Clutch.................. Die Kuplink mit Schlippen und Schaken

Puncture.................. Die Phlatt mit Bludy****en

Learner.................. Die Twatten mit Elplatz

Estate Car.................. Der Bagmeroomfurschagginkinauto

Parking Meter.................. Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwer

Windscreen Wiper.................. Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredden

Foot Brake.................. Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen

Gear Lever.................. Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen

Breathalyser................. .................. Die Pufflintem fur Pisten****n

Rear View Mirror.................. Der Yokunter Tecklosen

Seat Belt... .................. Der klunkenklikker Frauleintrapper

Headlights .................. Das Dippendontdazzelubastad

Exhaust Fumes....... .................. Der Koffenundschpittpoluter

Highway Code......... .................. Der Wipan fur ****n

Fog Warning.... .................. Die puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt

Traffic Jam.................. .................. Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblasten

Rear Seat.................. Der Schpringentester

Tyres......... .................. Flattfahrts

Backfire.... .................. Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen

Juggernaut .................. Der Fukkengrett Trukken

Accident... .................. Der Bledinmess

Near Accident... .................. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen



Happy Motoring...
__________________

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majestyââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, †œsâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ� will be used instead of the soft †œcâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ�. Sertainly, sivil servants will reserve this news with joy. Also, the hard †œcâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ� will be replaced with †œkâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ�. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome †œphÃƒÆ’Ã†â€™Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â¢ÃƒÆ ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� will be replased by †œfâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�. This will make words like †œfotografÃÂà ‚¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ƚÂÂ� 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent †œeâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€Š¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢sâââ€Å ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing †œthÃƒÆ’Ã†â€™Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â¢ÃƒÆ ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� by †œzâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� and †œwâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� by †œvâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary †œoâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� kan be dropd from vords kontaining †œouÃƒÆ’Ã†â€™Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â¢ÃƒÆ ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�, and similar khanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru
__________________

A grim and ghostly mist swirled over the rain sodden streets of North London. The silence was broken only by the hooting of a very gifted bat. The moon was full, and Astronauts queued outside. The wind whistled all through the night and other Welsh hymns.

A car pulled up outside No.15 Birchwood Close as Nigel was giving Shirley a lift home. Nigel was an exceptional young man, heart of gold, nerves of steel, alabaster feet and a knob of butter. It had been a lovely romantic evening, an intimate romantic dinner for two, a single red rose and a candle. Not very tasty but lots of roughage.

Nigel hoped that Shirley would ask him in for coffee, or better still some rampant horny sex. Last time he recalled all he got was a peck on the cheek, but thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s one of the drawbacks of keeping a parrot in your underpants. †œWhy donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you come up to my flat for some rampant horny sex?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� said Shirley. Nigel could hardly believe his ears, but nobody could, they were six feet long and covered in fur. Shirleyââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s flat was small and cold, but fortunately, it was also large and warm.

†œOh! Before anything happens, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m not on the pill.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� said Nigel. †œDonâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€à …¾Ã‚¢t worry.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� said Shirley, †œPut this on.ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� Nigel put it on. It was the Beachboys Greatest Hits. Nigel and Shirley gazed at each other, their eyes met, to form one huge eye that could see in four directions. There was a pause, it was Nigel that broke the silence. He apologized and opened a window. Relaxing with the music and wine they both started to undress, there was a slight moment of embarrassment for Nigel when he took his underpants off and the parrot flew out.

They sat opposite each other naked on the bed, Shirley had the most perfect breasts, he leaned towards her and they embraced, there are not many breasts that can do that! Nigel licked his lips, he then licked the small of his back. Which, for my money beats the breast trick anyday.

They made love. Afterwards, Shirley took out a packet of cigarettes †œI thought there was something in the way.â₠¬Ã‚Â� said Nigel.

†œNigel⠀ Â� said Shirley †œAm I the first girl you have ever made love to?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�

†œI donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t knowââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� said Nigel †œWere you ever stuck in a lift in Harrods in 1979?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

two men stuck in a lift


1-we should engage in conversation it would pass the time
2-what do you recomend
1-nuclear power
2-well why is it a goat,horse and cow eat the same food but there poo comes out different ones nuggets ones large grassy lumps and the other all sloppy?
1-well i dont know
2-how do you expect to talk nuclear power when you dont know s**t

from a mate;)

Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

1. What language does a Frenchman speak?

2. What is a Silver Dollar made of?

3. What country is the Queen of England Queen of?

4. Who invented Stephenson's Rocket?

5. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? Yes or No

6. What is a coat hanger used for?

7. Where is the basement in a three-story building?

8. At what time is the †œNews at Tenââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� on?

9. What wood do you get from an Oak tree?

10. How many commandments are there?

11. How composed †œBeethoven's 5th Symphonyââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�?

12. What are sandcastles made from?

13. What do Anteater's eat?

14. Who painted Whistlers mother?

15. What lives in a birdcage?

16. In what city is the London Palladium?

17. What colour is a Blackbird?

18. How long is a yardstick?

19. To how did Stanley say †œDR Livingstone I presume.ââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�?

20. What game is a tennis ball used in?

21. Who wrote the †œDiaries of Samuel Peypesââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�?

22. What statue stand on the top of Nelsons Column?

23. In the 1972 sheep dog trials how many dog were found guilty?
__________________









l Type A

Mr †˜Hey look, itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ This is the worst b******d of all. He or she will drive you CRAZY by distorting hippy or left wing values in order to excuse himself for ripping off your grub! He will make you feel like a complete, petty Nazi, possessionist breadhead, because heââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s eaten all your bacon. He will adopt an INFURIATINGLY reasonable, soft spoken tone and say, †˜Look if it really means that much to you, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ll buy you some more.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ but you know itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s midnight and your hungry now. Of course you are more than welcome to help yourself to this guyââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s stuff, but who wants an empty tube of Craft cheese spread?



l Type B

Ms †˜Look why donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t we have a house kitty and buy a communal sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ This girl is a complete nuisance. She doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realize that Mr †˜Hey look, itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ will eat it and say †˜Hey look, itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢



l Type C

Mr and Ms †˜Look those sausages are mine and Jackieââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢sÃà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢à¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¾Ã‚¢ The house couple, and a right pain, they have electric fences and snarling Doberman Pinchers round their neat, well-stocked bit of the fridge. And every night, they cook themselves PROPER MEALS, like spag bolââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s and amazingly together things like that, and have YOGHURTS afterwards. They form a united front, and are totally unassailable in fridge matters. And then thereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a bit of their amazing spag bol left, and you drool a bit, but no, they scrape it into a bowl and put clingfilm over it and go upstairs and make the floorboards creak all through †˜The Untouchablesâââ€à …¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢.




l Type D

Mr Sticky Label A perfect gent, marks his own stuff clearly, and uses only that . . . Except I could really do with a cup of tea, and heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s got loads of milk, if I just pinch a bit...







QUESTION:Why did Juliet stab herself in the Capulet tomb?

ANSWERS: Because Romeo had eaten her last sausage, despite the fact it was clearly marked †˜ J †™ in biro, and in her part of the FRIDGE.



QUESTION: Why did Delilah cut off all Samsonââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s hair?

ANSWER: Because she caught him using a bit of her milk in his coffee, and all right it was only a splash, but it just seems to happen every time, and the other night she brought some friends back for coffee, and three wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t enough milk, which was ridiculous, because sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢d only bought it the day before, and thereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s no way the house can be run if people donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t feel confident about leaving private property in the FRIDGE.



QUESTION:Why did Paul McCartney leave Jane Asher for Linda Eastman?

ANSWER:Linda might not be as talented as Jane, but at least she doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t deliberately peel off the sticky labels marked †˜PaulâÃà ‚¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€ž ¢sââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ that heââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢d put on the half empty box of fish fingers, in the ice-making compartment of the FRIDGE.



QUESTION:What keeps Cliff and Sue together?

ANSWER:Their fridge is broken.



But donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t blame the fridge.



When Napoleon invaded Russia to get his yoghurt back, it wasnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the fridge that nicked it.



When the †˜I hadnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t even opened this carton of orange juiceââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ war (later known as †˜The Second World Warââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢) started, it wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the fridge that had drunk the juice. No. IT WAS THATCHER

Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

22. What statue stand on the top of Nelsons Column?
winnie
is this a quiz ?

Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

:naughty:

only truly stupid people will get wrong answers
__________________



Question: How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?



2 People - preliminary discussion on concept of change

1 Person - devise and write formal bulb architecture

2 People - feasibility study and timetable of events

2 People - produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility)

1 Person - maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC)

4 People - commonality task force on bulb change

15 People - change bulb

5 People - perform bulb functional test

2 People - perform bulb load test

3 People - perform bulb regression test

1 Person - perform bulb performance analysis

1 Person - perform bulb bottleneck analysis

1 Person - follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility)

1 Person - interface with Utilities Commission

1 Person - interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tuneable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are expensive)!

5 People - perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study.

3 People - ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).

3 People - implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).

5 People - determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.

10 People - determine how to perform bulb change product split (control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies)

1 Person - interface with utilities commission QA group

1 Person - submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Centre)

1 Person - set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system

10 People - answer customer BPRs

11 People - football team to challenge bulb changers.


Question: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as †œLawyerà¢ÃƒÆ’¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Âà ‚Â� and the party of the second part, also known as †œLight Bulbââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry-way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.



The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:



1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.



2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (†œReceptacleÃƚ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚à ‚ÂÂ�), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.



3.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (†œNew Light Bulbâ₠¬Ã‚Â�). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.



NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorised by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as †œPartnership.Ãà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ ÂÂ�

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or theres the feminist one

how many men
1 to hold it and 20 billion to revolve the world around him :dunce:
__________________

why does it take a woman with pmt an hour to change a bulb?

BECAUSE IT DOES

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Whats yellow, ugly & sleeps alone








Yoko Ono

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OOOO ide change that one might be taken the wrong way :)

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pick up the bat with the cursor and kill that crazy frog

http://www.somethingwrong.co.uk/crazy_frog_baseball/
pleeeeeez

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Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, ! "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home" :erm:


\prepares to get told he's not funny - again

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my little boy loved that one ;)
but he said i was the third pig:confused:

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Someone tried one like this on an ex-girlfriend of mine to which she responded:

ONE! AND IT ISN'T FUNNY!!!

She delivered it with such conviction that it was several moments before they realised she was joking! :D

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the image i have in my mind is well :rofl: