Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
 

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lol....;)

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There was an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman on a plane.....that's the Rugby World Cup for you :D

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There was a Scotsman an Irishman and Welshman in a bar. Well thats Euro 2012 for you.

(Thought I'd drop that in as I am sick of the Welsh people around me forgetting their past performances in the Rugby World Cup and believing that they are the only home country to ever get to the semi finals)

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My emphasis ;)

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Fair point, me bad...

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Following on from the discovery that its possible to go faster than the speed of light, scientists today found a temperature lower than Absolute Zero.

It was observed in a sausage roll from Greggs.

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Someone else reads sikipedia i see! Lol. :D

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LMFAO! :D:D:D

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Response that Justin Bieber may have become a father

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EytotH8BENI

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Channel 5 and ITV 4 set to launch new Manchester-based reality show TOWIE - The Only Way Is Europa

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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'.... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds...

Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation
of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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That was a big let down. I expect she dumped him too.

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An inscription problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

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True stupid stories 01
Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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Taken from a yahoo group... apologies if it's been posted before

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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:


ID10T


Other well-known problems are:

PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
PICNIC (Problem In Chair, Not In Computer)

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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A group of Catholic Priests were due to play a group of Rabbis in a big inter-faith game.A couple of days before the match,disaster struck the Catolic team when their star player broke his ankle.
"What are we going to do?" moaned Father Bradley.
"Well," said Father Turner. "I just happen to be a good friend of Wayne Rooney's,we could ask him to play for us."
"But that wouldn't be ethical,now would it?" said Father Bradley.
"No,but if we called him Father Rooney,no one need know," replied the other priest.
Having agreed to this devious plan,Father Bradley was then called away and was unable to watch the match.However,as soon as he could he phoned Father Turner for the result.
"I'm afraid they beat us," said Father Turner, "Six-Nil,"
"But how come?" we had Father Rooney on our side."
"Yes," said Father Turner,"But they had Rabbi Reina and Rabbi Suarez playing for them.

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Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying. His mom asked him "How do you feel?" He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"

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:D :D

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A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address...

...and without realizing his error, sent the email..



Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from relatives and friends.. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

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:LOL:

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Natasha Giggs on channel 5. Just like Ryan will be in a few weeks

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I hate it when people on the bus watch pornography....... Over my shoulder.

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"Ladies and gents."

That concludes our tour of the toilets. :D

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Just had a Whopper in Burger King....

Had to pull the chain twice to flush it away!

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Today is soundcheck day :-

12. 1. 12.

;)

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Lots of AWT jokes about atm

There's also a video (can't post a link as it contains a naughty calendar but search for lambshank redemption)

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A recent survey by the BBC has found that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy....

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and only 1 out of 7 are grumpy.

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Seven dwarves in a bath, they all felt Happy.Happy jumped out,they all felt Grumpy! :shocked:

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I'm not feeling myself today. I haven't felt myself all day. I wasn't feeling myself yesterday either. I'll probably be alright tomorrow and back to feeling myself again.

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I saw this one and thought of Russ...sowwy Russ :D

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Took my gran to that Dignitas place for her final hours.
Went down for for breakfast but they only served Cheerios.

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I was working out in the gym when I spotted a gorgeous young lady...

I asked the trainer who was near by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked me up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."

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For every bad joke told about a welsh man. a sheep gets it :)

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Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot" :rolleyes:

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But some of us didn't and appreciate being kept in the loop ;)

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The person who texted the joke to me perhaps:D

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Can you spell "COW " in thirteen letters??





"SEE O DOUBLE-YOU..."

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I put an ad in the classifieds on thursday

Wife wanted


on Saturday I got over 100 replies saying 'You can have mine'

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Hopefully this won't offend anyone. Apologies if it does it is not intentional.


Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys.
“What are you here for?” Asked the first child.
“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.
“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”
The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?”
“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child.
“Oh my God,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born! I did not walk for a year!”

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The wife gave me £50 to go and get something to make her look sexy.

you should have seen her face when i came back p!ssed!

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A personal message to you from David Cameron……





The UK is in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is



approximately 60 million.





32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.


Leaving 512,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your arris,

At your computer, reading jokes.


Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

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Whats round and growls

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Got my valentines card from moonpig yesterday......she hates it when i call her that!

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Just told my wife I don't want to be with her anymore because of her obsession with Will Young. She replied I think I better leave right now

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My mate packed in his job at McDonalds. He couldn't take it any more. He said the boss was a clown.

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Grammar. The difference between knowing your sh i t and knowing you're sh i t.

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GOOD:
A traffic cop had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'SPEED TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer also found the boy had an accomplice, who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.


BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a £60 speeding ticket and a picture of his car speeding through an automated camera, was included.
Being cute, he sent the police a picture of three £20 notes.
The police responded with photos of handcuffs and the inside of a Magistrates Court.


BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
The traffic cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's Ball."
He replied, "Policeman don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

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A newspaper reporter goes to a mental hospital to see exactly how things are done there and how a mental patient is actually determined to be mental.

So he mets the head doctor and the conversation goes like this;

Reporter: "So can you please tell me how do you decide that a patient is actually mental?"

Doctor: "Well we go into the bathroom and fill the bathtub and put a spoon a cup and a big bucket on the floor and ask the patient which one will emtpy the bathtub the fastest?"

Reporter: "So when the patient says the big bucket then you know the patient isnt mental?"

Doctor: "No when the patient pulls the plug in the bathtub then we know he is not mental, by the way we have a spare bed by the window if your interested!!!!"

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Yet another test is whether you post the same joke as what was posted in this thread in 2007 and again in 2009 ;) :rofl:

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I kinda feel sorry for James Murdoch. He just couldn't hack it!





(Not mine, and slightly re-worked)

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A 30 stone man was walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that read:

I http://blog.mydot.com/image.axd?pict...fred-heart.gif hip hop

A guy walked up to him & said, "You don't look the sort to dance to Hip Hop"

The man looked down & said:

"Damn, The C & S have fallen off"...

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The difference between men & women:

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Just found this - Unix Commands For Sex: :shocked:

gawk; grep; unzip; touch; strip; init,
uncompress, gasp; finger; find,
route, whereis, which, mount; fsck; nice,
more; yes; gasp; umount; head, halt,
renice, restore, touch, whereis, which,
route, mount,
more, yes, gasp, umount, expand, ping,
make clean; sleep

- and there you are! :D

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Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

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Shaggy. Who knows the abbreviation for "Rhinoceros".
Scooby."Rhino"
Shaggy."ok what is it scoob?"

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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)
listserv | Unknown | AP
Posted on 28 April 2006 01:09:36 by Chickensoup
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Palm Springs, CA, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

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How many G4S employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

4 soldiers and a Policeman.

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The way I heard it: "... walks into a bar with a mop and orders a beer."

:)

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Yeah. That sounds better.

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This nice weather doesn't fool me one bit. It's just a front. :rofl:

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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable..

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some more good news.'

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry, mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is..

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well,' the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

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All the big supermarkets are set to bring out a budget bikini this summer.

It's no frills.

Top Chav Tip
 

For that extra touch of style and authenticity, when your 14year old daughter has her first baby, make sure she has the nipples on the baby bottles pierced. :Yes:

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Life before the computer
 

Memory was something you lost with age
An Application was for employment
A programe was a TV Show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was on a piano
A web was a spiders home
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
A virus was the flue
A hard drive was a long trip
A CD was something to do with banking

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out :D

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Must be why in some countries they are called stiffies

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I remember eight inch floppies....

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Moving about floppys....... No I cant say that :)

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife." :)

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How many bytes?

Many years ago, a South African IT consultant walked into our office and asked if anyone had a stiffy.

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[QUOTE=TheNorm; Many years ago, a South African IT consultant walked into our office and asked if anyone had a stiffy.[/QUOTE]

So what was your reply with your stiff upper lip??

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Yep, 5.25 and 8 inch disks were floppies and 3.5 inch because of their hard casing were stiffies..

Kinda put makes the joke a bit benign ;)

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So, a floppy becomes a stiffy when it's wrapped in plastic. :erm:

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Only hard plastic ;)

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Depend on how big your mouth is.

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days." :D

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Aphorisms

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

When blondes have more fun,do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES.....USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his [mod edit] widow."

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I didn't know where else to post but allegidly this is true....

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

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I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!" ;)

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Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. :D

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Very good, but probably even older than me :p:

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Paraprosdokians

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I am neither for nor against apathy.

25. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

26. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

27. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

28. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

32. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

33. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

34. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go

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And if you look eight posts above yours.....;)

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So... heero_yuy, are you blonde? ;):p::D

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A gorilla walked into a quiet country pub and putting down a five pound note asked the barman for a pint of best bitter. The barman served him thinking "I bet he's a bit dim" then gave him back .50p in change, then wishing to be friendly said "We don't get many gorillas in here" "I bet you don't" replied the gorilla "If you charge them four pound fifty a pint" :D

(This jokes so old I will have to put the price up to a tenner).....:p:

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Sixth Form science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class;" Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask me such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the School Governors, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted, he asks the class the question again. This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to say to you.

First, it's very clear that you have not done your homework.

Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, one day you are going to be very sadly disappointed." :p:

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Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. With the exception of Mohammed :D

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The waiter said "For starters there's badger soup, followed by roast badger and finishing with badger mousse."
"Is there anything else apart from badger?" I asked.
"No", he replied. "It's a sett menu." :D

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That was terrible :(

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A letter from camp:




Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on
TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags
got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
the mountain searching for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay now. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling
anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow
up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our
clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't
his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster
Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break
down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us
ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and
talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he
is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any
cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to
the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam
was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we
didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so
we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived
into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food
poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with
food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing
his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more
beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my
turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

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"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. "

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Apparently the Newcastle Utd squad are
upset about the new Wonga shirt
sponsorship. But Alan Pardew told them
it's not important, as long as they
just get out on the pitch
and give 4,175 percent.

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Blackberry have brought out a new fail safe anti-theft device.It's called, a Blackberry. :D

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What is 1 metre long Is razor sharp comes from Japan And used by Ninja's to kill their enemies?

A white stick, according to the police. :D