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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive this bank holiday.................
So I took her to our local petrol station for a coffee :D |
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Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur. As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction |
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Paddy met Mick in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?"
"Why?" Paddy asked. "Because," said Mick, "all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday." Mick said, "Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday. |
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Well last night i went to the beach and a crab cralled in my pants :O it bit my w!LLy it was annoying and i was running coz it hurt and i said your driving me nuts
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I'm so very tired. Ran 24km this morning. Finally I stopped, turned around and said, "Lady, take your purse."
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A Man walked into the Hollywood office of the famous agent Hiram P. Hackenbacker.
"My name is Penis Von Lesbian and I want you to represent me", he said. "I couldn't possibly represent you with a name like that, who on earth would hire you? I'd make no fees, if you want me to represent you, you'll have to have a stage name". "I'm afraid I can't do that", said the man, "My name is my name and that's that". Hiram P. Hackenbacker tried for half an hour to persuade the man to adopt a stage name, but he was unsuccessful. The man stormed out of the office and after a few weeks Hiram P. Hackenbacker had forgotten all about him. Slow dissolve to 10 years later.... A slightly fatter and more balding Hiram P. Hackenbacker was opening his mail. He came upon a package containing $50,000 with a covering note. The note read: When I left your offÃÂÂ*ce all those years ago I got to thinking. The more I thought about it, the more your advice about taking a stage name made sense. So I did and really made it big time, this money is my thank you to you, who made it all possible. The note was signed... Spoiler:
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RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked her, 'What's your hurry?' :dunce: To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' :) 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' :dunce: I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. :) The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? and just what does a rectum stretcher do?' :dunce: 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then worm my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' :) 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?' he then asked :dunce: 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' :) Traffic ticket $95.00 Court costs $45.00 Look on the cop's face....... PRICELESS :D For everything else, there's MasterCard! ;) Si thee :Sprint: |
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SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW "WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!" This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is only a sign. You may ask, "what kind of business would dare post such a sign ?." Answer: A Funeral Parlour (Who said morticians had no sense of humour?) You gotta love it!!! God Bless Scotland |
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Funeral Directors have a very well developed sense of humour. Goes with the job.
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a f***ing toffee apple. :D |
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ahem ;) http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34349739-post789.html |
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Just saw this on NTHW Gaming.
Top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but actually aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5 .Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off? In Golf: 10. Nuts... my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. 1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first. In The Office: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. Hmmmmmm... I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there! |
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A question of outlook...
NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah . If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's in the sales. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. |
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His lordship is in the middle of taking a bath when Waddle (his butler) enters.
Butler. "You rang Sir"? :erm: Lord. " Ah Waddle - go and fetch me a hot towel and a large brandy" :o: Butler. "Yes sir" :erm: As Waddle leaves the bathroom, his lordship noisily breaks wind in the bath. Five minutes later Waddle returns with the hot towel, a brandy and a water bottle. Lord. "what's this Waddle I didn't ask for a water bottle"? :o: Butler. "You did Sir"? :erm: Lord. "No I didn't" :o: Butler. "But Sir, I specifically heard you say as I left the bathroom - whadda abadda a woddaboddle Waddle"? :D :D:D:D:D |
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Two Englishmen are walking along O’Connell Street in Dublin when they see a sign which reads as follows:
Suits 15.00 euro each, shirts 2.00 euro each, trousers 2.50 euro per pair Steve says to Trevor, "Look at that. We could buy a load of that gear and when we get back to London, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, don't say anything. Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so i'll speak in my best London accent." They go in and Steve orders 50 suits at 15.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. The owner of the shop says, "You're from England, aren't you?" "Oh, . . yes, how the blazes did you know that?" asks Steve The owner says, "Because this is a f**king dry-cleaners . !" |
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In the end I just gave up asking. :shrug: Si thee. :Sprint: |
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There is a factory in Kansas which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo' s all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'. Apologies if this is already posted, I just got it in an email and had to share. |
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The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.
1.. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream. 2.. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg. 3.. The smallest is the male sperm. 4.. You use 200 muscles to take one step. 5.. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man. 6.. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three. 7.. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands. 8.. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. 9.. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. 10.. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. 11.. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 12.. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds. 13.. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. 14.. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell. 15.. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 16.. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil. 17.. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body. 18.. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born. 19.. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. 20.. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. 21.. Your thumb is the same length as your nose. 22.. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well. You did it -- I KNOW you did !!!!! |
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!" |
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Two brothers walk into a pharmacy. Pharmacist sees they're new to the game and asks if he could help. "Yes, please," answers the older brother, "Could we please have a box of tampons?" "Sure thing," replies the pharmacist whilst handing them a fresh box. The older brother hands over a hundred. While the pharmacist is cashing up the business the older brother opens up the box, pulls out a tampon, rids it of the cellophane and has it dangling by the string when he gets his change back. "Thank you," he says, pocketing his change," but could you please explain how we're meant to use this?" indicating the tampon. "Why? Who's it for?" asks the pharmacist, slightly bemused. The older brother points to his sibling and explains: "My little brother over here. He saw the adverts and it said he could swim, play hockey and ride a bicycle. He doesn't know how to do any of that." |
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A Communist died, and since he was an honest man, although atheist, he was sentenced to rotate between heaven & hell, spending alternate years in each.
One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all my young demons into Young Pioneers, I have to restore some order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Lord God, it's my turn now." God replied : "First of all, don't call me Lord God, but instead Comrade God; second, there is no God; and one more thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting." |
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find a little old Jew at a small stand selling neckties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.' 'OK,' said the old Jew, 'it does not matter that you don't want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back. . . . . 'Your bloody brother won't let me in without a tie.' |
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' :D |
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Haha, keep them coming :D
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Q) Whats the difference between a dog, a flea and a lollypop?
A) A dog can have fleas, but a flea cant have dogs, LOL. |
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Actually I think that was a very well worked joke and you walked straight into it I must admit I did chuckle :) |
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Hehe :D
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What did Melinda Gates tell Bill after their wedding night?
"Now I understand why you called the company Microsoft." |
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Why?
Because you always need more RAM, and even though it takes a while to boot up, it usually works? :D |
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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you manage that?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi-- Blimey! There goes another one!" |
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If football teams were women...
Arsenal - Angelina Jolie Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really screw you over Aston Villa - Dido One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really Birmingham City - Mariah Carey Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying. Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia Always looks like she might go down but never does Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises Chelsea - Rachel Stevens Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that prick Everton - Barbara Windsor Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good Fulham - Andrea Corr Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame Leicester City - Patsy Palmer Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee Dirty Lee Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work when put together. Man City - Madonna Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though Man United - Jordan Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive really Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of. Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though. Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's going to do next Southampton - Kylie Minogue Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you've got a bit of a soft spot. Tottenham - Joan Collins Used to look good, but living on past glories. Additional one more... West Ham - Britney Spears Been threatening to go down for the last few years, but finally did it this year. |
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The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd lik e a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know? 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.':) |
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Haha, that last one had me in stitches :D
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Two friends are walking down the road when they notice this beautiful woman on the other side, one says to his mate, "would you credit it, I only joined the conservative party this morning and I already feel like screwing somebody.";)
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That's OK - the beautiful woman was in the Labour Party; she would have taken ever increasing amounts of his money, promised him everything, and then just left him unsatisfied........;)
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Damn. I emptied the washing machine last weekend and discovered the fecking cat had crawled in there!
the only positive was that it died in comfort. |
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putting rohypnol in their drinks is not "dating"...........:monkey: |
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Perhaps his idea of "labour party" is the knees-up nine months later...
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Would that be a BYO party?
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Do you think they would drink from stirrup-cups?
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I hope they would wash the forceps before they use them to put ice in the drinks.....
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Q. What is 6 feet x 4 feet x 1 feet, is full of springs, foam and concrete? |
Zebra
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?' God simply replied 'You are what you are.' The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'you are what you are.'' St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.' The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?' 'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.' |
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OMG....................
What's next - jokes about piccaninnies, Massa', and Ol' Man Ribber? :dozey: |
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well. One day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels! ‘The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. One o’clock came, and he hadn't returned. Two o'clock and he hadn’t returned. Finally he returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. 'Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.’ |
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Daddy's car in the woods? Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.' Mommy fainted! |
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His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox News, he responded. 'And I need to get some close-up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . you're NOT my flight instructor?' |
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:D
Top 9 Comments Made By Announcers During The Olympics That They Would Like To Take Back 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria ..? I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...? Oh my God, what have I just said? |
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Excellent post cimt, very funny indeed, it just goes to show you can't beat live television for some choice commentators comments.
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MY LIVING WILL
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the lounge and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch. |
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A father takes his son aside and says, “Boy, today I’m going to tell you about the birds and the bees.”
The little lad protests: “No, dad, don’t tell me. Please. You can tell me anything but, not, please never, tell me about the birds and the bees.” The confused dad looks at his son worryingly and asks, “But why, boy? What’s the matter?” “Well, two years ago when I was six you came and told me the tooth fairy wasn’t real, that it was just you or mommy putting the money under my pillow and taking the tooth. Last year you said there’s no Santa Claus, that he’s nothing but a marketing gimmick and that it’s just you and everybody else’s daddy in a suit. And now if you’re going to tell me that men and women don’t really have sex when they’re all grown up, well then I’ve got nothing left to live for.” |
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Not so much a joke, but a rather amusing ditty to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore's, A British Tar.
A British Bar. A British bar is a boring hole, that's filled with a bunch of guys, But you can get a beer, If you let one bend your ear, And tell you a pack of lies. His nose gets long as he spouts his verse, His breath is bad and his armpits worse, His voice is loud with a slurring drawl, And his fist be ever ready for a bar room brawl. So should you meet this British bore, A man who has nothing to say, Just act dumb and meek Till he has to take a leak, Then slip out the alleyway. When he comes back and he finds your gone, He wont care a less, he'll still ramble on, He'll find another to bore to tears, And this he'll do forever and a dozen years, A dozen years...A dozen years. |
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"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
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Three Catholic girls were graduating from a Catholic high school. Sister Marie asked each girl what career they wanted to pursue. Mary said, "I want to help needy children in Africa." Sister Marie said, "Very good choice." Anne said, "I want to help the elderly." Sister Marie replied, "Good job for you." Sarah said, "I don't have much money, so I have no choice but to become a prostitute." Sister Marie fainted on the floor. When she came to, Sarah said, "I am sorry that I must be a prostitute, but I really need the money." Sister Marie said, "A prostitute! Oh, thank God. I thought you said Protestant!" |
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Just given up my job in the helium balloon factory , aint going to be spoken to like that .
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I bought eight legs of venison off a bloke in a pub last night, it cost me £60.
Does anybody know if that's too dear? |
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Oh god.
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Depends if they were hind legs............
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I was offered a plasma tv the other day for £50 but was told the remote control was broken. I could not turn it down
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Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: No idea. Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs? A: Still no idea. |
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Right, if we are descending to that level..................
Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes? A. A piiig |
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alright then....
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk. I thank you! |
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---------- Post added at 23:09 ---------- Previous post was at 23:07 ---------- Q: What do you call a woman who plays pool balancing a pint on her head A: Beatrix Potter |
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White horse walks into a pub , the landlord says , weve got a whiskey named after you .
The horse says ,,,,,,, What Eric? |
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Has somebody been sending out the bumper joke book from 1950 to forum members?:)
Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, (work with me here!!) she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Mary,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!' Her mother said 'Stay here lass and stir this mince |
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A bear walking into a pub and says 'I'll have a pint of .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...............bitter please'
The Barman says 'Why the big pause?' The bear says 'Im a bear you idiot' |
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I call my dog "Pinter"
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Because he's got such big pawses. |
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Two dwarfs go out on the town, they pull two young ladies and take them back to their house, the first dwarf gets his lady into the bedroom but disaster he cant 'perform' and to make matters worse all he hears through out the night is the other dwarf in the next room saying 'one two three, here I come again urrggh'.
In the morning at breakfast after the ladies have gone, the dwarf say's to his friend, 'it was awful I couldn't perform last night, so embarrassing', his friend replies 'how do you think I feel, I couldn't even get on the bloody bed' :shocked: ---------- Post added at 09:19 ---------- Previous post was at 09:16 ---------- A friend of mine was visiting Dublin via Cork but didn't know the way so he asked a local 'what's the quickest way from Cork to Dublin' he asked, 'are you going by car or on foot' the local replied 'car' he said, 'Aye that's the quickest way' :dozey: |
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I have a pet newt, and i call him Tiny, cause he's my newt.
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My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock and racket the other day.....Bad Minton!
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Irish prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, Dad" as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath).............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and......" "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! !! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug." |
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Q. Whats the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?
A. A Pigeon can still make a deposit on a ferrari |
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Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know ****'. |
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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
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What is the capital of Iceland?
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > About £3.50.:D |
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The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operate: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -- These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a store just across the street, where men can choose a New Wife. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. |
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A man breaks into a house to look for weapons and any money he can lay his hands on.
Inside, he finds the young couple in bed. Forcibly, he orders the guy out of bed and then ties him to a chair. Whilst tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.. Whilst he is in the bathroom , the husband whispers over to his wife. "Listen Honey, this guy is an escaped convict. just look at his clothes. He's been in prison a long time and probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If, he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you no matter how much he nauseates you - this guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry he will probably kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I love you! " His wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he is gay, thinks that your cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him that it was in the bathroom cabinet. Be strong Honey. I love you too"!! :shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked::shocked: |
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Stephen Hawkins went out on a date last night, he ended up with a broken arm, fractured skull and some minor cuts and bruises :shocked:
Apparently she stood him up :disturbd: |
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