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Apparently, this morning John Terry asked his legal team to help him look into his family history and try to change his nationality to Serbian.


Sorry if this is deemed too offensive, I heard it elsewhere and found it funny.

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Relationships that are built on lies never work out.
Just ask my estranged mother.... Steve.

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Not particularly funny given that the link you supplied cites estimates ranging from 200,000 to 400,000 deaths amongst Vietnamese boat people.

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Happy Halloween or all saints day.


A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears: Bump...BUMP...BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)




The coffin stops


AND THERES MORE.......

---------- Post added at 16:43 ---------- Previous post was at 15:30 ----------

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. I must warn you it's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "todays market price is about £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain"...

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." :p:

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I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.

I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

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I use to be addicted to time travel,
but now that's all in the past.

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Logic or English for the English speaking people?

Most Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you. :D


A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." :p:

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That is absolutely superb. :D

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In a similar vein:

Man: Can I get a sack of potatoes for my wife.
Shop-keeper: I don't know. How much is she worth?

I used to like tractors a lot but now I don't. You could say I'm an extractor fan.

---------- Post added at 14:40 ---------- Previous post was at 14:33 ----------

Just reviewing the ones I have missed and I have two things to say.

1. Thanks. Been trying to remember this one for a while
and
2. I think that one's older than I am :p

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if apple made cars, would it have windows?

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George W. Bush and Willard M. Romney. Not too bad until they open their mouths. Then it all gets ruined.

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The presidential thread is that way -> This is a jokes thread :confused:

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Bush (both of them) were jokes as President

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Twas a poor attempt at political humour from me.

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There have been less funny "jokes" in this thread ;)

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Very poor ;)

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I blame my antibiotics for that. Sorry. Ignore me over the next few days if I speak rubbish. And negative rep to first person who says what's new.

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I was actually going to say "join the club" :p:

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Why We Love Children

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' :D


A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.' :shocked:

A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

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The world is £4 trillion in debt.

Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

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Have you heard the one about having a licence to smoke?

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Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better.

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Another reason I wish I could drive :D

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P.P.S. don't put any money in the wallets.
P.P.P.S. don't get greedy, and give somebody else a go.

---------- Post added at 21:25 ---------- Previous post was at 21:24 ----------

There's other scams where you don't need to own a car. but you do need money :D

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Lib Dems demand national recount of their votes to see if it's really worth bothering any more.

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Little boy asks his grandad if he can make a sound like a frog, the grandad puzzled says 'yes for you pal anything why?' little boy 'well Dad says when you croak we can go to Disneyland'. Daddum :)

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I made a joke about the Gaza strip earlier, but it Israeli inappropriate.

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senevn?

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Poor old Di Matteo. Sacked this morning, got home at lunchtime and found John Terry leaving the house.

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I was trying to work out roughly how long it would take to watch a season of 24. In the end I had to call it a day.

---------- Post added at 13:25 ---------- Previous post was at 12:42 ----------

Lost: Pitbull with three legs.
Answers to the name of Kevin.
Family distraught.
Legs belong to wife and eldest daughter.

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Scottish NHS

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness.

He greets one and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who
immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now very troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit." :D

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A woman's favourite 3 words: I love you.

A man's favourite 3 words: While you're up.

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http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/02/1...ple-in-stores/

LOL

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Totally wouldn't surprise me that wouldn't. I can just imagine some posh people moaning about having to queue with the chavs and layabouts in Waitrose. I am not posh or rich, yet shop every now and then in Waitrose. Never had a snooty look in the 10 times I have been in there though.

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North Korea
 

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Who's Egg Is This?
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groinj and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the groin. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the goddamn egg."

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Coming soon to itv2..

Coronation Street: SVU

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Marriage is like a game of cards.

You start off with two hearts and a diamond, and end up wanting a club and a spade....

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Magician

An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The Irishman went down yelling, ''Guinness!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of Guinness.

The Scotsman went down the slide yelling,''Whisky!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of Whiskey.

The Englisman went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

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Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?


23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

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News: A man is recovering in Hospital after having 2 pint glasses,3 plates,and a Fruit bowl over his head.

His condition is being described as Table.

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"Protest as Orange parade banned in Belfast"

Scouse hen party tries Blackpool instead...

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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation...

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Operation yewtree extended to Ireland.

Straightaway they made three arrests..

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Shamelessly grabbed from another forum but it did make me laugh....

With the number of airline disasters lately, the Civil Aviation Authority now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay.
Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap.
"Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure test for you on takeoff.

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.A lady was driving down a country road, doing the speed limit, and was enjoying the drive, suddenly, a hare jumps out in front of the car, she has no time to react, and hits the hare killing it instantly. Absolutely horrified that she just killed a hare,she pulls over, and cries in her car. About 5 minutes later, a priest happens to drive by, notices her, and stops. He comes to her window, and asks "My dear child, why are you crying?" The lady responds through her sobs: "I hit a hare.". The priest says not a word, and proceeds back to his car, opens the back, grabs a spray can, and walks over to the hare.
The lady, now out of her car, is watching the priest spray the hare with the can. Some time passes and the hare springs back to life, dusts itself off, and runs for about 50 feet, stops, and waves. The priest repeats this until they can no longer see the hare. The lady, now awestruck, asks the priest in a shaky voice: "What did you do? What is in that can?" The priest hands her the can, and the lady reads aloud: "... Super Hair, will bring any hair back to life and adds permanent wave.".
:D

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[/COLOR]There once was a woman who got breast implants made of wood.
It would be great if this joke had a punchline...........wooden tit.

---------- Post added at 13:37 ---------- Previous post was at 13:35 ----------

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyonce.[COLOR="Silver"]

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A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a ****'.

---------- Post added at 13:53 ---------- Previous post was at 13:48 ----------

At a rent-a-boat company, the caller said into the microphone: boat 99, your hour is up, please head in.

An employee walks up to him and says: We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99 sir.

The caller then said into the microphone: Boat 66, are you in trouble?

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Juan Mata has just been arrested on the M6,police say he tried a u-turn.

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LITTLE JOHNNY... KNOW IT ALL

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, Johnny trips over his mother's bag. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

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There are a lot of jokes about women so here are some for us ladies and all about men ...

Q: When would you want a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What do you call a man with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.

Q: Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
A: They never stop to ask directions

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.

sorry guy's ;)

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How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

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[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

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:waving: :LOL: ;)

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I'll lay eggs,oops, I mean odds that you are the wee blue burd,right?

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????? wot at the end and sleeping lol or fae Larky haha bet ya I'll get into bother for writing that ...

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What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
Homeless.

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as I posted jokes for the ladies here is one for you guy's
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"? "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

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Italian geezer walks intae a bar in Rome and makes a V sign tae the barman then shouts "5 pints grazie."

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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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Oi,I posted that joke in the Beano in 1978.:mad:

---------- Post added at 00:06 ---------- Previous post was at 00:01 ----------

Paddy and Mick sitting at the bar, Paddy has a chip shop. He says to Mick, I'm making no money so I'm turning it into a brothel. Mick says FFS Paddy if ye can't sell chips how do you expect to sell soup.

---------- Post added at 00:09 ---------- Previous post was at 00:06 ----------

Pat n Mick are in a pub drinking their beers,feelin a wee bit hungry they both open a packet of sandwiches they brought with them.
"Excuse me" says the barman "yer not allowed to bring in your own sandwiches."
So they swopped them over.

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Showing your age old one :D better watch out or I'll start calling you Old Jimi :LOL:

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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Wild West.

He walks up to the bar and announces 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

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Why I've never been so insulted in all my life !!!
Well not since yesterday when my wife insulted me.

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[QUOTE=heero_yuy;35676306]Ah well if you're going to joke about us blokes then choke on your conflakes:

Dogs are better than women because: The later you get home the more\
pleased a dog is to see you.
Dogs are better than women because: Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs are better than women because: Dogs appreciate your singing.
Dogs are better than women because: Dogs think breaking wind is funny
Dogs are tetter than women because: Dogs aren't catty.
:LOL:

Dogs are better than women because: Dogs understand that all animals\
smaller than a dog were made to be hunted. :( :cry:



The reasons woman prefer dogs to men...

Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog and it will even get your newspaper.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Dogs understand what 'no' means.
Dogs don't need therapy to deal with their problems.
Dogs are happy with whatever you feed them. :) This is a big bonus for me...LOL
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs don't borrow your credit cards or mobile phone.
Dogs don't play video games.
Dogs don't drink beer or watch football. ;)

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The only problem with dogs is. they can't cook your dinner or wash your clothes.

and their claws really hurt when they dig them in your back.

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Put a dog in the boot of a car for 20 minutes,open it,then the dog will jump out and kiss you,try doing the same thing with a woman and she'll scream and bawl and probably kick you where it hurts most.

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You talking fae experience Jimi ... LOL

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Yes,and my squeaky voice is proof of it.:(

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I love dogs :naughty:

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What is the definition of a good farmer?

A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

---------- Post added at 21:24 ---------- Previous post was at 19:43 ----------

I walked in to a fish and chip shop today.

"I've got no fish already cooked and I'm out of cod, rock, plaice, haddock and scampi", said the bloke behind the counter.

"Better get your skates on then", I replied.

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The Dalai Lama walks everywhere barefoot which has left him with enlarged areas of hardened skin.

In addition his meagre diet means he is quite frail and suffers very bad breath.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He replied, "Call for backup."

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Nicola Sturgeon was on her campaign trail and touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola says to the chauffeur ‘You get out and check – you were driving!'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and tells her that the animal was dead.

‘You were driving; so you had better go and tell the farmer,’ says Nicola

Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

‘My goodness what happened to you?’ Asks Nicola

The chauffeur replies: ‘When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me.’

‘What on earth did you say?’ asks Nicola

Not much really….. I knocked on the door, and when it was answered I said……..’I’m Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow!'

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2 Jews are reading the morning newspaper, when 1 realises that the other one is reading The Guardian.

Shocked, he says 'Shlomo, how can you read this terrible Jew-hating rag? Have you no standards?'

So Shlomo answers 'What standards? Why should I read newspapers that highlight the never-ending 2 thousand-year old Jewish plight, and fight for acceptance, it's bloody depressing. Reading the Guardian is phenomenal! We Jews control the world, we're all rich and powerful, we're in charge of everything and everyone, and we control pretty much every country on earth, even though we only make up 0.03% of the world population! Why would I NOT read such fantastic news?'

:D




(taken from the Spectator comments section)

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I'm obliged to Kelvin McKenzie's column in the Sun today for this amusing snippet:

:D

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My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe...


Here's a photo of last night's R.E.M. concert.

That's me in the corner...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head, no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head, no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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Today's little gem is courtesy of Jane Moore's column in the Sun:

:D

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A London-based drone enthusiast is to sue Heathrow airport for flying a passenger jet right through his toy.

Simon Williams, 35, said the drone was his pride and joy, and the best eight-hundred pounds he’d ever spent, until a British Airways Airbus A320 flew directly through it, reducing it to worthless garbage.
He told us, “I was just flying my drone like I always do, not filming anything I shouldn’t or looking in bedroom windows or anything, just normal drone stuff, you know.

“Then all of a sudden this airliner arrives out of nowhere and flies right into me. No indication, it didn’t try to avoid me and I’m pretty sure it was going way too fast.

“It didn’t even stop afterwards to swap insurance details. It’s pilots like that the give the rest of us sky users a bad reputation.”

Williams explained he’s sought compensation from British Airways, but they refused to accept the blame or name the pilot.

He went on, “They said that as a large organisation, their planes are used by lots of pilots, so they can’t be 100% sure who was flying at the time.

“They don’t seem to care that I’m going to lose my no claims discount. The *******s.”

However aviation consultant Jacob Matthews told us, “The only people who fly drones in public areas are voyeuristic nutjobs.

“Remember that weird kid at school who built his own remote control car and made the noises himself whilst he drove it? This is just him, but with better technology

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I had the police here earlier, the officer said "we have had reports of your dog chasing a man on a bike".

I told him to bog off, my dog doesn't own a bike!

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A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor

"I've been taking steroids for a long time and now I've grown a penis"

"Anabolic" says the doctor

"No just the penis"

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Since Storm Dennis started my girlfriend hasn't stopped looking through the window...


If it get any worse I will have to let her in

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Gary Delaney joke on Twitter today - took me a while to get it...

:D

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DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?’ He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?’



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor... 'Show me. 'The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you’ Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.’ 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.’



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!’ 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!’



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!’ The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!’



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?’



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'

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Bad news for dyslexics on 28th October - your cocks go black. :D

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Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?”

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I urge you under no circumstances to spell part backwards

It's a trap

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I told a girl in the office yesterday that she was painting her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

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I got a book on superglue, I can't put it down