Constipated...

[chuzzlemonkey]

OK.

I need some serious help people!

The lady has been constipated all week! And normally I wouldn't post about it but she just won't stop moaning! And to be fair, when I'm eating my cocopops i don't want to hear it!

HELP???

We've tried everything...

Laxatives/BRAN..more BRAN...epic amounts of Bran.

One site she visited even suggested eating grass! :shrug:
Why oh why would you eat grass?

Can someone help me make it all go away???? :erm:

[papa smurf]

my x missus suffered constantly from childhood she tried every thing finaly i went to a herbal shop run by an asian gent he put me on to Sena pods ,you just make a tea with them they will move a mountain.

[superbiatch]

Won't bran just 'bung her up' so to speak? :rolleyes:

How about something senna based, or that one which is always on the box - the stool softener :D (sorry, but that always makes me larf!).

If she's got pains, i find that some boiled water allowed to cool a little helps :)

[Kymmy]

If it's been a week and laxatives don't help then I'd take her to a doctor as that's just not a ehalthy digestive system at work...

[chuzzlemonkey]

Won't bran just 'bung her up' so to speak? :rolleyes:

How about something senna based, or that one which is always on the box - the stool softener :D (sorry, but that always makes me larf!).

If she's got pains, i find that some boiled water allowed to cool a little helps :)

I don't know? Does it? lol...if it does then that might be why she hasn't pooed for like a week! :monkey:

Should i make her drink the boiled water or put it on her belly? lol

I just wana eat my cocopops in peace! :dozey:

[LondonRoad]

A vindaloo washed down with 6 pints of Guinness always works for me.... and since it's St Patrick's day a sprig shamrock on the vindaloo. ;)

[joglynne]

If it's been a week and laxatives don't help then I'd take her to a doctor as that's just not a ehalthy digestive system at work...

As Kymmy says if it's been a full week then medical intervention could be needed and maybe discussing it with her doctor could sort out why it has happened.

In the mean time you could try the old standby of 2 or 3 pieces of Liquorice, but don't let her over do the amount she has as it can have bad side effects if you take large quantities over a prolonged period.

[fireman328]

Won't bran just 'bung her up' so to speak? :rolleyes:

How about something senna based, or that one which is always on the box - the stool softener :D (sorry, but that always makes me larf!).

If she's got pains, i find that some boiled water allowed to cool a little helps :)

I think you need to have roughage to help the digestive transfer to the lower bowel to get it going. No pun intended.

[Taf]

Only a week? Some people can go longer than that... it depends on your diet too.

Freshly squeezed orange juice gets me moving... or a garden hose inserted..... owee... owee... owee! Nope, scrap that idea......

But if you have a really dry lower colon content you'd better standby for some tears....

[WHISTLED]

Hot coffee, lots of it and few hours later its slipping out a treat!

Top thread!

[Fingy]

Doctors, whilst waiting on an appt try Fybrogel, my mother swears by it. (Thankfully she also wouldn't know how to turn a computer on so I'm safe from getting yelled at!)

[Kymmy]

Picolax (now is there an evil grin smilie as that suggestion truly warrants it!!! - Youtube it if you don't believe me and yes I have had it before a colon op)

[chuzzlemonkey]

Hot coffee, lots of it and few hours later its slipping out a treat!

Top thread!


lol i should rename it 101 ways to make yourself poo? :D

We should get 101 ways, then close the thread and make it a sticky! :p:

[Kymmy]

I think it'll make itself sticky at that point....EEEEWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

[Peter_]

You mean to say that your good lady is full of it:D

Try syrup of figs but use a Table spoon, a mate of mine years ago was constipated and we persuaded him it was a misprint on the bottle and it was not a Tea spoon he should take, but it did work and it left him feeling rather empty and drained.:LOL:

[on in an hour!]

my missus says fresh pineapple got her moving when she was due to give birth,not the same as being constipated but oooooohhhhh the relief!! :D :D

[Ravenheart]

I think it'll make itself sticky at that point....EEEEWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Especially after picolax!!!

Might be worth going to see a pharmacist or GP if it continues, just to be on the safe side.

[LemonyBrainAid]

I suggest this thread is archived and displayed on the front page, to publicise the amazing knowledgebase we have regarding forced bowel movements.

Who's with me?

:p:

[chuzzlemonkey]

I think it'll make itself sticky at that point....EEEEWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

lol...the tone of this thread has gone down the toilet!

:D :D :D

[broadbandking]

You could hit her really hard in the stomach with a brick that might move it

[chuzzlemonkey]

You could hit her really hard in the stomach with a brick that might move it

No you're getting confused...

she wants to lay a brick..not get laid out by a brick! :D

[pabscars]

Sugar free mints tend to work for me, eg coolmints, its to do with the artificial sweeteners used, it even says on the lable not to eat too many as it can give you the squits.

I have another method but the mrs will really have be in the mood :)

[Graham M]

Was it ever out? :shocking:

[Welshchris]

tried a stick of dynamite? lol

[Ramrod]

Strong black coffee is a good laxative

[shredder]

Prune juice!

[danielf]

Green tea seems to work for my wife. That is, she normally drinks a lot of green tea, and not drinking it gives her constipation.

[chuzzlemonkey]

Green tea seems to work for my wife. That is, she normally drinks a lot of green tea, and not drinking it gives her constipation.

Or maybe its that she's a green tea junkie and constipation is a withdrawal sympton!? lol :dozey:

[shredder]

Ha ha! I actually tried it just to see if it was vile (wasn't actually constipated)! Mix it with a bit of raspberry or cranberry juice and it's actually quite nice! It does regulate things! :erm:

[chuzzlemonkey]

Ha ha! I actually tried it just to see if it was vile (wasn't actually constipated)

Lies...just admit the pipes were clogged...its ok! :p

[bywater]

This always works for me a hot bath. Lemon juice and honey and a cup of tea.

On a serious note please don't force it as it could lead to a stroke. It is common for people to have strokes while straining. To keep regular take plenty of fibre. One of my most common causes of constipation is late nights and stress. So anything to relieve stress a great help and early nights. If you don't go one day never worry just wait worrying makes it worst. Hope that is of some help to ya.

[joglynne]

@ chuzzlemonky. When you get home are you going to tell your dear wife about all our suggestions?

................. As you give her the advise we have put forward are you by any chance going to tell her that the advise was given by us, on an open forum, after you broadcast the fact that she is CONSTIPATED to the whole of the world wide web.

................ I'd duck if I was you.

:D

[WHISTLED]

If she gets it so far you could do a forcep delivery - Must have some kitchen tongs around

[chuzzlemonkey]

@ chuzzlemonky. When you get home are you going to tell your dear wife about all our suggestions?

................. As you give her the advise we have put forward are you by any chance going to tell her that the advise was given by us, on an open forum, after you broadcast the fact that she is CONSTIPATED to the whole of the world wide web.

................ I'd duck if I was you.

:D

Aha if i do give her any of the suggestions i'll make out i found them on some kind of specialist constipation website...constipated.com/bumole? lol

If she knew i would be killed! :shocked:

Dont tell on mee!

[Fingy]

If she gets it so far you could do a forcep delivery - Must have some kitchen tongs around


You worry me more and more every day.

[LemonyBrainAid]

If she gets it so far you could do a forcep delivery - Must have some kitchen tongs around

Made me cringe :erm::erm::erm::erm:

[Raistlin]

I just hope for your sake that she doesn't use Google to try to find her own answers to this problem :erm:

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/%3Cimg%20src=%22http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/1645/constipated.png%22%20border=%220%22%3E

http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/1645/constipated.png
http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/%3Cimg%20src=%22http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/1645/constipated.png%22%20border=%220%22%3E

[rogerdraig]

you could try Glycerol Suppositories you can get them from any chemist

good fact sheet here

http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/constipation.html#6

if all else fails get an enema from the DR if it really wont shift though they will want to know what else you have tried first

[Maggy]

How is her fluid intake? The digestive system does need a fair amount of fluids to work properly.:erm:

[Hom3r]

I heard that constipated accountants work it out with a pencil

:tiptoe::Sprint:

[Maggy]

I heard that constipated accountants work it out with a pencil

:tiptoe::Sprint:

Really!! That's an image I truly didn't need in my minds eye...:bsmack:

[homealone]

I think the advice to get Mrs chuzzle to consult her GP is the best, so far.

If nothing else they should confirm the other advice given - i.e. adequate fluid intake, regular exercise & a diet which contains natural fruits and vegetables & whole grain cereals, all help your gut to work :)

[lucy7]

Dogs eat grass when they have bad tummys!

Well go on ...tell us!

Anything worked yet??? ;):)

[mr,m]

Once stood in the home end at Leeds Unt supporting the away team. Found that most helpfull with the old bowels!

[apophis]

tried a pencil..........

[Kymmy]

Any movement on this subject yet??????

:rolleyes: :D

[chuzzlemonkey]

Dogs eat grass when they have bad tummys!

Well go on ...tell us!

Anything worked yet??? ;):)

UPDATE people...


Woke up this morning and she still can't poo...which is great to talk about when its 6am and i should be dribbling sleepily on my pillow :dozey:

Have told her to go to the doctors but she's waaaay too subborn to go.

grr :(

[Russ]

Have told her to go to the doctors but she's waaaay too subborn to go.

You can't help but admire the irony in the fact she is copying her bowels... :disturbd:

[LondonRoad]

I'm sure it'll all come out good in the end. :)

[chuzzlemonkey]

lol!

And i swear if i have to listen to this for 2 weeks and then all she does is a rabbit dropping then i'm leaving her! :D

[Russ]

lol!

And i swear if i have to listen to this for 2 weeks and then all she does is a rabbit dropping then i'm leaving her! :D

That's right. You tell her it's Swiss Rolls only and NOT Malteasers.

[chuzzlemonkey]

Swiss rolls?

I want yule-tide logs! :dozey:

[Russ]

Swiss rolls?

I want yule-tide logs! :dozey:

Mate if she can grunt them out that size then she really needs to see a doctor....

[chuzzlemonkey]

Mate if she can grunt them out that size then she really needs to see a doctor....


:p:

Maybe she'll never poo again?
Oh what a simple life!

Russ B I can't help but find your signature rather appropriate for this thread! lmao! ;)

[Russ]

:p:

Maybe she'll never poo again?
Oh what a simple life!

You accusing her of being full of ****???

Russ B I can't help but find your signature rather appropriate for this thread! lmao! ;)

Well yes, that's also connected to someone else who is full of **** too ;)

[Welshchris]

u never know while ur at work u will hear what u think is a rumble of thunder when its actually her on the loo lol

[chuzzlemonkey]

Come on. The girl hasn't had a bowel movement in a week!
I'd say she's a bit more than full of it.
Saturated is probably more appropriate! lol

And are you implying that some people of CF are full of poo?
Never! :D

[MovedGoalPosts]

She should eat the microwave meal I had last night. Gotta run :Sprint:

[chuzzlemonkey]

She should eat the microwave meal I had last night. Gotta run :Sprint:

What was that?
Got the runs? :p:

[shredder]

Lies...just admit the pipes were clogged...its ok! :p

Ha no I actually wasn't! The amount of stick I got at work drinking it.....I haven't drank it since!

[Welshchris]

Ha no I actually wasn't! The amount of stick I got at work drinking it.....I haven't drank it since!

Phaps giving some of that to the British Olympic team in 2012 may get us some Gold medals lol.

[Peter_]

What was that?
Got the runs? :p:
Does she know that you have asked for advice on a computer forum that can be seen worldwide because that might just get a movement out of her, and a frying pan around your head.

[chuzzlemonkey]

lol she actually does know now...
told her lady night. Luckily she has an odd sense of humour like me. So she found it more funny than anything!

[Peter_]

lol she actually does know now...
told her lady night. Luckily she has an odd sense of humour like me. So she found it more funny than anything!
So this not being posted from a hospital bed then.

I would still go with a table spoon of syrup of figs though, she will feel the rush/gush.:D

[chuzzlemonkey]

So this not being posted from a hospital bed then.

I would still go with a table spoon of syrup of figs though, she will feel the rush/gush.:D

Aha. Sounds like something you know a lot about?
Something you're not telling us mr moldova? ;)

[Peter_]

Aha. Sounds like something you know a lot about?
Something you're not telling us mr moldova? ;)
Post early in the thread about telling a friend it was a misprint and it was not a tea spoon but a table spoon and fell about laughing after he swallowed it.

It worked though, but she would need a good book to sit down with though.

[WHISTLED]

If she doesnt get it out soon she will need stitches... Can you see a bump in her stomach yet?

[chuzzlemonkey]

If she doesnt get it out soon she will need stitches... Can you see a bump in her stomach yet?

lol you actually can!

[Raistlin]

I think she really needs to go see a Doctor.

[chuzzlemonkey]

i agree! just got to get her to go now! lol
and to make things worse i think i have the sympathy squits now!
*parrp*

[Raistlin]

:redcard:

Let's at least try to retain some semblance of decency shall we? ;)

[Nugget]

:redcard:

Let's at least try to retain some semblance of decency shall we? ;)

He could always try her with a corset - I understand that they'll squeeze anything out :)

[chuzzlemonkey]

Well if anyone would know, it would be someone called nugget :D

[Nugget]

Well if anyone would know, it would be someone called nugget :D

Trust me - you really don't want Nugget around when she finally blows :D

[WHISTLED]

she just needs to bite down and push - feel the force, build it and they will come

[Peter_]

I think she really needs to go see a Doctor.
He can get the rubber gloves and remove the blockage and there she blows.:D

[Julian]

Just a thought, If you've recently had a night of passion, it might be worth checking around the kitchen for missing items. ;)

[chuzzlemonkey]

lol!

There will be no rubber gloving thankyour Mr Moldova!

And i can't even reply to Julian's post! :angel:

[MovedGoalPosts]

And i can't even reply to Julian's post! :angel:

I'm glad about that :erm: Despite this thread, the forum does still have some standards :p:

In all seriousness, whilst we are having a bit of a laugh at the predicament, it really must be about time she got some proper medical advice. Even if short term there isn't a serious issue one wonders if this can cause longer term complications. Forums are not the best place to obtain medical advice, there are too many armchair experts who can misdirect.

[chuzzlemonkey]

Very true. She's too stubborn to go to the docs tho!
I'm kind of hoping the volcano theory will kick in before too long?

Its only so long before they erupt...

[LondonRoad]

If this goes on much longer you may have to think of names for the...:erm: impending arrival.

[Russ]

Very true. She's too stubborn to go to the docs tho!
I'm kind of hoping the volcano theory will kick in before too long?

Its only so long before they erupt...

I'm envisaging someone releasing the knot from a balloon and watching it go....

[Nugget]

If this goes on much longer you may have to think of names for the...:erm: impending arrival.

'Turtle' might just cut the mustard ;)

[chuzzlemonkey]

I'm envisaging someone releasing the knot from a balloon and watching it go....

The sound would probably be rather similar also! lol

[Russ]

'Turtle' might just cut the mustard ;)

Well yes, you've got the consistency right....

[chuzzlemonkey]

lol consistency... *shakes head*

That's probably a word that this thread didn't need to see! :D

*puts his cheese on toast down*

[Nugget]

*puts his cheese on toast down*

I'm just hoping that you didn't have Worcester Sauce on it ;)

[chuzzlemonkey]

HP

'nuff said :(

[Nugget]

HP

'nuff said :(

HP stands for Hard Poo, d'you know?

;)

[looselipsuk]

Hopefully everything will work itself out, so to speak, but there is a serious side to this.
Your wife may have an intestinal blockage which can be very serious. In a worst case scenario would need immediate hospital intervention as can be life threatening. I must strongly advise if she does not go soon then she must see her doctor, if only to determine the cause of the problem.

[Nugget]

Hopefully everything will work itself out, so to speak, but there is a serious side to this.
Your wife may have an intestinal blockage which can be very serious. In a worst case scenario would need immediate hospital intervention as can be life threatening. I must strongly advise if she does not go soon then she must see her doctor, if only to determine the cause of the problem.

If I can ignore the very sensible advice in this post, does anybody else find it a little ironic that it's come from someone called 'loose lips'?

[chuzzlemonkey]

Wife? Lets calm down a bit here im only 21 ;)

Agreed, though. I shall drag her there kicking and screaming if i don't get any unpleasant whiffs later today.

[Welshchris]

cant believe im reading this after just eating HP Brown sauce

[chuzzlemonkey]

cant believe im reading this after just eating HP Brown sauce

Is money tight then? I generally like to put the sauce on something! lol

[Peter_]

Is money tight then? I generally like to put the sauce on something! lol
Ah is that why you refused to answer Julians post about what you did in the kitchen.

[Russ]

Is money tight then?

Perhaps as tight as....nah, I can't. Not even I would drag this thread down that far...

[Turkey Machine]

Perhaps as tight as....nah, I can't. Not even I would drag this thread down that far...

But I would.............. :D:D:D

[Nugget]

But I would.............. :D:D:D

I thought I already had :D

[Raistlin]

:LOL:

If you search Google for 'constipated' and select UK sites only we're on Page 1 - you're in so much trouble :D :D

[Nugget]

:LOL:

If you search Google for 'constipated' and select UK sites only we're on Page 1 - you're in so much trouble :D :D

In fact, you're positively in the sh.. ;)

[tweetypie/8]

OK.

I need some serious help people!

The lady has been constipated all week! And normally I wouldn't post about it but she just won't stop moaning! And to be fair, when I'm eating my cocopops i don't want to hear it!

HELP???

We've tried everything...

Laxatives/BRAN..more BRAN...epic amounts of Bran.

One site she visited even suggested eating grass! :shrug:
Why oh why would you eat grass?

Can someone help me make it all go away???? :erm:

you could try a minature depth charge,bound to make a hole in it.;)

[Maggy]

This thread gets one of these..not handed it out for years...


Download Failed (1)

[Peter_]

This thread gets one of these..not handed it out for years...


Download Failed (1)
Now Chuzzlemonkey will really be full of himself or ( whatever you feel fits )

[joglynne]

I vote that the award goes to Mrs Chuzzlemonkey.

[Will21st]

How about Glauber's Salt? That works a treat... ;)

[Russ]

Any news? Has she dropped yet?

Oooooo it's like waiting for an overdue birth :D

[Hugh]

Any news? Has she dropped yet?

Oooooo it's like waiting for an overdue birth :D

What's it's name?

Richard! ;)

[Ravenheart]

For some reason this thread reminded me of the old Amiga arsewipe demo (showing my age now) :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG4qM6EwZAY

[Arthurgray50@blu]

I will tell you, the way l achieved success, was two ways, Eat about three golden delicious apples, or chew soft mints - it works for me.

[Hugh]

Arthur, why am I not surprised you suffer from constipation?

I always thought you were full of ..........








.......... good ideas.;)

[Russ]

Arthur, why am I not surprised you suffer from constipation?

I always thought you were full of ..........

Don't you dare!!!!

.......... good ideas.;)

Lucky ;)

Anyway, I wonder how much it'll weight :D

[DRZ400]

:D

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v215/sprout_net/mrtoilet.jpg

---------- Post added at 21:07 ---------- Previous post was at 21:00 ----------

You can't beat a bit of toilet humour!

Captains Log, Stardate...... :D

https://www.cableforum.co.uk/images/local/2009/03/49.jpg

[alferret]

For some reason this thread reminded me of the old Amiga arsewipe demo (showing my age now) :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG4qM6EwZAY


PMSL :D excellent :tu:

---------- Post added at 21:10 ---------- Previous post was at 21:09 ----------

:D



Captains LOG, Stardate...... :D

https://www.cableforum.co.uk/images/local/2009/03/49.jpg


Just gimme a minute I need to stop crying :D


On more serious note (fifth from the Bottom)

THE POOPIE LIST
THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL: This occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE: So noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK: This has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any **** created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER: A **** so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this **** has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER: A dump which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This **** is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL: A **** that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to **** (i.e., during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near ******** facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny **** which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position -- usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE: This occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's ****.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE: This may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T ****.
PREMEDITATED POOPIE: Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA: Fear of ******** -- can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL: Also known as a "Still Going" ****.
THE POWER DUMP: The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER: This kind of **** is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log ****).
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POOPIE: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap *****. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE: When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE: Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE PERFECT POOPIE: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE BEER POOPIE: Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
THE CHILI POOPIE: Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili poopie stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
THE CABLE POOPIE: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
THE LATRINE POOPIE: In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
THE MONA LISA POOPIE: This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
THE EMPTY ROLL POOPIE: You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome.Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
THE SPLASH BACK POOPIE: You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
THE ABORTED POOPIE: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
THE ALFRESCO POOPIE: Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
THE CHILDBIRTH POOPIE: This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
THE TIJUANA TROT POOPIE: The phrase "**** Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
THE MACHINE GUN POOPIE: You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.
THE SOUND EFFECT POOPIE: You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
THE SECURITY POOPIE: You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
THE CLING-ON POOPIE: For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
THE HOUDINI POOPIE: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
THE FLUE POOPIE: You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
THE PORTA-POTTIE POOPIE: Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a **** in an upright coffin". It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper cup.
THE PROCTOLOGIST POOPIE: In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
THE WHOLE ROLL POOPIE: No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
THE GRAFFITI POOPIE: You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there...love it or leave it. It's your choice.
THE ENCORE POOPIE: Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
THE BORN AGAIN POOPIE: This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth ...you forget the pain quickly.
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

[Peter_]

Alferret that is so bad that its good.:D

[Maggy]

oh boy...

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[Arthurgray50@blu]

Hi Foreverwar, I don't suffer from constipation, l just said l eat apples and mints, can't you read properly,- go to specsavers;)

[Hugh]

Hi Foreverwar, I don't suffer from constipation, l just said l eat apples and mints, can't you read properly,- go to specsavers;)
It must be the iron(y) in your diet... :D

[Peter_]

oh boy...

Download Failed (1)
I think you need a special sewer badge.

[DRZ400]

6 pints of Guinness and she could resurface the M25.

[Chicken]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeRqvglpLZ0

[Peter_]

Just a thought:D:D:D

Approximately 40% of pregnant women experience constipation during their pregnancy.

Taken from http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Constipation/Pages/Introduction.aspx?url=Pages/what-is-it.aspx

[broadbandking]

Poor Mrs Monkey

[chuzzlemonkey]

Just a thought:D:D:D

Approximately 40% of pregnant women experience constipation during their pregnancy.

Taken from http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Constipation/Pages/Introduction.aspx?url=Pages/what-is-it.aspx

:erm:

[Will21st]

:erm:

what do you mean :erm: ? You should be more like :Yikes: :p:

[Peter_]

:erm:
Or even :eeek::omg:http://smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Smoking/smoking-cigar-037.gif (http://smileyshut.com)

[broadbandking]

Jermey Kyle here Mr and Mrs Chuzzle Monkey come

---------- Post added at 11:38 ---------- Previous post was at 11:37 ----------

what do you mean :erm: ? You should be more like :Yikes: :p:

You won't be like that if you ahd met him a lil chuzzle Moneky running round, run for the hills lol

[MovedGoalPosts]

So, has she dropped yet ;)

[chuzzlemonkey]

There shall be no little chuzzlemonkeys anytime soon thankyou very much. :D

I plan to have many child-less years yet.

Now can we please be sensible and get back to talking about how to make my girlfriend poo? ;)

---------- Post added at 11:42 ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 ----------

So, has she dropped yet ;)

Still no! :erm: She's at work at the moment, though and she works in a tiny little hair dressers. So if she went there all her clients would hear/smell it! :td:

[Peter_]

Ok thread back on track

http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Disgusting/toilet-5.gif (http://www.smileyshut.com/get-smileys-huts-free-smiley-code/3023.html)http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Disgusting/toilet-4.gif
(http://www.smileyshut.com/get-smileys-huts-free-smiley-code/3022.html)

[Raistlin]

Still no! :erm: She's at work at the moment, though and she works in a tiny little hair dressers. So if she went there all her clients would hear/smell it! :td:

Once she's gained some experience there does she get to go and cut full-sized hair?

:)

[broadbandking]

There shall be no little chuzzlemonkeys anytime soon thankyou very much. :D

I plan to have many child-less years yet.

Now can we please be sensible and get back to talking about how to make my girlfriend poo? ;)

---------- Post added at 11:42 ---------- Previous post was at 11:41 ----------



Still no! :erm: She's at work at the moment, though and she works in a tiny little hair dressers. So if she went there all her clients would hear/smell it! :td:

When she does the whole world will hear it

[chuzzlemonkey]

Once she's gained some experience there does she get to go and cut full-sized hair?

:)

No she's only got litttle Jeremy Beadle hands so she can only cut the borrowers' hair :p:

[Peter_]

No she's only got litttle Jeremy Beadle hands so she can only cut the borrowers' hair :p:
http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Animals/banana-monkey-34.gif (http://www.smileyshut.com/get-smileys-huts-free-smiley-code/2366.html) http://www.smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Animals/ape-1301.gif (http://www.smileyshut.com/get-smileys-huts-free-smiley-code/2365.html)

[broadbandking]

No she's only got litttle Jeremy Beadle hands so she can only cut the borrowers' hair :p:

So she only has one small hand
Make sure you grab her good hand

[fireman328]

I have some pics of really badly mutilated ex humans from my service days, I seemed to be duty officer every time a real bad one came in to the coroner.

[Julian]

Have you tried playing her one of your Barry Manilow cd's ?

[Peter_]

Has voided her bowels yet http://smileyshut.com/smileys/new/Disgusting/toilet-3.gif (http://smileyshut.com)

[rogerdraig]

you could always try this

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xmm14_brainiac-the-brown-noise_fun


:angel:;)

[Lord Nikon]

Anyone suggested Nat Lax TNT (http://www.ownlabelproduct.co.uk/natural-laxative.html) yet?
Or perhaps treat her to a Colonic Irrigation (http://www.colonhealth.net/colon_hydrotherapy/index.html)

[superbiatch]

So there is still no 'movement'?

[LondonRoad]

It looks like this thread is going to run and run.... perhaps not. :erm:

[chuzzlemonkey]

UPDATE

On the early hours of Sunday morning Mrs chuzzlemonkey finally let go of her 'load' lol.

She pooed! *dances*

Apparently it was only the size of a rabbit dropping, though :erm:

[Russ]

Congratulations! You must be very proud!

How much did it weigh?

[chuzzlemonkey]

Well...i didn't pick it up so i'm not sure to be honest! lol

[moaningmags]

Fresh fruit, pure orange juice, salted peanuts, all good for making you go.

There's also Lactulose, tasteless and disgusting but does the job.

What's all the fuss about anyway, 3 or 4 weeks inbetween going is normal, well for me anyway.

This thread should come with a TMI hazard sign :D

[banjo]

Movicol is very good, after that you can bend over pass wind and pebble dash three houses at once !

[lucy7]

Congratulations! You must be very proud!

How much did it weigh?


Do you want help on help on naming the new arrival Chuzzle??? ;)

[Chris]

UPDATE

On the early hours of Sunday morning Mrs chuzzlemonkey finally let go of her 'load' lol.

She pooed! *dances*

Apparently it was only the size of a rabbit dropping, though :erm:
Have you shown the poor woman this thread? :scratch: