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SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON DISCOVER AN UNUSUAL PAINTING
One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting. At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth. "What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe. "It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes. |
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Whilst on holiday in Beijing China a young English man an his group of friends decide to hit the town. After consuming a very large quantity of the local booze :beer::drunk: he ends up in a brothel where he samples the delights of the local girls. :luv::romance::kiss::naughty:
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to the local STD clinic. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Penile sock rot. "It's extremely rare and almost unheard of here in the UK, so rare in fact that we know little or nothing about it and I'm sorry to say that we're going to have to amputate your penis. :shocked: The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not - no way! I want a second opinion.' :mad: The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but I can assure you that surgery is your only choice.' :erm: The next day after trawling through the yellow pages - no pun intended, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian Penile sock rot. Vely lare disease.' :D The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? The STD clinic doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!' :( The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!' :D Oh, Thank God for that - I was really worried!' the man replies. 'No ploblem widda surgery,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. drop off by itself!' :D :Yikes: |
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A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die.
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven. Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!" |
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How do u make a pig fly?
Start with a 3ft zipper :-D |
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The police are looking for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles, the police say the culprit is following a pattern and that enquiries are proving difficult because he comes from a tight knit community. He also broke into a hairdressers, police are combing the area.
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The following squads have just been announced for the 2010 World Cup
BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Pinnochio Libero Vimto ++++ Memento ++++ Borneo ++++ Tango Cheerio ++++ Subbuteo Scenario ++++ Fellatio Portfolio SUBS: Placebo Porno Polio Banjo Brasso Stereo (L) Stereo (R) Hydrochlorofluoro Aristotle Computersezno YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Itch Annoyingitch ++++ Hardtoreachitch ++++ Scratchanitch Hic ++++ Sic ++++ Spic ++++ Pric Digaditch ++++ Fallinaditch Horseraditch SUBS: Mowapitch Letsgetrich Rideabitch RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Whodyanicabolicov Ticlycov ++++ Chesticov ++++ Nasticov Slalomsky ++++ Downhillsky Riski ++++ Swedishshev ++++ Mastershev Vuckov ++++ UVuckov SUBS: Rubitov Gechakitov Sodov Pastryshev Najinsky Nakkerov Taykitov ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Chatanoogaciouciou Atishiou ++++ Blessiou ++++ Thankyiou Busqueue ++++ Snookercu Pennyciou ++++ Twoapennyciou ++++ Fourapennyciou Eyellgetciou ++++ Youandwhosarmi SUBS: U NonU ManU Stuffyiou Lee Kwan Yu DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Toomanigoalssen Tryandstopussen ++++ Crapdefenssen ++++ Haveagossen Firstsson ++++ Seccondsson Thirdsson Legshurtssen ++++ Notroubleseeingussen Wherestheballssen ++++ Getthebeerssen SUBS: Howmanygoalsisthatssen Finallygaveupcountinssen Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Baloni Potbelli ++++ Beerbelli ++++ Giveitsumwelli Wotsontelli ++++ Yrarseissmelli ++++ Onetoomani Legslikejelli ++++ Havabenni Wobblijelli ++++ Spendapenni SUBS: Cantthinkofani!!! Buggermi MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 San Francisco Costa Brava ++++ Bluddiopelez ++++ Juan kher Manuel Gearbox Don Criformi-Argentina ++++ Skrewdigalz ++++ Luis Canon ++++ Sombrero Chihuahua ++++ Jose SUBS: Jesus Maria Don Key Burrito Speedy Gonzalez Tequila Caramba DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Kenning van Hire Van Diemansland ++++ Van der Valk ++++ Van Gard ++++ Van Erealdizeez Ad van Tagus ++++ Hertz van Rental ++++ Transit van Dors Van Coova ++++ Van Sprokendown ++++ Aye van Hoe SUBS: Van Iller Van Ishincreme Van Morrison GERMANY SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010 Schitz Fuchen ++++ knutz ++++ Gassenfharter ++++ Aschlicher Schitzenfester ++++ Blauenfharter ++++ Schmalfharter ++++ Bichhfharter Pitsse ++++ Wasserpitsse Schnitzlepooper SUBS: Schnell Badgutz Unterfharter Schtinken Geldwasser Brattwurst Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor. There is no place in the Dutch squad for les bian tranny, Dick van Dyke. The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke. Si thee :Sprint: |
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper." |
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I always though my girlfriend was Polish, then I discovered it took her a whole week to Hoover the apartment.
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I crashed into one of them new skodas the other day!!!!!!!,, there was jam and cake everywhere!!!!
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right." |
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Probably posted a million times but ...
`When you`ve had an I hate my job day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand!. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the Reading material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: It Says........... "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company . Have a nice day folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours:D |
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I was at a party last night
and the DJ played that song 'Oh sit down by James'... So we all sat down... He then played 'Jump around'.... We all jumped around. Then he put on 'Come on Eileen'... I got kicked out! |
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The Queen’s Lovechild The Queen, (to the Footman) This telephone is broken; tell my Press Secretary he must improve the breakdown in communications. Footman, (to No.2) Tell him she’s angry the phone is on the blink. No.2 (to No.3) Tell him she’s angry with B.T. No.3 (to No.4) She’s wild about Warren Beatty. No.4 (to No.5) Yes, a love child with Warren. No.5 (to Press Secretary) Her Majesty’s had a child with Warren Mitchell. Press Secretary (to No.5) Tell her I’ll handle it myself. No.5 (to No.4) He’s going to hold the baby. No.4 (to No.3) He’s been left holding the baby. No.3 (to No.2) She’s abandoned it. No.2 (to Footman) He’s let her off the hook. Footman (to the Queen) You’ve left it off the hook Ma’am. The Queen reading the headlines the next day, it reads, “Queen abandons Warren Mitchell’s love child.” And she said, “Good God! Where do they get this load of old rubbish?” |
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These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need i t up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1.. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports. 1. You have enough clothes. 1 .. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. |
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The importance of punctuation.
My Thai bride says I am well endowed. Sorry, I forgot my punctuation. My Thai bride says, “I am well endowed”. |
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The vicar said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The vicar went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the vicar. The vicar went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the vicar. The vicar then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, Vicar, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. What happened?" inquired the vicar. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the vicar. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Homebase any more either." |
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch".
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of a certain shopkeeper, the young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch myself an alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature between the eyes and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and finally managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration..... Spoiler:
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An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets:
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Watford . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Watford. By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic manager at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAAsecured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses. The traders and managers are given huge annual bonuse and payrises, spending these on new houses, cars, and holidays. One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs. Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers. Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers. Now, do you understand? |
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Blonde paint job A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." ---------- Post added 13-06-2010 at 00:30 ---------- Previous post was 12-06-2010 at 23:57 ---------- A 12 inch ___ Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" "Yes, right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will" the genie replies. The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?" |
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When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was reduced to the use of 4-letter words, used by the common potty mouths of today's society. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Bengamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." Replied Disraeli, "That depends, Sir, on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx. Si thee :Sprint: |
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Doctor to the patient
"Are you an organ donor?" Patient "No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army." |
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In a pub quiz the other day I lost by two points. One question was where do women mostly have curly hair? - Apparently, it's Africa!
The other question was to name two things commonly found in cells, could have sworn that Scousers and Pikeys was the correct answer! I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name. George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven." The wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker! There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Hartlepool but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets! Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross said "although I had enough money on me at the time, it was a whisk I was prepared to take". Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagen. That's enough for now, sigh............................................! Si thee :Sprint: |
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A quiz for Police Officers:
“You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?” British POLICE OFFICER’S Answer: ” Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an H&S approved fashion? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999, would they just send me a taxi? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself? Will the tax payer – or me- have to foot the bill for his claim if I injure him? If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be offending his family, ethnic background or religious group if I wound or kill him? Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him? “ ———————————————————————- Australian Officer’s Answer: BANG! American Officer’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. Click (sound of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! |
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A man goes into a restaurant, where all the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order; "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "erm, mate, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'". |
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BP have announced the appointment of Rob Green as their new CEO, a spokesman said "He is the perfect person for the position, he is an expert at spillage and has already earned a reputation for helping Americans through a tough time"
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....Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo cube with a red cross on it in support of the England team. Its called the laughing stock. ;)
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I don't know why everyone is criticising Heskey. I think he's been solid in defence for Algeria.
If you can't beat 'em . . . . join the England squad, you'll fit right in. |
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The Brazilian rainforest has almost gone, all thats left is a thin strip down the middle.
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Any members want to buy a 50" plasma TV for £75? The volume button doesn't work, but you can't turn it down at that price!
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An eminent Japanese Professor has discovered after extensive research that there are two size ranges of penis (class one - above two inches and class two - 2 inches or smaller when erect) amongst UK men.
In order to maximise on the statistical analysis, the professor had appealed for help to continue his research. In view of this, he asked (several weeks ago) whether all men in the UK who fall into the class two category make themselves known over a six week period by flying a white flag with a red cross from their vehicles and (if possible) displaying the same flags at their homes and work locations? The result of this analysis (so far) indicates that class two is (in fact) the norm and not class one as originally thought - the analysis continues! Well I never! Si thee :Sprint: |
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Strangely he also reported that in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland there are no class two men.Only in England
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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. :erm:
Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' :dozey: She did this faithfully for several months and to her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs:cleader:! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. :shocked: Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?' 'Yes I am... she said How did you know?' He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock ..." ;) Si thee :Sprint: |
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Nicked from another forum, all credit to the o/p.
A woman sitting in the pub ate a peanut, then began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent she was in real distress. two locals - Bluey and Bazza were sitting at the next table. Bluey leant over and asked "can ya swallow, love?" The distressed woman violently shook her head. "Can ya breathe?" The woman again shook her head and started to turn blue in the face. with that, bluey stood, walked behind her and lifted the back of her dress. He yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up an down the crack of her ass. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his schooner of beer. Bazza grinned, "I'd heard of the Hind Lick Manoeuvre, mate, but thats the first time i ever seen somebody do it." |
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked. "Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?" Cowboy: "Well, I can think of one thing - on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman, so I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled - Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed and replied "That indeed is of merit - When did this happen?' Cowboy:....... "Couple of minutes ago." |
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IRISH PICK UP LINE
An Irish man walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?' The Irish man explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The Irish man smiles, taps his watch and says, .........' Bloody thing's an hour fast!' |
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Very mysterious guy in that last post who changed from Irish to Aussie and back to Irish ;)
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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet guys ?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and the local beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English either - they're so arrogant and rude." "Well if you feel like that, then why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim ever gets to drive." Sigh...............................! Si thee :Sprint: |
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Nice one bw. Passed on to my colleagues, including a Canadian. :D
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They could have gone instead to Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Ireland or Japan :wtf:
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Or Cyprus....
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. . I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. |
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the
mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them . Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'. Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress is still trying to track where the money went from the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline, which is now outsourced, and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck |
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I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.
It's my screen saviour. :D |
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she always spent hours just rubbing his testicles, something she always loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her "Why do you love doing that?" "Because I really miss mine" she replied..... |
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:LOL:
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A mature woman (married for over 20 years) had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. One being recently engaged, the other a mistress.
They were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing only a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet a week later to exchange notes. A week later they met up and compared each other's experience. The engaged friend, started by saying "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. when he saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long". :D With this, the mistress said "me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. :D After this the two single ladies turned to the married woman and said "well how did it go for you then?" The woman replied, "When my husband came home, there I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door he stopped dead in his tracks, wide eyed he stared at me for what seemed like an eternity, :shocked: then said......, "What's for tea Zorro?" :rolleyes: |
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Thomas The Tank Engine
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added........... 'For those of you who are p***ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen. |
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I found a DVD in the cupboard in the garage I used to work at entitled 'Bald and Barely Legal'. chuffed with my find I put the disc in my pocket and went home.
I put the disc in the player, sat there with a big smile on my face. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a Department of Transport DVD about tyre tread depths. |
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A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is." |
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Last weekend, I was sitting outside my local pub, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about myself, when a nun suddenly appears at my table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" she shouted at me. Now I got pretty annoyed about this, and went on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" I said. The nun said "My Mother Superior told me so." I replied "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" She said "Don't be ridiculous. Of course I have never taken alcohol myself." I then said to her "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drink for life." She thought about this for a moment, and said "How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "Well", I said, "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The nun reluctantly agreed, so I went inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks" I said. Then I lowered my voice and said to the barman, "Could you put the vodka in a teacup?" He looked at me, and said "Oh no! It's not that Nun again, is it?" |
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A husband says to his wife,
"darling what would you do if I won the National Lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half, then leave you you miserable git." He replies "oh really- well you'll never guess what??" "You've actually won - oh my god - how much" she replies excitedly. To which he then says - "ten quid - here's a fiver - now **** off!" :D Si thee |
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The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b***s. |
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An elderly gentleman is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: "All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven." The old man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. "I got out of my car, walked up to one of the bikers, who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds, and I told him that abusing and harassing a woman was a cowardly act and I won't tolerate it. Then I reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the groin to make my point." St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?” The old man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.” |
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A bloke is taking a pee down a lane when a Copper spots him.
"Oi Guvnor, you cant do that here!!! It'll cost you a 45 quid fine." The bloke gives him a 50 quid note and the Cop says: "But I haven't any change" "No worries, you can keep it," says the bloke..."cos I dropped a couple of farts as well...." |
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It's a really hot day and a golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water for a drink from a Highland burn on the famous golf course at St Andrews .
Suddenly, a groundskeeper shouts: 'Whaya doin ya daf begga - dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shy't an pish!' The golfer replies: 'Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in proper English, please!?' The keeper replies: 'Aye - I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way! Si thee :Sprint: |
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A man goes to see his doctor
"I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'" he says. The doctor says "You've got Tom Jones syndrome" "Is that common?" the man asks "It's not unusual" the doctor replies. "Is it life threatening?" queries the man. "Only if your partner is called Delilah" says the doctor. |
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British thought for the day:
A recent study conducted by Oxford University found that the average Briton walks around 900 miles a year. :erm: Another study by the British Medical Association found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. :erm: This means, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes You proud to be British doesn't it! ;) Sigh..............................! |
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A long married couple were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
He said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.” “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked. He replied “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jackass using all my stuff.” She looked at him and said: “What makes you think I’d want to marry another jackass?” :Sprint: |
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REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END ———————————————— ——————— UK GOVERNMENT VERSION The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing ‘We shall overcome’. Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ‘fair share’ and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London . In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain ‘s apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers’ drug ‘illness’. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain ‘s multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom . The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END |
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A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.' The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.' As he walked off down the street, he heard squealling and then noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats ran past the man and promptly jumped into the water and were all drowned. The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' 'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a pair of illegal immigrants, an Arsenal supporter, and anything French!' :D Sigh..............................! Si thee :Sprint: |
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A very obese man - after a night at his local boozer decides to have a light snack before he goes home. After leaving the chippy with a tray full of chips, mushy peas and two steak pies he decides to eat them outside whilst waiting for a cab.
After a few minutes - aware that he is being watched he turns around to see a homeless man (sitting in shop a doorway) staring intensely at him. The obese man stares back and says "eahh whatcha lookin at mate?" The homeless man replies "you with all of that stuff you're eatin" To which the obese man replies "so - what's your problem then"? The homeless man replies "I haven't eaten in ten days and I've managed to lose two stone because of it" To which the obese man replies: . . . . . . . . "Good on yer mate - could do with some of your will power" Sigh.......................................! Si thee :Sprint: |
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During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon” When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. Credits to Original Poster. |
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A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada.
He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.’Who’s he?’ said the scouser. ‘That’s the Memory Man.’ said the bartender. ‘He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.’ So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks ‘Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’. ‘Liverpool’ replies the Memory Man. ‘Who did they beat?’ ‘Leeds’ was the reply. ‘And the score?’ ’2-1′ ‘Who scored the winning goal?’ ‘Ian St. John’ was the old man’s reply. The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting ‘How’. The Memory man replied…..’Diving header in the six yard box’. |
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A Polish immigrant went to the DLVA to apply for a driver's license.
of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. the Polish guy replied, "I know this guy." ---------- Post added 26-12-2010 at 00:14 ---------- Previous post was 25-12-2010 at 23:56 ---------- In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke." |
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. :cool:
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" :o: The bar immediately falls deathly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke Cowboy - given that you are blind and all, I'm gonna cut you some slack and tell you five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The lady guarding the front door is a blonde. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a champion wrestler. 'Now that you know - think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' With this the blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters: "Hell no...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....." |
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I asked my missus, "What do you want for your birthday, fatty?"
She said, "Don't get lippy." Mascara it is then. |
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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Heathrow airport when a stunningly beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and recites the Delta Airlines motto: "We love to fly and it shows". :erm: The woman looks at him blankly. Obviously that didn't work so he sits back and thinks up another line. Within a few seconds he leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world". :erm: Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time uttering the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations". :erm: The woman looks at him sternly and says; "What the f*** do you want?" :mad: "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair" Si thee :Sprint: |
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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." |
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New goverment tax rules
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Are YOU insured for sex?
SEX with your wife - legal & general SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union SEX on the telephone - Direct line SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy SEX in a hurry- Insure & go SEX with your boyfriend -standard life SEX with a transvestite - confused . com SEX with some one different - go compare . com SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat . com SEX with a fat bird - More Than SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels SEX with an o.a.p - saga SEX with a posh bird - privilege .com SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union |
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The bosses at old trafford are feeling the pinch too and have had to lay off 15 staff.
The 5 referees and their 10 assistants are said to be devastated!! |
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I`m in trouble with the wife, she asked me what i`d most like to do with her body?
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I thought that for a Laugh, I`d take the Bathroom bulb out and replace my wifes Tampons with Party Poppers!;)
Even on the way to Hospital she still couldn`t see the funny side of it.! :erm::D No sense of humour some people. If this is too risque, could a Mod remove it please. Thanks. |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......." |
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Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife.
I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she says "Remember, you have a wife." |
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One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!' 'Listen mate, don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid ... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'. So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.... Thank you for shopping at Tesco ************************************************** ******************** |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Cold Weather Warning
The Government have issued a warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following: Shovel Blankets or sleeping bag Extra clothing including hat and gloves 24 hours worth of food De-Icer Rock Salt Tyre Chains Torch or lantern with spare batteries Road Flares or Reflective Triangles Spare Can of Petrol or Diesel First Aid Kit Jump Leads ....I looked a right prat on the bus this morning! Si thee :Sprint: |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
I went to a Chinese Karaoke bar last night.
Everybody clapped as 2 chefs came out of the kitchen to sing a Queen song. They Sang "We Will Wok You". |
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A top London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Caledonian cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!
Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop, licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll gladly give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket -if not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket and stop wasting my time." Glasgow cop says, "Aye sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop then takes out his baton and proceeds to start beating the stuffing out of the lawyer. London Lawyer says, "what the hell are you doing"? Glasgow cop says, "Now sir, dae ye want me to stop - or just slow doon?" Si thee :Sprint: |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Having fake teeth.
That'll denture confidence |
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My daughter was going out clubbing last night wearing a little tiny tight dress.
My wife who was leaving for work said "You're going nowhere dressed like that young lady!" I said "Your mum's right, dressed like that you're staying here with me!" :) :D |
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'Wolfgang Mozart!' said Mozart's friend
'What?' said Mozart And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves. |
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Why did the clock phone the ruler? Because Desperate Times call for Desperate measures!!!
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Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer? :erm: Answer: Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and charges. :mad: You are carrying a Glock .40 pistol, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? :erm: BRITISH POLICE OFFICER'S Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999? If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself and would his family sue me for damages? . If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home? :erm: AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer: BANG! :cool: AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'.... Woops - looks like I've run out of ammo - hey nice grouping! :cool:;) Si thee :Sprint: |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Lol - yup, that sounds about right! :D
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You must have a memory like an elephant! :D Si thee :Sprint: |
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I'm in the doghouse with my wife.
There's not enough room for both of us, I dunno why we bothered. |
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