Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Nicolas Cage walks into a bar with John Travolta in 1997.

The barman says "why the wrong face?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Not sure where this originated to give the author credit and not sure where to post it but had to share. Enormous thanks to Maggy for helping me smile this morning.

10 points to consider as 2020 ends

1 The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3 The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4 This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh.

5 Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6 Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7 I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8 I need to practice social-distancing ....from the refrigerator.

9 I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip out to the bins!

10 Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.


Does anyone have any to add?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I thought of all the things I should give up for new year but I don't want to be accused of being a quitter. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Citizen: How do I know that you're a genuine taxman?
Taxman: Pass me a stone.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Joke going around in Russia now:

"The police reported several hundred protesters on Saturday, and a few thousand of them were arrested."

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I don't tell many people this but my great grandfather was highly decorated in World War Two, in fact many people think it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Me: Doctor I've swallowed my Fountain Pen, what can I do?


Dr: Use a pencil

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I think my rooster is ill...it just laid an egg!

----
PC : I think we can close the Dick Turpin case sarge, we found his hiding place!
Sarge : Where was that?
PC : Highgate Cemetery



(Adapted from The Goons).

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Two cows were playing cards and smoking weed

The steaks were very high

Re: Jokes Thread
 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Re: Jokes Thread
 

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

or

Jand ate her friend's colon

Re: Jokes Thread
 

With some fava beans and a nice chianti :spin:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

"T shirt" is the abbreviated form of "Tyrannosaurus shirt" due to the short arms.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Can't fault your spelling or counting ;)

Re: Jokes Thread
 

You are in a house where every window all round has a Southerly aspect.

What colour is the bear?

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Yes, "it" has two letters

Re: Jokes Thread
 

White, that question was in my exam preparation test during teacher training, I got it and a shockingly high number of people responsible for our children's education didn't :shocked:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Re: Jokes Thread
 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk …

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

@MrBonMot

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford go into an Irish bar

Oh no not yew tree again says the barman

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Not only is this just bad, its wrong on so many levels.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Oh . . it made me chuckle, there again I'm lucky to be 'old school' with a sense of humour that hasn't faded in the wash :p:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I have a sense of humour just not about such things as sexual predators.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

We didn’t much like Hitler either, but there were plenty of jokes made about him.

Please let’s not let this wokery get in the way of humour.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Nothing to do with "wokery" - people have different senses of humour, and find different things funny/unfunny.

Nice try, though...

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Of course people who have a different sense of humour will not find it funny. That's no excuse to call others out for it, or try to ban such humour, which is what wokes do.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and a say that's freedom of speech for u.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I agree, as long as they don’t try to shut up the people who disagree with them. That’s what I’m objecting to.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Do you mean by calling them "traitors" and "the enemy", and intimating they would be Quislings if ever there was a future conflict?

Re: Jokes Thread
 

That's bound to be the reaction from many people when they have to put up with these never-ending excuses (from the usual crowd) for another country or bloc of countries that are trying to ruin our economy. From the very same people who tried to undermine the clear vote of the British people in a referendum.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I know, soon I won't be able to take the pee out of myself without offending someone

Re: Jokes Thread
 

A small hypocritical* vituperative minority are not "many people", no matter how you try to spin it.

*you don't seem to get the irony of you calling people traitors because they disagree with certain Government policies, when you have disagreed vehemently with the Governments COVID policies.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

'Black humour is sign of high intelligence, study suggests. An appreciation of ‘sick jokes’ equates with high IQ and low aggression'

https://www.theguardian.com/science/...lligence-study

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I thought black humour wasn't allowed any more, along with Irish, Jewish, Blondes, Vicars, Salesmen (with or without farmers daughters), Ducks, Sheep (with or without Welshmen), Parrots, Policemen, Mother-in-Laws, Golfers, and height disadvantaged people jumping up and down in long grass :shrug:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Like:

Little boy eating a boiled egg: "Mummy this egg is bad"
Mother: "Nonsense dear, eat it all up"

Later:

"Mummy, do I have to eat the beak?"

:D

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Covid isn’t another country, Hugh.

I don’t get your minority comment. Most people voted for Brexit and still support it. Even a good number of remainers now accept the position, and some of them are critical of those who simply do not accept the democratic decision of this country.

The minority are the ‘remoaners’, who just cannot stop whingeing.

Anyway, I’m not sure that this is something to laugh about, so this is on the wrong thread.

So, this Brexiteer, Remainer and Remoaners walk into a bar……

Nah, nothing funny comes out!

---------- Post added at 11:58 ---------- Previous post was at 11:57 ----------

Oh, God, don’t say ‘black’! Some white workers might get offended. :D

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Some may be offended by your taking the Lord's name in vain. Different strokes. ;)

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Conflation again… :dozey:

A majority of those who voted voted for Brexit, and I accept the outcome - however, a small vituperative minority (including yourself) of this group decry others who disagree with aspects of the policies since enacted as "traitors" and "the enemy".

Or to put it simply - not everyone who voted for Brexit thinks of those who criticise Government policy as traitors, no matter how you try to spin it as so…

Hope this helps…

Re: Jokes Thread
 

They side with the EU every time, Hugh, no matter what. Clearly they want this country to fail - hence the response.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

A lady passes away 3 years after her husband. After entering the pearly gates she see her husband and runs over to him with her arms wide open. He says "what do you want, the contract was to death"

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Seeing as it’s the "jokes" thread, your post fits right in…

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I bought some lamb, it said on the pack "reared in Wales"

I thought that is racial stereotyping.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I was in the bank earlier when this little old lady approached me and asked me to help check her balance, so naturally I pushed her over

She didn't even thank me either

Re: Jokes Thread
 

[DELETED]

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Don't you just hate it when you forget the punchline :D

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Or lose the plot… ;)

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Larry goes out bear hunting one day.

He sees a brown bear and he shoots at it - Bang! It's dead.

Suddenly, there's a tap on his shoulder - he turns around, there's this big black bear standing there.

"That bear was my cousin. I'll give you a choice. I can kill you or I can sodomize you."

Larry thinks and thinks - finally, reluctantly, he decides he doesn't want to die; so, the black bear enthusiastically sodomizes him and then leaves.

A year later, when his wounds are healed, Larry goes back into the woods seeking revenge.

He tracks down the black bear, takes aim and shoots - Bang! It's dead.

Immediately, there's a tap on his shoulder, he turns around - there's this big grizzly bear standing there.

"That bear was my cousin. I'll give you a choice. I can kill you or I can sodomize you."

Larry thinks and thinks - reluctantly, he decides he doesn't want to die. So the grizzly bear enthusiastically sodomizes him and then leaves.

A year later, when his wounds are healed, the man goes back into the woods seeking revenge.

He tracks down the grizzly bear, takes aim and shoots - Bang! It's dead.

Immediately, there's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there's a humongus polar bear standing there.

"Let's face it, Larry. You're not here for the hunting, are you?"

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Be extra careful driving on the roads with Christmas round the corner a lot of men will be out drinking and getting their wives to drive

Re: Jokes Thread
 

2 flies on a blokes ass, which ones into drugs.....

The one on the crack!!

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered "They're right behind you"

Re: Jokes Thread
 

On that note…

3 conspiracy theorists walk into a pub

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

And now the weather:

It'll be hailing in Hayling, soaking in Woking and in Lissing Down, take an umbrella.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

That sounds like "The Two Ronnies", citations are good.

I read some of the jokes on this thread :D

Re: Jokes Thread
 

How does Good King Wenceslas like his Pizza?

Deep Pan Crisp and Even.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

While shepherds washed their socks by night, all using Fairy Snow.
The angel of the Lord came down and said I use Omo.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

While Shepherds washed their socks by all night all watching ITV,
The Angel of the Lord came down and switched to BBC.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

While Shepherds watched TV at night and paid the license fee
The spirit of OB appeared, and said 'get with it, stream'

Re: Jokes Thread
 

While Shepards watched their turnip tops all cooking in a pot
The Angel of the lord came down and scoffed the fecking lot

---------- Post added at 13:18 ---------- Previous post was at 13:17 ----------

While shepherds watched their flocks by night all seated on a bank
An angel who was bored came down and taught them how to... (from The Vicar of Dibley)

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief.

But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Ummm :confused:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I don't get it either?

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Try saying "red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry".

It’s a tongue-twister, so not easy to say…

Re: Jokes Thread
 

If you have to explain it....... :p:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

And you don't think they realised that?...

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Re: Jokes Thread
 

One for Russ…

https://www.cableforum.uk/board/atta...9&d=1659635476

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Alexa, tell me a joke..... Alexa?

Sorry, I wasn't listening, I thought you deserved some privacy

Really, well that's nic-

Would you like me to tell you another joke

Re: Jokes Thread
 

"I won't back down" - Tom Petty

"I may readjust my stance if you have a convincing argument"- Tom Reasonable

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Rough neighbourhood.

https://www.cableforum.uk/board/atta...1&d=1660836705

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I opened my fridge earlier, and it smelt of Basil.


I think it might me faulty :D

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Re: Jokes Thread
 

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

Well......I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Here's a funny for you all.

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Just asked my daughter to pass me the phone book

She laughed, called me a dinosaur and gave me her iPhone

Now the spider is dead, the phone is broken and she's furious

Re: Jokes Thread
 

:D I've stolen it.

I found this and thought it should be seen by our own Govt if no one else!!

http://web.archive.org/web/202307300...1&d=1690672109

Ah man!!

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she spots the wolf hiding behind a log

"Wow what big eyes you have got"

The wolf runs off

Then she sees him hiding behind a tree

"Wow what big ears you have got"

The wolf runs off again

She then sees him hiding in a ditch

"Wow what big teeth you've got"

This time the wolf stands up and says

"Look can you sod off, I'm trying to have a shit"

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Had a massive argument with the other half earlier and she ended up packing my bags, as I was walking out the door she screamed

"I hope you have a slow and painful death you barsteward"

So naturally I assumed she wanted me to stay and went to unpack

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I told my mate that I have had the sh*ts for almost 6 weeks.
"Don't worry", he said, "They go back to school tomorrow".

Re: Jokes Thread
 

This made me laugh....

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I'm sweating more in this heat than Fred West on Ground Force.

Thinking

:D

Presidental Chatroom

https://www.cableforum.uk/images/local/2023/09/2.jpg

Ah man!!

Re: Jokes Thread
 

That reminds me of the last funeral I attended, there weren't many people there and at one point a man approached the widow and asked if he could say a word

Of course she said, go right ahead

So the man cleared his throat, stood up and said plethora before sitting back down

"Thanks" the woman said "that means a lot" :)

Re: Jokes Thread
 

As it's now getting closer to Christmas....

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Too soon...? :tiptoe:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Im sure someone will be offended for you. :angel:

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Grammar joke

"A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

"The marbles fell out of my pocket."

"The marbles fell out of my colon.""

Re: Jokes Thread
 

I tried to give blood earlier, never again, too many stupid questions

"Whose blood is it?"

"Where did it come from?"

"Why is it in a bucket?"

Just forget it, last time I try and help out

Re: Jokes Thread
 

Re: Jokes Thread
 

My daughter brought her new boyfriend home. The wife and I were appalled by his haircut, the piercings, the tattoos, so much so the wife even said to her "he doesn't seem like a nice boy"

My daughter replied "oh please mum, if he wasn't nice would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Hehe I guess that says it all!!