Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved toTexas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,


'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bertstormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,

'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'


Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'


'Nope', she replied.


'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'


Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Police announced today that the names "Jonathan Ross" and "Russell Brand" are to be added to the Sachs Offenders Register.

.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Wow these jokes are great they are good

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in to the house . 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

Oh Peggy Sue what on earth has happened to you? asked her mom

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

The f*****g dance is called the Twist!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

It’s a classic!!

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot has had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth is rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I've tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I can think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, fed up, I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer , This should cool your behaviour" I shouted . :mad:

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into my outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued :

"May I ask what the turkey did?" :shocked:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Christmas cake

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

old couple in church the woman whispers to her husband quite alarmed

"I have done a very silent Fart..... What am i going to do?



he says "change the batteries on your hearing aid" ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Jim and edna are mental patients, one day jim jumps in the pool and stays on the bottom, edna dives in and saves him, the director calls edna in to his office and says ive got some good news and some bad news, the good news is were releasing you as you are obviously sane sving another persons life, but unfortunately jim hung himself in the bathroom, no said edna thats where i put him to dry.

---------- Post added at 14:42 ---------- Previous post was at 14:36 ----------

Blonde wife painting the house husband walks in and cant believe she is doing so well, but to his surprise the sweat is dripping off her, her hubby ask why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parker, she said hello read the f***ing tin it says for best results put on 2 coats.

---------- Post added at 14:52 ---------- Previous post was at 14:42 ----------

ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job, ive never done that she sez wot do i have to do? well remember when you were a kid and you would shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it thats wot you do, she nods so he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shakin it, a minute later he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears, she sez whats wrong, TAKE YOUR F***ING THUMB OFF THE END.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the bloody Pope as a chauffeur!'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I was sent this by SMS earlier today.

Hi there &%**^! merry $%&*@+$ christmas and a $%&*@+$ %$£* *%@$ %$£& &$£$+** happy %$**% new year.
From all your friends at the tourettes syndrome centre.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sixth Formers Science Exam with typical answers

Q: Name the four seasons. :erm:
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. :erm:
A: Flirtation, this makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? :erm:
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them sweat a lot.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? :erm:
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? :erm:
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon and because the moon doesn't pull hard enough the water schlops about on the surface of the earth.

Q: What are steroids? :erm:
A: Things for keeping carpets fixed on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age? :erm:
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? :erm:
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and starts adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with smoking cigarettes. :erm:
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized, E.g., abdomen. :erm:
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominal cavity contains the bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is a fibula? :erm:
A: A little liar.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? :erm:
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section. :erm:
A: The Caesarian Section is a district of Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean? :erm:
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Cor they's be difficult, dunno hows many I got roight - innit! :dunce:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai TV refused to broadcast The Flintstones.
A spokesman said people from Dubai won't understand the humour, but those in Abu Dhabi Do!:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

HILLBILLY DAYVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' :erm:

The farmer said, 'I'm wantin to get one of them there dayvorces.' :dozey:

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' :erm:

The farmer said, 'Yup, I got 40 acres down by the crick' :dozey:

The lawyer said, 'No, No, You don't understand, Do you have a suit? :erm:

The farmer said, 'Yeah, I got a Suit, I wears it to church on Sundays and speshl cassiuns.' :dozey:

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, Do you have a case?' :erm:

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got no Case, but I got a John Deere, which I use for plowin and stuff. :dozey:

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' :erm:

The farmer Said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John Deere when I aint usin it' :dozey:

The lawyer Said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' :erm:

The farmer said, 'No, we Both get up at 4:30 am evry mornin without fail.' :dozey:

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' :erm:

The farmer said, 'No, she aint, she's a injun gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a Dayvorce. :dozey:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Had this one emailed to me over the weekend. Funny!
(Looks better in outlook as the text gets bigger and bigger as it goes on)

`Best PMT Question Ever'

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.
What was the question?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

According to my wife that's right, and who am I to disagree.:disturbd:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

An Old One - slightly updated

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your
bull.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow
cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to
have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have
none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the s** out of you and
invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have 1 Cow, she runs the HSE!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Probably NOT true, but funny all the same

> Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could
> pull this one off! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently
> a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
> Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
> intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
> park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what
> seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man
> managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few
> minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
> Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
> fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the
> horn and then switched on the lights.He moved the vehicle forward a
> few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few
> more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the
> car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police
> officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
> patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
> and carried out a random breathalyser test.To his amazement the
> breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.The
> Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
> Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt
> it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

DIVORCE V MURDER:

A respectable looking lady enters the chemist, walks up to the pharmacist, looks straight into his eyes, and says, 'Excuse me, but I would like to purchase some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replies, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist turns a shade of white as he exclaims, "give you cyanide to kill your husband? - you're having a larf - firstly it's against the law! secondly I'll lose my license and thirdly they'll throw both of us in jail! and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

With that, the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Oh I see - please accept my apologies - I didn't realise that you had a prescription".


Sigh..................................!

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Q: Where does the light go when it gets dark at night?
































A: Have a look in the fridge...

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

whats big,bad,purple and eats people..............
















The big bad purple people eater of course.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sigh.............................................. .............................!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Alfie Patten has joined Fathers4Justice.

A spokesman said that he may not understand politics yet, but he already owns his own spiderman costume.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Psalm for today. :(

GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
BROWN HAS ANNOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE
DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,
I AM GLAD I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG
AND BROWN WAS A TREE.

teaspoon or bucket?
 

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'



'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Re: teaspoon or bucket?
 

:LOL:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Food for thought?




A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.



'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'



The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'


The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!



'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'



The refugee claimant now got bolder



'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.



PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.


'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.



'Yes, one more wish.


I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.


And I want to have white skin like the British.'



PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.


He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..



'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.


'Where is my new house?'



The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sod all!.'


And she disappeared!

Re: teaspoon or bucket?
 

LOL

Re: teaspoon or bucket?
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.


Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red pantie tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes'. How do you like them?'

Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God ... I thoughta I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A golden oldie and who better to reprise it.:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Dear Mr. Scammer
I owe you a few apologies:
• I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real.
• I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check.
• I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight.
• I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number.
• I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down.
• I am sorry that I lied to you about getting ****ed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day.
• I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check.
• I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day.
• Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so.
• I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar.
• Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were ****ed. The fact that as you "YELLED� and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am.
• Your phone call from Africa? was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry.
All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America.
Please forgive me. Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper. Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man who just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in navy.
She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a navy suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day.
To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous navy suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque.
'nay charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite navy suit!' she says.
'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin.

You see, a deed gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive navy suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'





'So, I just switched their heids.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Jusr read that one yesterday on a different forum except there is was a blonde female mortician ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Yes, I can see it would work well with blonds. :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

FOR ALL SUFFERERS OF MAN FLU THE FACTS
_____________________________________

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)
2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.
3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.
4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.
5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it
6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).
7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.
8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.
9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.
10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.
Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

New buzz Words for 2009 to enhance your street/office cred! :erm:

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
The art of waving one's arms around talking bo***cks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL BOSS .
A manager who swoops in to the area, makes a lot of noise, dumps a load of crap on everyone, then leaves.

* SALAD DODGER.
A sensitive phrase used to describe an overweight person.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day seemingly swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AIRPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of beatiing the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, racey in design and very close to the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' come s from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES...
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY DUNK
A bath where the water is so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO TUSH
A woman whose knickers are far too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

That's it and si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Well if you use any of them then you'll be slightly outdated

eeerrrrmmmmm...>>> http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...ocabulary.html

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Four men in a bar:-
A Yank
A Brit
A Russian
A Pakistani

Yank say's "I'm a CIA agent"
Brit says "I'm a MI5 agent"
Russian says " I'm a KGB agent"
Pakistani says "I'm a newsagent"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Point taken and credit where it's due for 2005 - consider this as the "abridged version" for 2009. :)

I should bat for England. :D

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A recent survey showed that six out of seven dwarfs were not happy.....




:D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Those buzzwords are all fantastic!!!

/me keeps.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

You're welcome - by the way which one of us are you talking to?

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

You sir, you posted it I believe! :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts

God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel
says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks,
'What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a
toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
'but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush

beats a Pair -


no matter how big they are.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment, when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys someone got to go tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws and Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet! Oi'll tell yee, Oi'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name - so it is! Leave it to me!.

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Oim very sorry to be telling you this Mr's Murphy, but your husband just lost £500 playing cards, and is afraid to come home.'

'What! you go tell that miserable waste of space to go and drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'Oi will, oi will, oi wll, yes oi will - I'll go tell him roit now.' says Gallagher.

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Hotel Bill.....



Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain .. they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.


The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Yesterday I was at my local ASDA buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 4 stone before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. ASDA won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was helping her husband set up a new PC
When it asked for a password he typed "PENIS"
Wife fell off her chair when Windows replied
"Password rejected 'not long enough'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside of his station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Girls are evil...

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/at...1&d=1239820961

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

That's a brilliant piece of maths. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Watch Your Participles

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. :erm:

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. :erm:

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,and with a grip on his shoulder, warned:

"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked:

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The medicine man replied "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' - But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. :shocked:

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked unexpectedly, "I noticed that you were counting - what was the 1-2-3 for?" :dunce:

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition. :erm:

OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!! :D :confused:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Rofl!!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

They come here.

Go on benefits on arrival

Get health care even before they arrive.

Get free housing

Don’t speak our language

Don’t eat our food.

Don’t wear our clothes.

Have their own special shops.

In 2007 (Latest available statistic) 690,000 arrived. Equivalent to two cities the size of COVENTRY.



They come here in unrestricted numbers but if you try to go where they came from you’ll find there are a multitude of restrictions and most applications are refused.
V
V
V
V
Immigrants?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

No!
v
v
v
v
v
BABIES ! !

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'hey bud that smells fantastic - What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles - from the bull fight this morning - delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'what the heck - looks and smells to good to resist, go bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'Hey bud - these are absolutely delicious, but why they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders, gave out a long sigh..... and replied:

'Si, Senor, Sometimes de bull wins. :shocked:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Classic :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.‏


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' ,


2.New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

- To be treated for swine flu, apparently you need some oinkment.
- Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
- Have you heard about the man who phoned the doctor because he thought he had swine flu? All he got was crackling.
- It worked. Obama dumped swine flu into Mexican waterway on last trip. The entire border is now manned, secure & closed.
- it appears swine flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...
- swine flu is not a problem for the pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.
- A man walks into the doctors' and tells the doctor, "I think I've got swine flu." The doctor asks him, "How long have you felt like this?"
To which the man replies, "About a weeeeeeeek!"


:erm:oops::tiptoe:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I think I've got Swine Flu, I'm coming out in rashers.:)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Paddy was working at the steel processing plant in Ballyhoolie when he accidentally cut off all the fingers from both of his hands. As luck would have it the hospital was only about half a mile down the road, so he ran all the way and burst into the emergency room - shouting:

"bejaisus io'v cut all of me fingers off somebody help me please".

With this, The doctor rushed in, quickly looked at Paddy and said,

'dont you be wooryin, io'l soon have ya as roit as rain, lets be avin' da fingers den and oi'l be sowing dem back on - oi will!

Paddy: 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
Doctor: 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Paddy: 'Oi said oi haven't got da fingers.'
Doctor: Ya eedjut - Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

Paddy: An just how da fek was I 'spose to pick dem up wi just me tumbs!!!



Sigh.............................!


Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I've just bought a Ricky Hatton toaster...

I'm taking it back though, the damn thing only does 2 rounds. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

paddy asks mick why divers roll backwards off the boat,easy says mick,if they rolled forwards they'd still be on the boat!!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Y'know, you really should put a "SPOILER ALERT" with those kinds of jokes! :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Brian Eno composed the Windows 95 startup theme.................... on a Mac!

http://odeo.com/episodes/151957

Strange but true.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the U.K. made up of Afghans, Albanians, Bengalis, Bosnians, Caribbeans, Chinese, Croatians, Cypriots, Greeks, Hispanics, Indians, Iranians, Iraqis, Irish, Malays, Nigerians, Pakistanis, Poles, Somalis, Turks and an assortment of Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change over to the Euro? :erm:

99.9% said no, :shocked:

They were all happy with the Giro. :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Fencepost Tortoise?



While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his appointment as Prime Minister.

“Well, you know,� drawled the old farmer, “this Brown fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise.�

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s called a fencepost tortoise.�

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.� :rolleyes: :D

Jim.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Not really a joke, more a life works :D

Got this elsewhere, made me chuckle out loud, they are all numbered number one because they all share the same importance :D

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

bop if your mrs would read this what would happen to you i think more then sleeping on the sofa

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Don't worry mate, she's due in just now and there's a copy on the fridge door :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Karma at work:

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck had gone out for the evening and had a fantastic time - so much so that they decided to spend the night together in a hotel room. As this was Donald's first chance to have his wicked way with Daisy he was eager to get going.

Daisy asks: "Do you have a condom"?
Donald replies: 'No"
Daisy replies: "then you go and get some"
Donald replies: "it doesn't matter we've known each other for ages"
Daisy replies: I don't care no condom - no nookie
Donald replies: "where am I going to get a condom at this time of the night?"
Daisy replies: "maybe they sell them at the front desk"

So Donald rushes down to the lobby and asks the hotel clerk if they have condoms.

"We sure do,' replies the clerk as he pulls a packet out from under the counter and hands it to Donald.

"Oh boy" remarks Donald, as the clerk grins and replies "Would you like me to put that on your bill? :D

Donald quacks in horror and replies "NO OF COURSE NOT - what do you take me for - a f*****g pervert!


Sigh........................................!

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I like :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Apparently this is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

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Oh no it isn't:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/palisades.asp

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Not entirely impossible. I've been told they used to design prototype interfaces using Macromedia Director.

---------- Post added at 15:31 ---------- Previous post was at 15:28 ----------

It's not impossible though. Someone changed one of NTL's IVR systems to tell customers to **** off..

I can't put a link but if you search The Register for NTL and the word in question, you'll find it..

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Especially as the staff actually concocted the message and even voted on its sentiments....

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The man himself was on The Museum of Everything on Radio 4 last week and that's what he said he did.

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. :erm:

The woman asked the gentleman, "My goodness look at your tomatoes, Tell me what do you do to get them so red?" The gentleman responded, "that's easy, well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato patch naked under my trench coat, I then open it and and give them a flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was impressed - though a bit sceptical. So she thanked the gentleman, said goodbye and went on her way. Later that day she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in front of her garden hoping for the best. :erm:

One day the same gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "Oh hello, you're the lady who enquired about the colour of my tomatoes. I'm intrigued, how did you make out, did your tomatoes turn red?" :)

"No," she replied, unfortunately not - mind you though my cucumbers have tripled in size." :shocked:

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Two men walk into a bar...

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They said "Ow!"

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Beware of an E Mail which has recently appeared (allegedly) from the Department of Health, informing people not to eat tinned pork due to a high risk of contracting swine influenza. :erm:

Those who do receive said E mail are to ignore same and treat it a spam! :dozey:

Ayethangyouuuuu! :Sprint:

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A good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
The guy promptly 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my forefathers by changing my name - Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir let me give you some free advice - I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go anywhere with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name, so determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

However, after I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were absolutely correct - I had to change my name.

As I had too much pride to return to your office, I signed with another agent. Thinking back there's no way that I would ever have made it without taking your advice, so please accept the enclosed cheque as a token of my appreciation for the advice you freely gave to me that day.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Guess it worked for him, sigh.............................................. !


Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

PONDERISMS


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If itcomes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE....... it's all in a point of view !!!!!

Barbara Walters (of 20/20 magazine), wrote a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She had observed that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands - a custom that the women of that country were challenging - saying that the custom was antiquated and demeaning.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that nothing had changed - women still walk behind their husbands and despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women were happy to and vigorously maintain this old custom.

Ms. Walters (intrigued by this) approached a group of Afghani women and asked, "Can I ask why you are still happy to continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change"?

With this, the women all replied together - without hesitation and proclaimed:

"Land Mines". :D

Quicker and more efficient than divorce I reckon. ;)

Si thee :Sprint:

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Lmao! :D

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PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Glasgow lonely hearts... :D

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Rofl Cobby

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What's the difference between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber with a rucksack? :erm:

The suicide bomber only goes "Boom" once :D

Si thee :Sprint:

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A friend in NZ sent me this -

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from " Slightly Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain -
"Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend",
"The barbie is cancelled".
There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

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An elderly American gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. :erm:

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his hand luggage bag. :o:

Tutting impatiently, the customs officer asked, sarcastically. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" :mad:

"Just the once" replied the old man.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready monsieur." replies the officer :mad:

With this, the elderly gentleman replies, "Well the last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." :)

"Impossible" snaps the customs officer - going all red in the face. "Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France, I don't believe it - when was this?" :mad:

The old man gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly replied.

"Omaha beach - D Day 1944, only back then I couldn't find a f***ing French customs officer to show it to." :D

Buellerks!

Si thee :Sprint:

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https://www.cableforum.co.uk/images/...2009/07/56.png :D

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Classic XKCD that, and I know somebody who would use the most complicated method EVER to solve something so simple.....

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A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists - looking very serious indeed.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he then unfolds to reveal a condom.

It's obvious that the condom has been well used as it has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," the chemist replies.

"Aye and how much for a new one asks the scot?"

"Ten pence,"says the chemist, who then hands it back.

The Scot then painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief followed by the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great AYE! go up outside, followed by an shout OCH AYE!.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a large grin on his face. :D

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one." :D

Si thee :Sprint:

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Rofl!!!!