Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

'WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!'

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her then tied a pillow around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson ...






'They are treating me very well thank you. The only problem is that they won't let me fart.'

Sigh.....................................!

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A drunk bloke came upon a geezer looking under the bonnet of his car.
"What's the matter?" mumbled the drunk. "Oh,piston broke," replied the motorist."
"Yeah,me too," replied the drunk.:)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Remove card, rotate card and Re-insert the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check make up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

Simples! :D

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I went to visit my doctor after a lifetime of wine,women and song.'Well,' said the doctor, 'the good news is that you dont have to give up singing.' :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Rod and Todd were on holiday in the United States and went to see Niagara Falls.Over drinks one night,Rod bet Todd $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope.After a very scary trip Todd managed to carry him safely at the far end and Rod handed over the $500."Pity," said Rod, "When you wobbled half way across I was sure I had won." :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Creative puns for smart minds


1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher b acked into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Dont join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and five litres of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said as he rearranged everything and then proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your wicked way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, five litres of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. :D

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Danny walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks drunk,Danny started to leave.
'Excuse me,' Said the landlord,who was puzzled over what Danny had done. 'What was that all about?'
'Nothing,' said Danny,'My wife just sent me for a jar of olives.' :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Judge - Is this the first time you've been up before me ?

Defendant - I don't know,your Honour,what time do you usually get up?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

As there is still much talking about MJ i wish to share with you a joke i have recently heard about him:

- What does King of Pop mean?
- Pervert on pills...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I came home from the pub last night and said to the wife,there is a rumour going round that our milkman has slept with every woman in this street apart from one.I bet it's that snooty cow at number 21 she replied. :shocked: :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

This is the story of four people named Everybody,Somebody,Anybody,and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.Anybody could have done it,but Nobody did it.Somebody got angry about that,because it was Everybody's job.Everybody thought Anybody could do it,but Nobody realized Everybody wouldn't do it.Consequently,it wound up that Nobody told Anybody,so Everybody blamed Somebody. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I once do a man called Eenus and thats where good taste ends lol lol

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A young woman took her dad (84) to the mall to to buy some new shoes.

As they were feeling hungry, they decided to grab a bite at the cafeteria.

She noticed her dad was watching a teenager sitting near to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, purple, yellow and blue.

Her dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would glance over and notice him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' :mad:

Knowing her Dad, the daughter quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on her dad's response.

And in classic style he did not disappoint her with his response:

'Sure did, got stoned once on LSD and scr***d a dude's peacock at a posh gig - I was just wondering if you might by my son.'

:shocked:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

LOL, very good! :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I seem to remember a character in "The Dukes of Hazard" called Eenus, he was one of two deputy sheriff's, but even more amusing was his partners name...Cleetus.
Those southern families certainly have some strange names.:)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

It was Enos and Cletus.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Well,Sox,said the doctor.I can't quite diagnose your case.I think it must be the drink.
Sure,that all right,doctor,I replied,I know how you feel.I'll come back when your sober.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'


6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'


7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'


9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'


10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'


11. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'

---------- Post added at 18:57 ---------- Previous post was at 18:56 ----------

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'- She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER'- She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'


3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND'- She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITYIMPAIRED.'


7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY'- She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.'


8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'


9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'


11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'


12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Rod asked Todd how he got his black eye.
'You'd never believe it,' said Todd, ' but I got it in church.'
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
'All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me.' said Paddy.
A week later Rod was surprised to see Todd had another black eye.
'I got this one in church,too,' said Todd
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
'My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out.But I knew she didn't like that,so I leaned over and tucked it back in.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, lunch will be provided as will instructions on how to take lunch from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.

Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS/ BOTTLES; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation and anger management

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Role playing and slide show

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
(male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Can`t remember if i`ve posted these before but if i have, sorry!

Subject: Irish Sausages!

"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?"
asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? demanded the Irishman indignantly. Or, if I asked for
German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? then, warming to
his theme, he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well no".

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps
it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me
if I was French?

What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because
I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: "Because you're in f**king Homebase."

MENOPAUSE JEWELLRY
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've
discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a
bad mood, it leaves a big ****in' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next
time he'll buy me a diamond.
********.!!!!

:)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into there mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as "E`by`gum" :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on holiday for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right. I asked my dad if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when BAM clear as day, right in my Kitchen I catch my father red handed with his meat in my GF.

I was furious and told him in no uncertain terms to get his meat out of GF and GTFO!

Needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF out.

Now it's been 2 weeks that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my dad had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been, when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more. Should I get off the computer and start swinging at him?

OR

Pack my stuff and be on my way.

Here's pics of my GF for you lot as I know you'll ask.

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/3034/85743524.jpg

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!" :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.' Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire'missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss....and probably nae be a f*cking accident either! :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I was suprised to hear that Johnathan Ross was arrested for stealing Kitchen Utensels from M&S.... He said afterwards "It was a whisk i was prepared to take"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Put yourself in the corner for that. :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

was it that bad? lol

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Yes.:p:

Almost as bad as this one

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What about this one....

What u call a woman standing between 2 goal posts?
Anette

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Can somebody slap him with a fish, before I continue groaning? :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Chip walks into a bar and says, Ill have a pint of lager please barman, the barman says "Sorry we dont serve food in here" lol

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

That joke is as good as:

An old man walked into a bar.
Funeral's Tuesday.

And yet, i still laughed.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

One straight from Chris Addison's Twitter feed.

"Good news: My company branched out into manufacturing blenders. Bad news: It's gone into liquidation. I said.. Is this on? [taps microphone]"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other i hope u can drive this thing lol

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said,'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and football and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

That rings so many bells there.

Don't think I ought to share it with the wife though...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

FIFA President Sepp Blatter confirmed today that the world football organisation is conducting trials to improve player discipline by introducing a naughty corner where referees could order a player to stand for up to ten minutes. :dunce:

Under the scheme yellow-carded players must go at once to the nearest corner and stand in the quadrant facing the flag. Asked whether the player might be subjected to abuse by opposing fans, Blatter said that this shouldn’t happen, as it was very important that everyone pretend he is not on the pitch, by not speaking to him, to show how upset his friends are about his behaviour. :erm:

Keith Hackett, refereeing supremo for the English FA, commented that it was an innovative idea which made perfect sense, commenting ‘I always wondered what those little arcs in the corner were for’. :dozey:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,
'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife 'So I just switched the heads.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why can't you borrow money from a Leprechaun ?



Because they're always a little short :o:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

It happens to us all in the end, sigh .......................!

An elderly gentleman.... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

*

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants..'

**

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

***

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

****

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
Is she a good cook?'
'No, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

*****

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

******

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

*******

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

********

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Si thee :Sprint:

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<Removed>

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

tell it me in PM dude im intrigued now lol

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That means I've got to type it all out again :)

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lol no worries then

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I've PM'd you it.

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This is an exerpt from the New York Times...We need more "victims" like Alex!
The Add Was Posted to Craig in the Personals


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. In view of this, I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Crime (sometimes) can be entertaining - can't it.

Si Thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A text I was sent.

Chinese man: me no come work, me sick
Boss: when i'm sick, i do the naughty with my wife, try it?
2 hrs l8r chinese man called back: it work, me better, u got vewy nice house.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

why does he have to be Chinese?

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I don't know. that's who he was in the text. he could be an Englishman if you want him to be.

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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years, to which he had a large pond at the rear. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond (as he hadn't been there for a while) and look it over. Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee and as he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He coughed loudly to make the women aware of his presence and they all rushed to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Then what are you doing here you dirty old man - one of the ladies shouted.

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the alligator.' :shocked:

Si thee :Sprint:

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Just a tad sexist, but :shocked:

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person.

I no my spelling is not too good.

My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Sinseerly,

Tiffanny


PS : Becauze my resimay is a bit short

I sent a pickture of me.



http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/4015/tiffanyd.jpg


Employer's response:...
Dear Tiffany,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday

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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How do u castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

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Q: What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
A: An egg.

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I was in my local Tesco's this morning when I had the feeling I was being followed,sure enough I turned round and a old lady was watching everthing I was putting in my trolley and stiring at me.She came over and said,please forgive me,Sir, but you have a uncanny likeness for my son,you could be his twin.She got out her handbag and drew out a photograph and showed it me.Well the man in the photograph looked nothing like me,in fact he was Chinese.She then started to tell me hoe he left home 10 years ago and he never wrote or phoned.She said now I know this might be a bit awkward for you but I really miss him calling me Mom,do you think after I leave the checkout you could shout after me,Bye Mom,it would mean so much.I said well.....erm...I dont know it's kinda awkward I feel funny.She said please it would mean so much to hear those two words again.I said well...erm...well... OK then.She thanked me and went to the checkout,I got my few things and went to the same checkout she had just packed her trolley and was about to go,she waved,smiled,and shouted BYE SON. I replied Oh BYE MOM.She then went on her way.The lady at the checkout had scaned my stuff and said that will be £150 please Sir.I said What the must be some mistake I only have these sanwiches and can of coke and chocolate bay.The girl replied no it's right your mother told me you would pay for her shopping as well.I said but...but thats not my mum I'd never seen her before today.The girl said but I heard her shout Bye Son and you replied Bye Mom.Now are you going to pay or do I have too call security.What choice did I have.I paid and raced out of the store in hope of catching her.I was just in time to see her closing the boot.I caught up with her as she was climbing in to the drivers seat.I grabbed her by the leg and started pulling and pulling her leg....................................Just as I am pulling yours now :D

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British Humour.....!! (politically very incorrect....)


Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque... They've told the public there's no need to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

================================================

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.... One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

======= =========================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were living up there'.

================================================

Council Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

================================================

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

================================================

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

================================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed - how could anyone stoop so low?

================================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Well you gotta larf - aint it!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Not that I've got owt against woody - you understand, but:

Q. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

Q. Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?
A. He couldn’t decide between an iron and a wood.

Q. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
A. They went clubbing!

Q. What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband?
A. A bitching wedge.

Q. What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
A. They're both clubbed by Norwegians!

The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash - they are calling it, “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger�.

Tiger has just changed his nickname, but still kept it in the cat family-his new name? - Cheetah!

Si thee :Sprint:

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Invisible man and invisible women got married the kids were nothing to look at

What's so wrong with robin hoods house?
He only had a little john

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2 Blokes in a pub, ones says "I dont believe in sex before marriage, i never had sex with my wife before we were married did u?" The second guys says i dont know whats her name!

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Borders



Let me see if I understand all this...



· If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years

hard labour.

· If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained

indefinitely.

· If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

· If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be

jailed.

· If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be

heard from again.





If you cross the UK borders illegally, you get:
A job
A drivers license
A social security card
Welfare
Food stamps
Credit cards
Subsidised rent or a loan to buy a house
Free education
Free health care
And in many instances you can vote



Does that make sense to you??????

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Not really a joke more a statement so probably in the wrong thread.:D

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its called satire and is in the right thread

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The is probably more truth than satire in that though.:D

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Confucius say:
Man who runs in front of truck gets tired.
Man who walks behind car gets exhausted.
Man standing on top of toilet is high on pot.
Man who lay head on railroad track to listen for train likely to get spelling headache.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Man who sneezes without tissue must take matters into own hands.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

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Man who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger

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2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.

American bloke says: "What you doin?"

"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."

The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."

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TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

At least I provoked a reaction :tu: :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What did the scottish epileptic kid get for christmas?



A wee fit. :D (Wii fit)

Sorry if that offends anyone.:dunce:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Why the addendum?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Staying on a Scottish theme ;)

From today's Herald diary:

A Scottish Christmas Fairy.



I am a wee little fairy;

On tap o’ the Christmas Tree

It’s no’ a job I fancy

Well how would you like tae be me;

A’ tarted up wi’ tinsel

It’s enough to mak ye boak

An a couple o’ jaggy branches

Rammed up the back o’ your frock

An’ these wee lights a’roon me

I canna get my sleep

An’ there’s the yearly visit

Fae Santa – big fat creep;

On Christmas Day I’m stuck up here

While you’re a’ wirin’ in

An’ naebody says “Hey you up there

Could you go a slug o’ gin?�

The Christmas tree’s a bonny sight

As the firelight softly flickers

But think o’ me – I’m stuck up here

Wi’ needles in my knickers.



Burns would be proud. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sent to me someone.;)

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Here is your coat. The door is that way. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced
to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I did not know that you were married, whats your husband like.;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Shurely he must be in a civil partnership.....:)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I could not resist posting that.:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

He likes a lot of things ;) :)

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Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant doesn't answer.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A cowboy walks into a German car franchise & says...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Amazingly simple home remedies (that really work!)

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you slice.

2. Gentlemen, avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat - by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4.. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you won't dare cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Three friends married a woman from different parts of the UK.

The first married a London Girl.He told her to do the dishes and the house cleaning.On the first day he didn't see much difference.On the second day he saw much improvment.On the third day he came home to see his house clean and the dishes washed and put away.

The Second man married a Birmingham girl.He told her to do all the dishes,keep the house clean and do the cooking.On the first day he didn't see any improvment,on the second day he saw things where better,on the third day he came home from work and saw his house was clean,the dishes where washed and clean and there was a huge dinner on the table for him.


The third man married a Liverpool girl.He told her she had to keep the house clean,,clean the dishes,and do the laundry,and have a hot meal ready for him when he came home from work every night.On the first day he couldn't see anything,on the second day he still couldn't see anything.On the third day the swelling had gone down on his left eye,his arm was healed enough so he could make himself a sandwich and wash his plate but he still had difficulty peeing.:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

We were discussing great rulers earlier. I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

With all of the recent snow we've been having, thought this would raise a smile:

The Diary of a Londoner living in the Scottish Highlands.


OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND

16th December

Moved in on the 12th and after a lot of hassle finally got settled. Last of the furniture arrived this morning. Sky's looking decidedly gray looks like we could be in for some snow. Wonder if we might be having a White Christmas - last time I experienced that was back in the 70's when I was a youngster. :erm:

19th December

It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here. :)

20th December

We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself. :)

22nd December

Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door. Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again. The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun. :)

26th December

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey. :dozey:

29th December

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my backside in the driveway and ended up in casualty, luckily nothing broken! :dozey:

2nd January

Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white sh**e last night. Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. The bas***d snowplough came by twice today Where's the bloody shovel? :mad:

5th January

More f*****g snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power went and stayed off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house. Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a f*****g deer on the way to casualty and was written off. :mad:

8th January

F*****g white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox. The little bas****s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back and as for their f*****g snowman, I'll shove that carrot so far up their ar**s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it and if I ever catch the wa**er that drives the snowplough, I'll rip open his chest and chew out his heart with my teeth! I reckon the bas***d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f*****g Schumacher and buries the f*****g drive again! :mad:

10th January

Sixteen more f*****g inches of f*****g snow, f*****g ice, f*****g sleet and God knows whatever other white sh**e fell last night. Can't move my f*****g toes, its so cold. I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with a cricket bat. Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f*****g snow forecast!!! :mad:

14th January

F**k this!! We're moving back to London. :mad:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Nice one mate!

Yup, Scotland's a lovely place to be - but only between the snow and midgie seasons!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

otherwise knows as the morning of April the first. ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Arabs are a funny lot at the best of times - then again when you've seen some of their women: :erm:

http://www.arabnews.com/?page=1&sect...=28&m=1&y=2010

I wonder what the "coveted" prizes might be - perhaps it's safer not to ask. ;)

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

John Terry's wife was talking to Wayne & Collen Rooney, she said "JT has slept with every Wife and Girlfriend of the England team, except one." Coleen said "I bet it's that stuck up cow Victoria Becham." :D