Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sorry Kymmy my fault :-) and heres another joke..

How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? Its Not Hard....

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Who said there were no good story’s in the newspaper anymore!

Attachment 22010

PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager Jack Smith told 'The West Australian' that man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday stuffing a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled out a knife and ran toward the door. Straight into four SAS Troopers who were outside collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Troopers managed to restrain the man, but in the struggle he stabbed one of them, in the back - which upon later inspection by a paramedic turned out not to be too severe.

The suspect was then transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw... Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.

When questioned by the police regarding the state of his injuries, the spokesman for the Troopers commented, "He was just a clumsy b*****d."

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you
found Jesus?'


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Just saw a AA van in the traffic outside, the bloke driving it was crying.
.............I think he's on his way to a breakdown.

:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I had dinner at a classy restaurant last night and chose liquidised rosemary and sage as the starter.

It was absolutely soup herb.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mount Everest?

They ran out of scaffolding...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two parrots sat on a Perch. One turns to the other and say...


"Can you smell fish?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

You're weird.


:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night

The waiter asked,"Have you ever tried frog?"

I said, "I've had a Freddo."

---------- Post added at 15:44 ---------- Previous post was at 15:37 ----------

I've just started a band called 999 megabytes..

We havn't done a gig yet :-x

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.



Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Did you hear the joke about the wall?

You'll never get over it.

---------- Post added at 14:19 ---------- Previous post was at 14:14 ----------

I beat the wife at a game of Scrabble, so she started throwing words at me that begin with TH.

I managed to dodge this, there, and then, but I didn't see that coming.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Nice ones, Chris! :D:LOL::rofl::clap:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What's the difference between a Weasel and a Stoat?

A Weasel is weasely recognised but a Stoat is stoataly different.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove! :-x

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

After Bin Laden's demise the CIA have turned their attention to Celtic FC. On their radar are Bin Diving, Bin Paranoid, Bin Greetin, Bin Stealing, Bin Lying and Bin Offended By Everything since 1888. Bin Workin and Bin Honest are not linked to this club. Manager Neil Lennon was not available for comment as he was away Bin shafted in inverness!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Apparently, a member of the 'Gers, Bin Bankrupted, is also being investigated.....

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

and who said u cant take a bin out on a bank holiday :-x

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

apparently, bin men are collecting at the bottom of the sea

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Irish army joined in the USA operation on Monday. They stormed Debenhams when they heard that 'summer bed linen' was on the third floor.

---------- Post added at 20:13 ---------- Previous post was at 19:32 ----------

A man was sitting on the sofa with his can of Carlsberg while his wife watched the TV. "I love you." said the man. The wife looked over and said, "Was that you or the beer talking?" The man replied "It was me... talking to my beer."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man was in the supermarket with his wife when he realised he had lost sight of her. He was looking for her when he came across another man obviously in the same predicament. Tell you what he said. Let's look for our wives together to make it easier. What does your wife look like?" The other man said, "Well, she's about 6 ft tall, very slim with 38DD breasts. She has long blond hair and is very pretty. She's wearing a micro skirt, a sleeveless low cut top, no bra and 6 inch heels. What does your wife look like?" The man thinks for a moment and says. "...We'll just look for yours, eh."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

---Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?”
The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?”
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Old Chinese proverb: "man who walks through door sideways with erection is going to bangkok"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, an Iranian, a Croat, A Dane, a Frenchman, a German, a Russian,a NewZealander, an Australian, a Philipino, an American and a Canadian were waiting to enter a restaurant when the Maitre' d said "You cannot come in without a Thai"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Nice. Long-winded, but nice :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.

Of course, one broom was the bride-broom...the other the groom- broom.

The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom- broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

At the reception following the ceremony, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "We're going to have a little whisk broom!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom-broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself...this is going to hurt!






"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Nice! That one's a keeper.

(Cut 'n' pasted into my "notes" file)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Dirty Laundry

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
:shocked:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Met a transvestite last night who had a really great positive view on life.

He loves to just eat, drink and be Mary :-D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded,rural area of Georgia.After spending a great evening,chatting the night away,John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,eggs and toast.However,John noticed a film-like subtance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.Just you go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again,John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, " Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before,Sonny,those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.Now don't you fret,I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon,John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted....."COLDWATER, go lay down!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Haha, but also... ewww :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The rules from the male side.

1) Men are not mind readers. (The first and foremost rule)
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up - put it down. We need it up - you need it down. You don't hear us complaining if you leave it down.
3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Just let it be.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
6) 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days.
9) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
10) If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry - we meant the other one.
11) You can ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, then just do it yourself.
12) Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
13) Christopher Columbus did not need directions. Neither do we.
14) All men see in only 16 colours. Like a Window's default setting. 'Peach' is a fruit not a colour. 'Pumpkin' is also a fruit. We have no idea what 'mauve' is.
15) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16) If we ask what is wrong and you say' nothing' we will act as if nothing is wrong. We know you're lying but it's just not worth the hassle.
17) If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18) When we have to out somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine - honestly.
19) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket and rugby.
20) You have enough clothes.
21) You have too many shoes.
22) I am in shape. 'Round' is a shape.

Yes, I know I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. Don't mind though. It's like camping, really.
'Sigh' Expect a full blooded response from the girlies.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I got so fed up of everyone at work saying my watch made me look gay that I now ignore them.

I wouldn't even give them the time of day.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

This young man buys his 90 year old Grandfather the services of a call girl.The girl arrives and says, 'Hi! I'm here to give you Super Sex,'
'Oh, thank you,' replies the old man. 'I'll have the Soup please.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Or pay for a Tivo ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Okay Carlwaring. You got me. What on earth is a 'Tivo'?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A wee lad was crying his eyes out in a hugh shopping centre one day.
"What's the matter?" asked a policeman.
"I've lost my Dad," cried the little boy.
"What's he like?" asked the copper.
"Beer,Women and Fags." said the little boy.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What's made of rubber and mists up all of your windows?


Condomsation

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

That's a good one ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

After a morning stroll the three bears head for the kitchen to see if their breakfast had cooled down.
"Sombody's eaten my porridge." cries the baby bear.
"And somebody's eaten my porridge," exclaims the mother bear.
"Stuff the porridge!" yells the father bear. "Where's the ****** DVD player?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two guys were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One said to the other, 'That there gal is having a bad time!'

The other agreed and said, 'Think we should go help?

'You bet,' said the first, and with that he ran over and asked, 'Can you breathe?'

She shook her head, 'No!'

He said, 'Can you speak?'

She again shook her head, 'No!'

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young lady that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Back to his friend, he said, 'Funny how that Hind Lick Manoeuver always works!'

:shocked::D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Neil Lennon had to call in the Police yesterday to deal with a suspicious package none of the players could identify in the dressing rooms at Hampden!

Thankfully it turned out to be a trophy. ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

COSHH DATA SHEET - WOMAN. (COSSH is a UK directive to control hazardous substances)

ANALYSIS.

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO2
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg but known to vary between 45kg and 225kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantites in all urban areas with trace elements found in all others.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.

1. Surface is usually covered in powder or painted film
2. Boils at nothing. Freezes for no reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various grades from virginal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied gently to selected points

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and most precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously for no reason
4. Softens to a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
5. Activity greatly increases with saturation in alcohol
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when discovered in it's natural state
2. Turns green when placed next to a better specimen

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Imogen Thomas has just announced she has got a record deal.
Not bad given she's only been doing Giggs in Manchester.

:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Whats red and bad for the teeth?

A Brick!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last".......
:shocked::)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The latest statistics show that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy. ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Imagine the scene, Mr Albert Postlethwaite from Pontefract is in the hot seat to win five thousand pounds on a television game show.

It is the last question with the prize hanging on the correct answer.

Presenter: "Albert - you've chosen the question on sport and for five thousand pounds, can you please give me four summer Olympic events beginning with TH"?

Albert: " aye lad there's TH'op skip and jump, TH'underd meters sprint, TH'urdles and't TH'ammer!

Sigh..............................!

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What do u call a Monkey that keeps exploding?

A Ba-boom!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so slow, that he could get one over on them very easily.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pounds note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.

After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him £500.

The senior pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in South Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

It makes you proud to be British.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A drunk goes into a bar and the barman says what are you having?
"A double whisky please!" the barman hands it over,the drunk downs it then turns to leave."OI," Says the barman,"thats £3 please"
"no,you said what are you haveing and in pub terms thats like offering to buy me a drink"
"shut up and give me £3" says the barman.Theres a lawyer sat at the bar and he says to the barman "thechnicaly your customer is right!!!!"
"ok" says the barman"get your coat,leave and never come back"
The next day the same customer comes in and the barman says "get out,your barred"
"but i have never been here before in my life" says the drunk.
"you were in here yesterday trying to con me so go!!"
"i swear on my life i have never been here before"says the drunk.
"well in that case you must have a double"says the barman
"ok,thanks ill have a whiskey" says the drunk.

:erm::)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

"I know a guy who used to love camping."

"Used to?"

"Yeah, he's past tents."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I wonder if that's the same guy who used to love tractors but not anymore.

He's an ex-tractor fan.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

With the prices of tents so high forecasters in the econemy warn we may be heading into a winter of Discount Tent.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A doctor examines a woman and takes her husband aside.
'I don't want to alarm you,' he says, 'but I don't like the way your wife looks,'
'Me neither,doctor,' says her husband.'But she's a great cook and real good with the kids.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Which indigestion tablets make the best comedy double act?

The Two Rennies.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two cannibals are having dinner.'Your wife makes a great roast,' says one.
'I know,' says the other,'but I'm going to miss her.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees i thought she was joking.

And then i saw her face..

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Now your a believer.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I was absolutely devastated when I discovered that my wife was having an affair. Turning to religion gave me the comfort I so desperately needed at this most traumatic time in my life - It was then that I became a Muslim.

The stoning of the cheating adulterous bitch is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock.

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

There's an old couple sitting in church. The woman turns to her husband and says, "I just ripped a silent fart! What should I do?"

The husband replies, "Put a battery in your hearing aid."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Whilst driving yesterday I saw a banner over the road saying 'The Influence.'

damn cops then pulled me over for driving under it.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Baby Airplanes:

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
"Did your mom tell you to ask me?" :erm:
The boy said, "Yes she did." :)

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that we have no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time. :erm:

Your mom will explain that to you." :D

Sigh.......................!

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales;
Lloysthwycyyrigridarbrewwthh... sorry there was a hair in my mouth.

I went to Swansea.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" :cry:

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place...................!



The grass is almost a foot high" :D

At John F. Kennedy International Airport today
 

New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.

According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network.

He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Re: At John F. Kennedy International Airport today
 

Lol it was a calculated move, the arresting officers summed up the situation very well before taking measures to remove him. :D:D:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I went to a Karate Club the other day and got into a fight with a Black Belt. Then i started on some coats.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

My boss came out into the office and said to me, "If you're going to fart, make sure you go to the toilet."

So on my next fart I followed through.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I was at the Bank Cash Point today and an old man asked me to help check his balance... So I pushed him! I'm always willing to help! ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man walks into the Doctors:

Doctor, Doctor, help me! I'm addicted to Twitter.

Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A lady stopped me as I walked past the bus stop today.

She said, "How much are buses these days?"

I said, "Sorry love I don't know, at a guess I'd say probably about £350,000 for a double decker."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I just knocked on my neighbours door and said, "Have you got any condoms?"

He said, "I've got piles."

I said, "Sorry to hear that mate, have you got any condoms?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Maybe he thought you were making a pass at him and it was his way of saying your not his type. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Too soon?

What's difference between Mark Duggan & Peter Crouch?

A. Crouch never set Tottenham alight

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

i would have thought the Mods wouldnt have stopped so low.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I've just seen an 80's soul singer running down the high street carrying a 42" plasma TV.

I swear it was Looter Vandros

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Derek mate, find somebody else to get your jokes off. the one you are using is crap :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

whats 9 inches long and keeps a woman happy for ages?

an iron :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

They'll love mine then. it's 11 inches long. if you include the base.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Mine is quite old and dribbles a lot.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Dear Santa,

dont ****ing bother coming this year.

I've got loads of stuff already.

Delroy

Age 9

Tottenham

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sorry about the caps. that's how I was sent it.


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.



IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.



IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT.



IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.


IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.



IF YOU CROSS THE UK BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENCE, NATIONAL INSURANCE CARD,
WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, BILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE, THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOUP ROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT FROM THE BRITISH AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

That Job is as old as the hills!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Harry Redknapp has pulled over on the A406 to give an interview to a speed camera.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, Librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

MC Hammer opened up his new herb shop this weekend.
Hammer's Thyme.

Funny stories
 

Smart Student

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

:p:

---------- Post added at 13:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:42 ----------

Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

---------- Post added at 13:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:43 ----------

The Smart Blonde

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

---------- Post added at 13:44 ---------- Previous post was at 13:43 ----------

Technical Support

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.

Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.

Anyway, the following call came in:

Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"

Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?"
Customer: "Yes, there is."
Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know."

Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day."
Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"

Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord."
Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."

At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.

Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?"
Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."

I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.

Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?"

Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

[Mod Edit - post moved to appropriate thread]

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Theoretically v realistic!

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says, "Right-o son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! Mums says she would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question." The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, Sister says that she said she would too"!

So then his dad says: "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds. "The little lad comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid - Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof." :D


-------------------------- And another one ---------------------------
Lucky or what

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship hit an old world war two mine and promptly sank. :cry:

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. :angel: :Yikes:

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" :Yikes:


She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." :)

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." :confused:

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." :)

"But, where did you get the tools?" :confused:

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron which I used that to make tools and the hardware." :)

The guy is stunned. :shocked:

"Let's row over to my place," she says. :)

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please - Would you like a drink?" :)

"No - No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." :(

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still - How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" ;) :beer:

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable - feel free to take a shower and a shave, there's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." :)

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next I wonder?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months, you must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. :kiss:

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.......................................!










"You've built a Golf Course ???????" :shocked:

Sigh....................................!

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

My Dad walked through the door this morning.

I Told him to use the handle next time.

---------- Post added at 19:25 ---------- Previous post was at 19:18 ----------

2 Footballers wives walk into a lift where an old lady was already standing.

One of the wives said have you smelled my new scent its by Calvin Klein and costs £50 per 25ml.

The Second wife replies thats nothing smell mine it is by Chanel and costs £80 per 25ml.

With that the old lady farts and said well mine is called Sprouts by Tesco and costs 99p per pound.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Family guy fart song episode!!! LOL!!!