Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

My boss came out into the office and said to me, "If you're going to fart, make sure you go to the toilet."

So on my next fart I followed through.

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I was at the Bank Cash Point today and an old man asked me to help check his balance... So I pushed him! I'm always willing to help! ;)

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

A man walks into the Doctors:

Doctor, Doctor, help me! I'm addicted to Twitter.

Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you...

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A lady stopped me as I walked past the bus stop today.

She said, "How much are buses these days?"

I said, "Sorry love I don't know, at a guess I'd say probably about £350,000 for a double decker."

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

I just knocked on my neighbours door and said, "Have you got any condoms?"

He said, "I've got piles."

I said, "Sorry to hear that mate, have you got any condoms?"

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Maybe he thought you were making a pass at him and it was his way of saying your not his type. :D

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Too soon?

What's difference between Mark Duggan & Peter Crouch?

A. Crouch never set Tottenham alight

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i would have thought the Mods wouldnt have stopped so low.

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I've just seen an 80's soul singer running down the high street carrying a 42" plasma TV.

I swear it was Looter Vandros

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Derek mate, find somebody else to get your jokes off. the one you are using is crap :)

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whats 9 inches long and keeps a woman happy for ages?

an iron :D

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They'll love mine then. it's 11 inches long. if you include the base.

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Mine is quite old and dribbles a lot.

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Dear Santa,

dont ****ing bother coming this year.

I've got loads of stuff already.

Delroy

Age 9

Tottenham

Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
 

Sorry about the caps. that's how I was sent it.


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.



IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.



IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT.



IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.


IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.



IF YOU CROSS THE UK BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENCE, NATIONAL INSURANCE CARD,
WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, BILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE, THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOUP ROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT FROM THE BRITISH AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.