Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

You mean you didn't want the collection of white dog poo I've sent you?

I thought you wanted to be a collector of the pure?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I thought they were stale white chocolate doughnuts - ooops.

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What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm?
The Groom.

What do you call a Welshman with two sheep under his arms?
A pimp.

A man is visiting his Welsh cousin’s farm and the farmer shows him the chicken sheds, the pig pens, the paddocks and so on.
Finally he points to a tree about 30 feet away and tells him:
"Under that tree is where I first had sex."
Then the farmer points to another tree and says: "…and that’s where her mother stood and watched us."
The guy gasps and asks the Welsh farmer, "what did her mother say?"
The farmer grins, and replies "baaa."

What’s the difference between chavs and yoghurt?
Yoghurt has culture. :p:

What do a chav and a sperm have in common?
Both have something like a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. ;)

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This is a quite long read but it's worth it.
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the ****.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

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Rofl! :d

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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.:beer: Mick, the bartender, says "Paddy you've a skin full - you'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy." :erm:

Paddy replies "OK den Mick, oi'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off, falling flat on his face. :confused: "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "bollox!" he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. :confused:

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feeling much better he takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. :confused: "Bejaisus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "You've got to troi Paddy udderwise you'll be here all noit." Somehow he manages crawl up the stairs to his bedroom door and says,"Oi tink I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "It's no good, Oi'll end up killin meself oi will, oi gotta stop drinking," but (in the end) manages to crawl to the bed and fall in. :sleep:

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "wake up Paddy ya lush, to be sure you were out drinkin yurself stupid again last noit?"

Paddy says, "Oi did Jess, yes oi did. I was totally aersoled - but you were staying at you mother's - so how'd you know?" :confused:

"Mick called ... ya eedjut - you left your wheelchair in the pub again." :dozey:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

What do you call someone who can speak 3 languages?

Trilingual.

What do you call someone who can speak 2 languages?

Bilingual

What do you call someone who can only speak 1 language?

English

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The following question was asked in a recent poll:

"Are there too many immigrants in the United Kingdom ?"
.
21% Said: Yes
.
.
17% Said: No
.
.
.
.

62% Said: عهد الأمن العالمي بواش

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lads, he's one of us!"

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A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not Really, the man replies, "You see, that frog can't sing, the hamster is a ventriloquist."

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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace,
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr.Wallace, 'she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace, 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

:)

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Is a "viewing" some kind of religious custom?

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Glesga Kaffliks did/do it all the time.

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So it was an open casket service then? :D

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Then its called a wake, not a viewing.

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I always took the wake to be the gathering after the funeral/viewing.
All the wakes I've been to have been in the wake of a funeral ;)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viewing_%28funeral%29

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Nah - we had a viewing at the funeral parlour for my mum (other people do at home, but that weirded me out); people coming in in ones or twos - a wake tends to be a party at home with the deceased present, but not actively taking part (see previous about "weirding out").

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Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berks County Show and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise!

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making:

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

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There were two parrots sitting on a perch when one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the
window and asks the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give
me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers:

"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Vodafone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and
the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.


He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the
shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know
absolutely nothing about my business...


...now give me back my dog."

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That sounds familliar...

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34329175-post769.html

:)

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What was the first thing Tony Blair said after he was converted to Catholicism?

"We gotta sack that wee usless fecker Strackan!"

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Well, someone has to post about Rooney...

Wayne Rooney's infatuation with older women came about coz of his upbringing let me tell you a story of when he was young! I blame his Nan!


When Wayne was celebrating his 11th birthday it seemed like his family had forgot

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his Dad. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", Wayne said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" Wayne exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" Wayne asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

Divorced Barbie
 

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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I think this one should get past the censors?

A guy was lying in bed with his new girlfriend just after a bit of how's your father, and she was stroking his thingy-ma-jig.

He says "You like it?"

She says "No, I just miss mine".

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Should the UK Adopt The Euro?


A recent poll consisting of 10000 people (within the UK), made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Mackems, monkey hangers and Liverpudlians were asked to vote upon whether Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

The vote was unanimous - a resounding NO.

They were happy with the Giro. :D

Si thee :sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

From my uncle in Canada:

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A man owned a small farm in the midlands.

The local authorities got wind that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent out to interview him. :erm:

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. :o:

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the cook, she's has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. :)

Oh yes - then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays for his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night, oh and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the person I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer. :rolleyes:

Si thee :Sprint:

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Why God never received a Ph.D.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
:D

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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has an income.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very!!!! very important!!!! that these four women do not know each other.

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Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
He throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
He warns the man; "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man asks; "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely fulfilled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then subside.
But remember, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns to him and asks, "What did you say '123' for?" :erm:

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You know God is supposed to be neither man nor woman, and neither black nor white? Well I have found God... Michael Jackson!!!


(sorry if anyone found that a bit racist)

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there three finalists remained - Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must be confident that you will follow your instructions to the letter, no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. :dozey:

Kill Her!!!" :dozey:

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" :shocked:

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." :dozey:

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." :cry:

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." :dozey:

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, suddenly all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"You Ba*****s" sge said "This gun is loaded with blanks..! :mad: I had to beat him to death with the chair."

She starts - Monday.

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George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?"
"My name is Bob", says the boy.
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raises his hand. George points him out and asked him "what is your name?"
"My name is Steve" says the boy.
"And what is your question Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? Fifth, where is Bob?"

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A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla. However, within a few weeks the gorilla (a female), became very boisterous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla (of the same species) available.

Thinking about their problem, the head Zoo Keeper immediately thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad and part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. He was a likeable character and strong as an ox but not the brightest of individuals also (being extremely hairy), he was often referred to as "little kong" by his workmates.

Considering this, the keeper thought they might have a solution. Boaby was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500? Boaby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannae tell naebedy aboot this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Boaby said, "I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans." Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gonnae havtae give me another week to come up with the £500" :doh:

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A woman meets a man in a bar. :erm:

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. :luv:

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. :cool:

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with teddy bears. :Oh:

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. :Oh:

She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but decides not to mention this to him. :)

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! and just maybe he could be the future father of my children?' :luv:

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips and He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they enjoy a night of passion more than she has ever known. :luv:

After this intense, explosive night of raw passion,lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' :)

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf" :shocked:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How many thriller writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to screw it nearly all the way in and another to give it a surprising little twist at the end....

You sign! You sign!
 

This made me giggle :D

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:




(It's a beauty)









(Wait for it)











(Get your best Chinese accent ready)















"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

Re: You sign! You sign!
 

That made me chuckle :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I was chopping carrots in the kitchen with the grim reaper... yes, I was dicing with death! :D

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A fly was having a nice meal while resting on some dog poo.

Suddenly there was a buzzing sound & another fly landed next to him.

"Hey man, haven't seen you around for a while", said the first fly.

The other fly replied "No I've been on the sick"... :erm:

Re: You sign! You sign!
 

Shame it was here 6 months ago

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...l#post34336631

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. :D

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. :D

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." :erm:

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. but it turns out that he's got only a teeny, weenie member-about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. :shocked:

"I don't think this is going to work" says Maureen. :D

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" :erm:

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. :Oh:

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still too narrow." :D

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until she says "Stop that's enough" :shocked: she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" :erm:

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" :D

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache. "Oh really - how come?" she replies "she constantly kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!" :rolleyes:

:Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

LoL! Oh dear :)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some crap. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd is up on their feet again. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his crap, I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort them out"

The crowd is up on their feet. "Hail Caesar, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... Away Gauls count double in Europe."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you fool, for the last time..........












BRING POSSE!!!!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

Man: "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" :erm:

Vet: "let's have a look at him"

So the vet picks the dog up and examines it's bottom, teeth, then finally it's eyes.

Vet: "It's no good, I'm going to have to put him down."

Man: "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" :shocked:

Vet "No, because he's really heavy. :dozey:

:rolleyes:
:Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I think this is safe for the forum....

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
Have a lot of money. Between them, they could only
Raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
With one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
Money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately
Ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
Trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! Worry, I have a
Plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
The sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
And put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
Out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
More drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
Can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
Killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
Sausage in the third pub

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two Nuns

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight minutes and fourty two seconds? I wonder what he wants.

SL: Logic dictates that it is his desire to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 14 minutes thirty eight seconds at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing - he started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in seven minutes and three seconds.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run a darn sight faster than a man with his pants down........ :dozey:

For all those of you who thought the above would be dirty, Go immediately and say eleven Our Fathers and twenty two Hail Marys. :p:

Si thee :Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!


Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ) "If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Wonder if this has been posted before?

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

CHANGING TRENDS IN MATHS TEACHING:

1. 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £10. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £10. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £8. What is his profit?

3. 1990
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £500. His cost of production is £100 and his profit is £400. Your assignment: Underline the number 400.

5. 2007
A logger cuts down a forest and sells the truckload of lumber for £1000. It's cost him £200 for the hire of the machinery and the diesel. He hasn't planted any more trees to replace those cut down because it would affect his profits of £800. He is selfish, inconsiderate with no regard for the habitat, animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Topic for discussion, what do you think of this way of making a living? is it ethical, could the government do more? Should the logger be served with an ASBO? How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers).

6. 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 1500 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

:Sprint:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race come about?'

The Mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made.'

A few days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys and we developed from them.'

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?'

The Mother answers, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.'

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Heather Mills has said she intends to buy a plane with the money from her divorce. She still intends to use Immac on the other leg though.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

From an uncle in Canada:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold............

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

A Saudi Arabian Airways flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served everyone food and drinks. :erm:

As the plane prepared to descend into London Heathrow, he came swishing down the aisle and told saying loudly " Captain Abdulla has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." :)

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed a woman who hadn't moved a muscle.

'Excuse me dearie, Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' :)

With this she calmly turned her head and said, " In my country, they call me Princess - I take orders from no one" :o:

To which the flight attendant replied, 'Well, sweet -cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so reckon I outrank you - Tray-up, Bitch.' :shocked:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.


The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Edited so as not to offend


Recently on Family Fortunes 100 (insert football teams name here) fans were asked to name a fish begining with the letter S, 98 of the daft bar stewards replied single

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A Spanish lady married to an English guy had moved to Manchester, the problem being she wasn't very proficient with the language, she could get by ok with her husband, but the problem was when she went shopping.
One day she went to the butchers to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so in desperation she lifted up her skirt to show her legs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it so she unbuttoned her blouse and showed the butcher her breast. The lady went home with what she wanted.
The 3rd day the poor lady needed to buy sausages, unable to find a way to communicate this she brought her husband to the shop.
Whatever were you thinking, her husband speaks English.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Captain Diego Montoya Garcia, of the spanish Armada flagship "Quando" was on the deck one day when his first mate ran up to him and cried "Captain! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"
Captain Diego turned a calm eye to his mate and said "Bring me my red shirt."
The first mate ran and got the captains red shirt, which he put on.
A fierce battle raged and the Quando was victorious. After the battle, the first mate asked the captain "Sir, why do you don a red shirt before battle?"
The captain yawned bravely and said "If I am wounded in battle, the men will not see me bleeding, and they will be inspired."
The mate was in awe of his wise captain. Just then, another crewman ran up to the captain and cried "Captain! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"
The captain turned to his first mate and ordered "Bring me my brown pants."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for £500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT
FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that
the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary
send a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
£250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present Landlady.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I dont get it.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Your not alone, neither did I.:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I suspect the op is getting S mixed up with F with the reply being "finger" :p:

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Perhaps this may be a regional thing but i am sure the brothers north of the border will get it....:D

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is it something to do with kippers???? ;)

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A single fish is fish without chips.

Link

Apparently Fish 'n Deep Fried Mars Bars is more popular nowadays... :erm: ;)

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "my wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minuets apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No you idiot," the man shouts "its her husband"

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A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'


The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.


Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'


The woman said, 'That's okay.'


For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.


The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.


The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'


So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.


The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'


The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
....
....
...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on, there’s a love.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

don't suppose we could have a smaller font could we? - it makes it very painful on the eyes.

Ta

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of melife!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me self. Ye know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

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Husband and wife.....

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

LoL thats quite clever

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An American a Scotsman and an Irishmen were all drinking in the same bar, and all agreed that it was a decent place.
Then the Scotsman says "Aye this is a nice place, but where I come from back in Glasgow there's a better one. At McDougals, you buy a drink, then another drink and then McDougal himself will buy your third drink"
The others all agreed it sounded a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah that sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's a place called Vinny's, you buy a drink, then Vinny buys you a drink, you buy a drink, then Vinny buys you another drink".
The others all agreed it sounded a great place.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great, where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's they buy you your first drink, then buy you your second drink. then buy you your third drink, then take you round the back to get laid!"
"Wow, that's fantastic" say the other two, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"No" replied the Irishman, "it happened to my sister".

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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. :erm:

On your left side is a drop off' (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on) and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. :shocked:

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. :shocked:

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. :shocked:

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? :confused:

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get off the merry-go-round*

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Three women

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes!
The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said:
"The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,

"Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
:D

When you have had a bad day at work try this
 

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ~ Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.� Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.



Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A woman goes into her local chemist and asks the assistant if she can have a bottle of "rectal deodorant", the assistant looks at her rather bemused and says, "I'm sorry madam, but we don't sell such a product"
Unfazed the woman assures the assistant that she has been buying the product from this store on a regular basis.
The assistant replies, "I'm sorry madam, we don't sell that product"
The woman will not accept this and asks the assistant to check with the pharmacist, the pharmacist comes to the counter with a bemused expression and asks the woman, "do you have the container the product came in"
"YES!!", says the woman, "Ill go home and get it"
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to the women, "this is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".
Annoyed, the woman snatches the container back and reads out loud the instructions on the side of the container.
"To apply, push up bottom";)

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20 people were arrested when fighting broke out at an Irish wedding.
When they got them to the station the Sargent interviewed the best man and asked what happened.
"Well" said Paddy "as is normal at a wedding, I, as best man was having a dance with the bride when the groom ran over and kicked her right in the fanny.."
"Bloody hell" said the Sargent "that must have hurt". "It bloody did" said Paddy "it broke three of my fingers".

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed .
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.' :erm:

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'... :o:
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'.... :D

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!' :)
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!' :D

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver legged it away briskly.' :rolleyes:

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!' :erm:

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.' :shocked:

Si thee

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

In order to gain more street cred and a career lift Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the first syllable of her surname and rebranded herself as J Lo.
I can't understand with his career on the wane why Pete Docherty hasn't done the same.

---------- Post added at 18:17 ---------- Previous post was at 18:16 ----------

This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada, after a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain, after about 5 or 6 whiskys he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers, so he says to the barman "Whats that ?, the barman says "Its a Moose", and the scottish chap says wow!, how big are the cats!?

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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

'What a Great Chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive Calves you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

How to prove dogs are a mans best friend.

Take your dog and your wife.
Put the both in the boot of your car.
Leave them for an hour.

When you come back see which one is glad to see you.

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Murphy's lesser known laws.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, on a hill, in the fog, only to make a left hand turn in 100 yards.

7. The (so called) good things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't intelligent enough to get out of jury duty.

Sigh.................!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

2008 Tax Code

The only thing that the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pished off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 ' Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4' is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Hmmmm... mine is just a tad under 4 feet long :D


Now if that had been 4", I'd have kept shut ;)

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Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.

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That's spooky, I was telling a slightly different version of that joke to a mate at work today!

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Poll tax??

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Surely at 4 feet thats "pole" tax?

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Just had a bottle of "John Terry" beer

Label says "Produced in England Bottled in Russia"