View Full Version : I dont know what to do
I don't know what to do here.
I have a partner and a 6 month old son. I am not feeling happy at all in the relationship. My partner never helps me in the house with housework. I have to ask I normally get huffs and puffs when I do so.
Ever since we have got this house she has been lazy. She hardly ever has a bath or shower now. Sits on the PC most of the night. Plus she never wants to ring up anywhere. Like we needed a copy of her last 3 wage slips and I had to ring up her payroll as she pulled a face about it.
I was training at work the other day and forgot my training book. I asked if she would go back to the house and pick it up for me as we had both gone up the road. She said ok but when she returned she was in a foul mood with me. And in front of all my work colleagues to. She will also sometimes wakes up and start snapping at me and when I ask whats wrong she simply says I feel like being in a mood.
Its really starting to get me down now. We have had words in the past and she promises to change but never does. Its always a change of like 2 weeks then its back to her normal self.
I have feelings for my ex still who was my first true love and I feel I can never love my partner in the same way I love my ex.
But since I got this house would I get help with rent and Council Tax being a single occupant. I am hoping to keep my son here and let her have access as I feel she cant look after herself yet let alone a child to. So if that was the case I would be a Single parent.
Any advice would be great.
Thanks
Best thing I can suggest is talk to your partner.
Strangers on a forum might not be the best place to go for relationship advice.
Best thing I can suggest is talk to your partner.
Strangers on a forum might not be the best place to go for relationship advice.
I have spoke to her a number of times and nothing ever changes. I dont feel anything will even change. This is how she is and I am not happy at all
Have you tried Relate (the old Marriage Guidance Council)?
Have you tried Relate (the old Marriage Guidance Council)?
Does it matter that we are not married.
smicer07
16-02-2007, 09:59
Sounds to me that she may be seeing someone else, or want to do so. I'm only basing that on what happened to me, as my ex's behaviour was similar to yours before our relationship ended. Maybe she's had her head turned and that's why she's in such a mood with you. Only guessing though mate, could be nothing of the sort.
Does it matter that we are not married.
As far as I know, it doesn't.
---------- Post added at 10:04 ---------- Previous post was at 10:00 ----------
Does it matter that we are not married.
Just checked their site (http://www.relate.org.uk) and they don't mention any need to be married. The site also gives some advice on relationships, as well as how to arrange consultations.
It is possible she senses you don't love her as much as your ex, and her hurt makes her take it out on you. Relate deals with relationship problems, here is the link, hope it helps and that you can resolve your problems:tu:
http://www.relate.org.uk/
One thing that jumped out at me as I started reading is the possibility that your partner may have Post Natal Depression. From experience I know how much it can affect someone's actions, thoughts and behaviour.
Please take the time to talk to your partner, ask her how she really feels and maybe see if you can have a talk with your health visitor before you go down any of the routes you talked about.
orangebird
16-02-2007, 10:12
One thing that jumped out at me as I started reading is the possibility that your partner may have Post Natal Depression. From experience I know how much it can affect someone's actions, thoughts and behaviour.
Please take the time to talk to your partner, ask her how she really feels and maybe see if you can have a talk with your health visitor before you go down any of the routes you talked about.
Exactly my thoughts Debs. Can't believe it took 8 replies to suggest it! That needs to be dealt with.
Although, Be*, if you're not sure of your feelings for her, then that needs to be sorted too. Are you unsure of your feelings because of her moodswings, or would you still feel the same if she was the happiest lady in the world?
One thing that jumped out at me as I started reading is the possibility that your partner may have Post Natal Depression.
Thats exactly what I thought, having been on the receiving end from my wife ( at the time ) after the birth of our second child, the stories are almost the same, as has been said, talk to her, ask how she would feel about talking to someone, also, I'm picking up that you seem to have resigned yourself to the fact that it's over, making plans already for a single life, that can't be helping things IMHO, not wanting to point finger or blame anyone, best thing is probably talking too her and your Dr.
Hope all ends well.
Exactly my thoughts Debs. Can't believe it took 8 replies to suggest it! That needs to be dealt with.
Although, Be*, if you're not sure of your feelings for her, then that needs to be sorted too. Are you unsure of your feelings because of her moodswings, or would you still feel the same if she was the happiest lady in the world?
If she was happy and we did things together like we should. I would be the happiest man in the world. Its just the mood swings for no reason that gets me down.
orangebird
16-02-2007, 10:20
If she was happy and we did things together like we should. I would be the happiest man in the world. Its just the mood swings for no reason that gets me down.
Then you need to approach her about the possibility of PND. It'll be hard work, but it really does sound as though that's her problem..Do you still have health visitor visits for the baby? That might be a good starting point to talk to them about it? Good luck :)
One thing that jumped out at me as I started reading is the possibility that your partner may have Post Natal Depression. From experience I know how much it can affect someone's actions, thoughts and behaviour.
Please take the time to talk to your partner, ask her how she really feels and maybe see if you can have a talk with your health visitor before you go down any of the routes you talked about.
I thought he was seeing my ex, but I think this is more likely :)
Please understand that PND is an illness and that she may not realise she has it. Your partner is full of hormones and they sometimes they can make her do things she would never normally consider.
I'm not sure how much you feel the relationship has run it's course but if you feel it's worth hanging on for, then please read the advice given and give it some consideration. Your partner may be feeling extremely down so a gentle gentle approach with kid gloves is needed, don't go in and confront her or make her feel even worse. Good luck with everything :hugs:
Delta Whiskey
16-02-2007, 10:30
I think the ladies are right, luckily for me I was an observer not one of the participants.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_advice/facts/depressionpostnatal.htm
http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=429
DW
idi banashapan
16-02-2007, 11:37
I'm gonna be totally honest with you. You may not like it, but tough! My missus turned like that after having our littlun. nearly 6 years later and she's STILL like it. I've tried the lot. We've talked and talked and tried to change, but we just don't really work together. We may have done before, but now, we just don't. I guess some people are just not meant to be with each other. My problem is that financially and due to the little one, I'm not getting out any time soon. Be strong and don't deny anything. If it isn't working, call it a day and walk on. This doesn't mean you can't be a father to you child, but if you can afford to go, maybe, just maybe, it's for the best. No point in having 3 miserable people in the house.
Fortunately, my daughter is very happy as I keep my unhappiness to myself. But the missus and I really have nothing in common anymore. There's no emotion in the relationship and Valentines was such a hollow token exchange of cards. There really is nothing there anymore. I've learned the hard way, so my advice is straight from the position you are in. Make a choice before it's too late to do so other wise you could be stuck in a hole longer than you want to be.
It's very hard to admit it, especially with a little one involved, and I totally understand how you don't want the innocent one to become yet another statistic, but sometimes you have to be selfish.
I was training at work the other day and forgot my training book. I asked if she would go back to the house and pick it up for me as we had both gone up the road. She said ok but when she returned she was in a foul mood with me. And in front of all my work colleagues to. She will also sometimes wakes up and start snapping at me and when I ask whats wrong she simply says I feel like being in a mood.
Its really starting to get me down now. We have had words in the past and she promises to change but never does. Its always a change of like 2 weeks then its back to her normal self.
I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I do sympathise. I used to say [even to her face once or twice during arguments] that my ex didn't so much have a time of the month as it was more like a time of the hour! There weren't any kids involved, so it wasn't PND, but she was on that 3-monthly contraceptive injection, which I've heard can cause mood swings, etc. No idea if that's true though.
I thought he was seeing my ex, but I think this is more likely :)
LOL, I thought the same thing & actually looked at the location bit at the side of his post to see if he was local [he's not].
idi banashapan
16-02-2007, 12:07
Thought I'd add - it isn't PND as the attitude is only with me. She's fine with friends and family. As for contraception being the cause, I think she's on the pill, but it won't make any difference, we don't do 'being sexy' with each other. like I said, it's all very hollow. You really don't want to end up in a 'relationship' like this one! trust me - I'm living it!
Thought I'd add - it isn't PND as the attitude is only with me. She's fine with friends and family. As for contraception being the cause, I think she's on the pill, but it won't make any difference, we don't do 'being sexy' with each other. like I said, it's all very hollow. You really don't want to end up in a 'relationship' like this one! trust me - I'm living it!
BFH [B**** From Hell, & no I wasn't the 1 who came up with that nickname for her] would have an attitude with anyone. She could be all "sweetness & light" ... until she didn't get her own way, even over the smallest thing. As for not ending up in a bad relationship again...
My mum mentioned that she'd heard that some self-help bloke had said that sometimes when people put on weight it can be caused by a subconscious desire/need to put a "barrier" around themselves to protect them from something. Now, it could be a load of BS, but in my case I can certainly see that there may be some logic to it. When the relationship ended I was maybe a stone overweight, but as I'm 6' 1" & have quite a wide build it didn't show so much. Since then I've managed to gain another 3 stone. Download Failed (1) During that time, I have often wondered about the possibility of trying another relationship, only to find myself with another BFH - not exactly a pleasant thought! However, recently I decided that I was fed up with being overweight & that if I do find myself in another relationship I won't be giving 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc chances. I've learned the hard way that while being single can suck at times, it's very possible for a relationship to make you feel a LOT worse.
idi banashapan
16-02-2007, 13:28
You know what - that weight thing you said is strange. She has put on a LOT of weight since we first met. She used to be a size 8 or 10, but now is a good few sizes bigger. I wonder if there is something she is putting a barrier against!?
You know what - that weight thing you said is strange. She has put on a LOT of weight since we first met. She used to be a size 8 or 10, but now is a good few sizes bigger. I wonder if there is something she is putting a barrier against!?
Maybe she is truly unhappy and the weight gain could be due to comfort eating! sometimes eating is the only thing that you feel you have control over and eat to compensate.
With the PND issue, depression of any sort can be completely totally dibilitating. sometimes it is hard to even get out of bed, and personal hygiene can go out of the window. A chat with the health visitor or the GP is worthwhile, sometimes it isnt until someone points these things out that you realise what you haven;t wanted to see all along
So sad when things aren't working out. I stayed in a hell of an unhappy relationship for over 10 years, for the sake of the kids etc. Following some real counselling, we're now happier together even than the early days when we met. Somehow you can just lose the communication somewhere and it feels like it's impossible to get it back.
If it's worth saving then work like hell to save it. If it's not, or you can't fix it then you have to move on. Bender, you can't live like this in the long term without losing your sanity. It can also be an appalling example to children of how adult relationships work. Just my humble opinion, of course. Hope you all work it out.
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