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Stolen from today's BBC Newsnight E-Mail:
Today's offering was sent by Newsnight viewer Nick Webb: ------- A brand new store has just opened in London - and it sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store only once. There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you can't go back down except to leave the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Great," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Fantastic" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. -------- |
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Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
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Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too". I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday. |
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It helps them catch the tea leafs. (if you don't "get it", ask a cockney geezer) |
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How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles. |
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:rofl:
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:clap::clap::clap:
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What does DNA stand for?
The National Dyslexic Association. |
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Two ladies talking in Heaven...........
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.....:dozey: |
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not really a joke - but not worth a thread on it's own
badly placed ads http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx |
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My uncle who lives in Canada sent me this:
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Two old men feel they are close to their last days and decide to have a final night on the town. After drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam looks at the old geezers and whispers to her manager; “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.†The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they're walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!†“Dead?†says his friend, “Why do you say that?†“She never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.†His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.†“A witch, why the hell would you say that?†asks his friend. “Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite... She broke wind and flew out of the window.†:erm: |
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Dont you just hate all those lesbian websites.....theres always one going down....
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On that theme -
What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun? A computer that won't go down on you......... |
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And sticking with the current theme:)
Why do nuns walk in pairs???.... So that one nun can make sure that the other nun dont get none. Two nuns sitting on a park bench when a streaker run past.... One nun had a stroke but the other nun could`nt reach. |
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2 nuns in the bath.
1 says, "where's the soap?" The other replies, "yes, it does, doesn't it?" Quote:
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A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising the Lord." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." * :D |
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Seeing as there appears to be a religious streak to the jokes lately: :erm:
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you. :scratch: She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." ;) "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun French kiss me." :scratch: She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, however there are two things I need to be assured of first #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." :erm: The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" :Yes: :naughty: The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts sniggering.:D "My son, said the nun, what are you sniggering at?" :confused: "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned - I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish my name's Hymie." :cool: The nun says, "Oh that's OK, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." :Sprint: Si thee |
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Sister Bernadette walks into Mother Superior's room and confesses "I'm sorry Mother, I've become a prostitute"
"WHAT!!!!" screams Mother Superior. "Oh I'm sorry Mother, I'm truely sorry, I've become a prostitute" "Oh thanks heavans for that" replies Mother Superior "I thought you said a protestant". |
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Did you hear about the thief who fell into a container of wet cement?
He became a hardened criminal. |
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A man staggers into the hospital A&E with a nine iron wrapped around his neck. With this:
Doctor: "what on earth has happened to you" :erm: Man: "me and the wife were playing a round of golf when we both tee'ed off on the 14th and both chipped into the adjacent farmers field - which by the way had cows grazing nearby". :dozey: Doctor: "What happened then"? :erm: Man: Well I hopped over the fence and lifted the tail of each cow in turn until lo and behold I found the wife's ball was lodged in one of the cows anal orrifice. :dozey: Doctor: "oh really - and"? :erm: Man: "I shouted over to the missus and said darling this one looks just like yours..!!" :dozey: Doctor: "good heavens then what"? Man: " Can't remember - just recall waking up outside. :dunce: Si thee :Sprint: |
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused. "What the heck would they want with a plasterer?" |
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A gorilla walked into a quiet Waterford pub and putting down a five pound note asked the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman served him thinking "I bet he's a bit dim" then gave him back £1 in change, then wishing to be friendly said "We don't get many gorillas in here" "I bet you don't" replied the gorilla "If you charge them four quid a pint"
---------- Post added at 10:43 ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 ---------- Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The Vicar came to call on her one afternoon, she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat. while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young Vicar noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! When she returned with tea and cakes, the Vicar tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was returning from church and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter." |
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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" :confused:
St.Peter replies, "That's a question only God your creator can answer. :erm: " So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asks, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" :confused: God simply replied "You are what you are." :confused: The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?" :erm: The zebra looking even more puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'" St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.You are white with black stripes." :erm: The zebra (looking even more bemused) then says to St. Peter, "what - How do you know that for certain?" "Because," St. Peter replies, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, :erm: "You is what you is." :dozey: Sigh...............................! |
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hmmmmm
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Update - Sorry, I have now got the joke - it is about the difference between the singular and the plural uses of the second-person personal pronoun "you"; for instance, because you is both singular and plural, various English dialects have attempted to revive the distinction between a singular and plural you to avoid confusion between the two uses. This is typically done by adding a new plural form; examples of new plurals sometimes seen and heard are y'all/you-all (primarily in the southern United States and African American Vernacular English), you guys (in the U.S., particularly in Midwest, Northeast, and West Coast, and in Australia), youse/youse guys (Scotland, Northern England, Australia, New Zealand, New York City region, Philadelphia, Michigan's Upper Peninsula; also spelt without the E), and you-uns/yinz (Western Pennsylvania, The Appalachians). English spoken in Ireland, known as Hiberno-English, uses the word ye as the plural form, or yous. You're right, it is quite clever. ;) |
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Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for France but I was just too embarrassed to say." |
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Yezzum! Si thee :Sprint: |
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Veterinarian to yokel: "Do you know yon farm's got blue tongue?"
Yokel: "Crikey, I never even knew t' farmer had a mobile!" |
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Did you hear about Gareth Gates?
He went into a shop for a Mars bar and came out with 10 packets of M&Ms. |
Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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I don't get it:confused: ---------- Post added at 11:32 ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 ---------- Why are goths environmentally friendly? they use candles |
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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They all died straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is". |
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Sam Ting every Monday.
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." "Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?' The old man answered, "Ah...evleebody ask me that . It name of owner. " Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?" "It me," replies the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?" "Is simple", said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me Jewish from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?" He say, "Moshe Plotnik." Then she look at me and say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting." |
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10 signs you might be trailer trash:
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor. A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. :erm: |
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What about the man who couldn't remember the difference between incest and arson.
Set fire to his sister. :rolleyes: Si thee |
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Thats weird.
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My dad (who likes a drop of wine, as do I) sent me this:
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Another from my dad (where does he get them?): Quote:
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A man went to a dentist one day for his regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist then advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure. :erm:
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful, nevertheless the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. ;) The patient then went on to indicate that he had two experiences (in recent times) that had made him immune to pain, so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth and to the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince. :shocked: The dentist (quite astonished) remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences (you say you had) that made you immune to pain must have been something special, I'm intrigued would you care to tell me about them"? :erm: The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had the overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. So I ducked behind a bush, squatted down and I can't believe I didn't see it, but my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a (spring loaded) rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". :cry: The dentist (imagining the scene and turning pale) exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating - how very unfortunate, but that was the first experience what was the second". :o: The man replied "when I ran out of chain" :dozey: Si thee |
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A bit old but what the heck :D
One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed. Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed. Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression. One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question. After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok," she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Martin Keown?" :) |
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Another from my uncle:
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted at me, oi, what’s your disability mate? I said tourettes, you **** now **** off.
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http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/24...t34351237.#791 Cheers and Si thee |
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music - in women's breast implants The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them |
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Si thee |
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales . |
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Why so big and its already here ;) http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34358608-post803.html |
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Prince Charles takes up jogging
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds! He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*****d?!" |
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I Was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline. The call was routed to a call center in Pakistan.
I Told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane....... |
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:D
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The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow.
Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday." Wee Murray thinks, "Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle! Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? ' Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? ' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined. Teacher: "Who said.'we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?" Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin." Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?" Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee " Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front, "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing." Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday." Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F@&K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?" Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: "Who said that?" Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss." |
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And Kennedy was inaugurated on 20 January 1961. And the first lunar landing was on 20 July 1969. Can I have Friday and Monday off? |
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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned Bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.' 'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.' So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.' :D |
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Surely he would have said "sssssupervissssor or posssssssibly ssssomeone in sssssenior management"? |
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OK, then - the blind bunny should have said "if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all". |
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The kind of diet every woman can identify with......
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. BREAKFAST * 1 Grapefruit * 1 slice whole-wheat toast * 1 cup skimmed milk LUNCH * 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach * 1 cup herbal tea * 1 Penguin Biscuit AFTERNOON TEA * The rest of the Penguins from the packet * 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping DINNER * 4 bottles of wine (red or white) * 2 loaves garlic bread * 1 family size Supreme pizza * 3 Snickers bars LATE NIGHT SNACK * 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backwards is dessertsâ€Â. Personally I hate Pizza (Sh*T cakes) so this particular diet wouldn't suit me. :D Si thee |
Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home." |
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Paddy and Mick were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. :erm:
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. :) Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder." :erm: With that the blonde took an adjustable spanner from out of her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. :cool: She then got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. :) She then put the items in her bag, smiled Then, walked off. :) Mick then says to Paddy, "Isn't that just typical a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length." :dozey: :doh: Si thee |
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In a survey of UK football fans, Liverpool fans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries firm 86% of Liverpool fans said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't even been to prison yet |
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The three lions on the England badge are now going to be changed to three tampons after the terrible period lately
Cheap and tacky but someone has to make a joke of it I'll get my coat... |
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Well they have played like a complete bunch of fannies......... |
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A letter from Osama Bin Laden!
To: All Al Queda Fighters From: Bin Laden, Osama Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns: First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaal toaster). Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks. Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks. Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain, so stop that nonsense. Thanks Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.) Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os. PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore |
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Boy 'O' (who cannot be named for legal reasons) a rather violent, seven-year old was at the centre of a Merthyr Tyddfil Matrimonial Court drama this morning, when he challenged the court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his Aunty Gwladys, in keeping with child custodial law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunty Gwladys actually beat him more than his parents did and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, Myfanwy & Trefor, the boy cried and said that they too would often beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two adjournments to check legal references and confer with the Department of Social Services child welfare workers and also Save the Children consultants, the judge granted temporary custody to the ENTIIRE England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. His social worker, a very sexy Amanda McClaren (who can be named for Publicity purposes) said in a husky voice: "I'm so glad that the court has decided to listen to the little boy's plea - he has a very, very wise head on those wee shoulders. It is true that England have not beaten anyone since 1966." ****takes cover behind the sofa, ready for the onslaught!**** |
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It's a rather wet and miserable afternoon and a husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, along with their nine children. After a few minutes, a blind man joins them in the queue. :cool: :dozey: :dozey: ::knock::monkey::monkey::monkey::knock:
When the bus arrives, it becomes apparent that there's only enough room for ten people, so the wife and the kids get to ride on the bus, leaving the husband and the (now most unhappy) blind man :mad: with no alternative but to walk. :walk: :walk: So the two men set off in the same direction as the bus. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the blind man's stick constantly tapping on the pavement, and says to him, "Oi mate, your stick tap - tapping on the pavement is really getting on my wick, can't you stick some rubber on the end or something?" :eek::blah: With this, the blind man replies, "What! you've got a flaming nerve whining about my stick tapping! try (perhaps) thinking about the fact that if you'd have put some rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd ALL be riding the bus...! :dozey: :erm: Si thee :D |
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A traffic policeman pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Actually, Constable, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £60 fine and three points." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking." |
God loves blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well". "Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. 'PLEASE' let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, "Himself...." "Sweetheart,Work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket !" |
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LOL @ Both :D
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Stole this joke from another site, thought it was pretty good ;)
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Gordon Brown's?" asked the man. "Gordo's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." |
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WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, :) I pray for a man, who's not a creep, :) One who's handsome, smart and strong. :) One who'll listen all night long, :) One who thinks before he speaks, :) One who'll call, not wait for weeks. :) I pray he may be gainfully employed, :) So when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed. :) Pulls out my chair and opens my door, :) Massages my back and begs to do more. :) Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?' :) I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. :luv: MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac, with huge hooters who owns a pub and a betting shop. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t. :naughty: Si thee :Sprint: |
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Gillian Gibbons is appealing against her sentence.
She reckons the 15 days in a Sudanese jail was fair but being deported to Liverpool is excessive punishment. |
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I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10 . I called it Mohammed , then sold it for £15, my question is have I made a prophet ?
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Three Scots and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." With that, the door opens a few inches and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English see this and agree it's a clever idea. So after the match, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots (on the return trip) to save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket. However, to their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and learn," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three English cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves the toilet and walks over to the one where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Watch and learn - Jimmy! ;) |
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3 flies in a airing cupboard which one is in the army?
the one on the tank |
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Master Card Wedding
You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "---- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "---- you!" Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning. While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a Master Card "PRICELESS" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000... Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000... Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500... The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man: Priceless... There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD! "Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - - What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. |
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting (opposite him) at an adjacent table. He has been checking her out since he sat down and even though it is obvious that she is alone, he lacks the nerve to talk to her. :erm:
Suddenly (without warning) she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her. :D "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place ;). "please let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. :) They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams with him and he shares his with her. :luv: After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast, he agrees and they had a wonderful, wonderful time. :luv: The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed, everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. . .it's just so happened you caught my eye." :shocked: Si thee :Sprint: |
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MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.:D |
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Did you hear that Swampy died of a heart attack today?
Apparantly they offered him a by pass but he refused.:angel: |
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Men have the better friends...
There’s been strong debate over the years as to which sex has the better friends. Women claim to be closer and men claim to stick together. After many polls, surveys, and statistics the speculation is over. One particular case sums it up… Women’s Friends A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about. Men’s Friends A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. |
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The Magician
A magician worked on a cruise ship. As the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. :erm: However, The captain's parrot (who resided in an aviary inside the theatre) saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick and once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" :erm: The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. :mad: Then one night (after a fierce storm) the ship sank. As luck would have it, the magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with (believe it or not), the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. :mad: Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: :erm: "OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?" :dozey: Si thee :Sprint: |
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Ron's present
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter: Dear Kate, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love Ron. P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Why does Edward Woodward have four D's in his name?
.....Well If he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar |
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knock knock
who is it? doctor doctor who? how did you guess! |
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run away!!!!!!!
---------- Post added at 16:28 ---------- Previous post was at 15:52 ---------- Blonde: I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars. Tech: Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is. Blonde: Okay, but they show up even when nobody is standing behind me. ------------------------------------------ A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. He tells the bartender, "This is my pet. His name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why'd you name him Tiny?" "Because he's my newt!" ------------------------------------------ John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, "Gross!" The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!" |
Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try". "That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help". "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" "Where did it go?" says Arthur. "I can't remember". |
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." |
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Knock, Knock.
Who's there? Death. Death wh- |
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Yay!!
At last..... He must have hit the save button as he slumped over the keyboard. |
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I knew I wouldn't get what I wanted for Christmas. Only joking - I would miss you. But I would get the sights adjusted, and I wouldn't miss you the next time. :D |
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